Hope Delayed

Fertilization Report

2012-02-24T10:46:00.000-05:00

Just got a call from Dr. A's office! Out of the 12 eggs retrieved, 10 were mature and 8 of them fertilized with ICSI! We're really excited as we're working with more than we had last cycle.

We have a tentative appointment set up for 9:15 on Sunday morning for transfer. The lab will check our embabies on Sunday morning and call us by 7:00 with their recommendation to transfer Sunday or wait to transfer on Tuesday (day 5). Still nervous about this part but I know that they are in good hands while they're away from us.

The nurse that called assured us that if they decided to transfer on day 3 not to think it was a bad thing. The lab will make the call on what they feel is best and if there's any question about them continuing to divide out to blastocyst stage, we'll move forward with Sunday's transfer and not wait for day 5. She said "our job is to transfer at the best time to get you pregnant, whatever day that ends up being."

Thanks for all your well wishes! Keep sending love and prayers to our embabies that they will all be strong and keep dividing as they should!

Now I guess I should get back to work... don't know how productive I'll be today with all of this on my mind!

Home from Retrieval

2012-02-23T16:38:00.000-05:00

Hi ladies! Just wanted to post a quick update on today's retrieval.

We had to be at our RE's office at 7:00 this morning, so we got up at 5:00 to be sure we weren't rushed since their office is about 45 minutes away. I think Jeff was a little worried we'd be late as he felt the need to drive pretty fast all the way there! We made it and even arrived about 15 minutes early thanks to my little speedracer hubby!

Our sweet little nurse, H, greeted us this morning and just made us feel really comfortable. I was so happy that she was there with us today, we've really had a connection with her through this process and it was nice that she was able to share today with us. She hugged us as we left this morning and wished us luck.

I can still only remember bits and pieces of the actual procedure... I remember telling them that I wanted to work there!! Not really sure what I could do since I'm not in the medical field at all, but who knows. They probably get a good laugh from some of the things us girls say while under the influence of those drugs! Dr. S did our retrieval and he was very nice and came out and talked to Jeff as soon as the procedure was done so he would know I was ok.

The good news is... they were actually able to retrieve 12 eggs!! We were so excited! They had only been counting 10 but it's probably hard to tell for sure when they're all packed in such a little space. I feel alot better about things knowing that we have almost double the eggs we did on our last cycle (7).

We were in recovery for a little while so I could sleep off some of the anesthesia and then I started feeling a little shaky so they kept us a little while longer. I think we left their office about 10:00 and then stopped to get breakfast at a little cafe near their office. After that we came home and just slept for a few hours.

We'll have our fertilization report tomorrow morning and we'll know how many embabies we have! They are doing ICSI on all 12 and I'm hopeful for a good number!

Thank you for all your well wishes and support! I love having this blog and sharing this experience with new found friends. The e-mail address that is linked to this comes straight to my phone and as you wonderful ladies comment it's like getting little text messages from friends and it just makes my day!

In Honor of ICLW

2012-02-21T20:40:00.004-05:00

I've been thinking over the last few weeks and wondering why I never used my real name on my blog and instead set it as "Still Hoping." I keep meaning to go back and change it but never had, until today!

I've also never posted any pictures of hubby and I but I think he's pretty cute so I will share him with you ladies too!

Let me introduce you to us... Jeff and Lora!

This is a vacation pic from fall 2010 in Orlando in front of Landry's Seafood.

This is a pic from last summer at a friends party.

So now you've met us! I've changed my "name" to Lora instead of "Still Hoping" but I'll keep my profile picture the same so you'll remember who I am. :)

For those of you stopping by for the first time, here's a little bit about our journey:

* We have been ttc for 4.5 years

* Got our BFP after IVF #1 on January 3rd, 2011

* Suffered a miscarriage on February 22nd, 2011

* Started IVF #2 in January

* Trigger shot tonight

* Retrieval on Thursday

* Transfer on Sunday or Tuesday (3 day vs 5 day)

Some random facts (because I love random stuff):

* I have one tattoo on my foot that I got a few weeks after our miscarriage and my best friend got one that matches. We're linked forever! (I got it touched up a few weeks ago before we get pregnant from this IVF!)

* I'm a huge Cincinnati Reds fan. My dad used to take me to games and now I take him when I can.

* Hubby is a motorhead and loves classic cars. He has a '52 Chevy in the garage while the cars we actually drive sit out in the weather.

* I started college to head into Physical Therapy but now I'm in Real Estate.

* We live in a small town where I grew up at, Jeff is from this area too.

* We go to the small church that I grew up in, my family goes there too.

* Until I was in Junior High, my hair was really long, long enough that I could sit on it. As you can see from the pictures I went the opposite direction!

* We love to go camping and boating during the summer.

* We got married when I was 20 and Jeff was 22, young, I know. We are now 28 and 30.

* We are hanging on to hope and each other as we pursue our dream of children!

Thanks for stopping by, looking forward to getting to know more of you better during this week!

Retrieval Scheduled

2012-02-20T20:33:00.000-05:00

So apparently I need a little longer stim time and after a quick check this morning, Dr. B. suggested we stim one more day (today) and trigger tomorrow. He said that seven eggs were "ready to go" but he thinks we can get ten if we bump everything by a day. Of course, ten would be better so I agreed to do whatever he thought was best. Our retrieval is set for Thursday morning and we are supposed to arrive at their office by 7 am (and we're about 45 minutes away). The good thing is that we should beat most of the traffic because we'll be so early!

Our u/s today was at their small satellite office and they were kind of slow so we were able to sit and talk with Dr. B as he went over our schedule for the next week or so. They are now recommending (like many of your clinics) a day 5 transfer which I wasn't aware of. He really took his time and answered all the questions I could come up with about the differences in the day 3 and day 5 transfer, some of which I was aware of but it was nice to hear all of this directly from my doctor.

They had to check the schedule with the main office before actually giving me a time for the retrieval, and they called me this afternoon with specific times. When I answered, I heard the voice of my favorite nurse, H, on the other end of the line! I just love her! She went over all of our retrieval instructions, times and specifics to make sure we were clear on everything. Then she surprised me by saying she had notes written on my chart that she would be the nurse handling my retrieval! I was so happy to hear that she would be with me that day, I'm really comfortable with her and especially with Dr. A being gone, it will be so nice to have her there with us on Thursday!

As for the transfer, we're on standby for Sunday morning until the embryologist checks our embabies and gives their recommendation. If they're still growing and dividing they will typically recommend waiting and doing a day 5 (blastocyst) transfer on Tuesday. If they feel that it would be better to proceed with a day 3 transfer, they'll call us to come on down on Sunday morning. Works out nicely that it's on a Sunday and we're both off. I'm excited but a little nervous about this!

That's all the updates for us right now but I wanted to share a funny story with you that Dr. B told us today. We were talking about running into patients down the road and how he remembers people and their stories. He was grocery shopping years ago when a woman ran up to him and excitedly shouted, "Dr. B!! You got me pregnant!!!" He was convinced she shouted it loud enough that half of the store heard it so he quickly greeted her and responded, "Helped! I 'helped' you get pregnant!!" I'm sure that every shopper in that aisle had whiplash as they tried to take in that whole exchange!

So just a little piece of advice if you run into your RE in public... choose your words wisely!

A few more days

2012-02-18T18:30:00.000-05:00

Had another u/s and bloodwork Friday morning. Looks like we've got about 5 on each side right now, some still a little small. So, we're stimming a few more days and then another u/s on Monday morning and probably triggering Monday night for a Wednesday retrieval. Which actually works out better so hubby and I will only have to take one day off next week since the transfer will be Saturday.

It also means that our retrieval will in fact land on a very special, yet emotional day for us. I still feel pretty much the same about this as I did when I realized a few weeks ago that this was a possibility. It's as if things have come full circle and this was meant to be.

I am a little sad because I found out that my doctor, Dr. A, is out ALL next week at a conference! So, he won't be there for my retrieval and I doubt he'll be working Saturday for the transfer. I'm kind of disappointed because I really like him and we're comfortable with him. But we've met both of the other doctors, they're both very nice and also very good so I know we're in good hands with either one of them.

I do have some questions... We switched to stims 6 days into this cycle, stimming for 11, trigger on day 17, retrieval on day 19, transfer on day 22... so I'm a little confused on how this all works since the transfer will be pretty late in my cycle. I would be due to start my period a week after transfer. With IVF #1, we transferred several days earlier in the cycle. Has anyone ever transferred late too? Or had some spotting and still been pregnant? Any info on your experiences would be great!

This afternoon I went in again for another massage and it was wonderful. Again, I have no idea that this will increase chances of conception, but it certainly was nice and relaxing which we can all certainly use! That hour went by way too fast!

Hoping that you are all enjoying this weekend. As always, thanks for taking the time to stop by and for sharing your thoughts!

Quick update

2012-02-13T17:21:00.000-05:00

Before I update, let me say thanks to all of you for your sweet and encouraging comments on my post yesterday. It helps to realize I'm not crazy (well, maybe a little), and that you guys have experienced this too. I love that we can share experiences and even learn from each other as we all try to find our footing on this bumpy road of IF.

*******************************

Had an appt this morning with Dr A (love him!) for bloodwork and u/s to check out the follicles. He said everything looked really good, he counted at least 5 follicles on one side and at least that many on the other side. He bumped up our dosage amounts by one Bra.velle every other day and I go back on Friday morning for another quick check.

He said the absolute earliest our retrieval could be is Monday. I'm thinking it may even be Tuesday or Wednesday, last cycle we stimmed an extra day or two.

My favorite little nurse even found some samples for me just in case we end up stimming for a few more days. I promised her if we didn't end up using them that I'd bring them back in so someone else could benefit from them. She asked how we were doing and how the shots were going. It's amazing the difference one person can make when they take the time for people.

Over the weekend I had the idea to take them some V-Day sweets so I picked up a tray of brownies from a local bakery and took them down there with me today along with a little card from hubby and I. I'm sure their jobs can be very fulfilling but very stressful too so I wanted to take a minute to thank them for all they've done for us. I figure as much as I want/ expect people to be there for me, the least I can do is try to be that to others! Maybe that's another thing IF has taught me, just to be a little more thoughtful.

We'll see how things go on Friday and then we'll have our retrieval and transfer schedule... I'm getting excited!!!

Just When You Think You're OK

2012-02-12T16:27:00.000-05:00

Don't get me wrong, I really don't feel too bad today. Still excited about where we are in our journey and excited about this IVF, but sometimes things just catch you off guard.

A girl at church recently had a baby and hadn't been back yet so alot of people hadn't seen her in weeks and had never seen the baby. My mom was kind enough to text me this morning to give me a heads-up she heard they were coming this morning. I thanked her for telling me and we decided to not arrive super early so we wouldn't get caught in all the oohing and aahing over said baby. It's not like I didn't know it was coming, but it's still hard.

I guess I should give you the back story on this too, this girl was once my very best friend.

We've known each other since we were about 7 and grown up together. We had our times growing up when we weren't close but we've always been a part of each others lives. We went to high school together, played basketball and volleyball together, graduated together and were both in each others weddings.

Our lives have taken slightly different paths, she got married two weeks after we graduated while I had just started dating someone (who is now my husband). By the time I got married she already had one little boy. We decided to wait before having kids and by then she had baby #2. We were never really sharing the same life experiences after H.S. but we go to the same church and stayed close.

She is not aware of the details of our struggle with IF but obviously knows of our desire to have children. We had been ttc for nearly a year when she announced she was pregnant with baby #3 (summer '08). I remember being so excited at the time (and so naive) and thinking how much fun it would be for us to be pregnant together. But as we all know, that never happened.

When my little sister announced in March of '10 that she was pregnant she did what a good friend should do - asked me out to dinner to see how I was doing. We talked and cried for several hours as I poured out my heart as to how I felt. How hurtful it was that we had been trying for over 2.5 years and now my little sister was pregnant before me. I remember even telling her that night how sometimes I wished I could pick up her adorable little baby and just pretend that he was mine. Trying to convey to her the hurt that it caused every time someone else so easily got pregnant.

The interesting thing about this dinner was the fact that our relationship was never the same again. Maybe I was too honest with her. I looked at it like she could never figure out how to be friends with my sister and me at the same time. She had her three kids and now my sister was pregnant, of course she'd want to be happy for the little pregnant girl! We talked less and less, we got together less and less.

When we got pregnant after IVF #1 (January '11) I made an attempt to include her. Before we made a big announcement to everyone else, I called her and personally told her the news myself. Of course she was ecstatic and for a few weeks we were "close" again.

Those precious weeks were shortlived as we miscarried shortly after that. The thing that bothered me the most was that 99% of those people who jumped on our happy pregnant bandwagon were no where to be found. Including her. Don't get me wrong, she dropped off a card a few days later but it happened to be when I wasn't home. My mom had talked me into getting out of the house for a few hours so I wasn't there. I called her when I got home and got her voicemail and then I text her as well to say thank you. And that was the end of our conversation.

I had the sneaking suspicion that they were "trying" again too but I didn't think too much of it, I had enough of my own stuff to worry about. I should've paid more attention to that suspicion... One day in June while I was at work, I got an email from her. I can't recall all of it right now but she wanted me to hear it from her that they were pregnant again. Maybe I shouldn't have been surprised but what really bothered me was the fact that a girl who was once my best friend emailed me this news. At work, in the middle of the day and now I have to go on with the rest of my day like nothing's wrong. Not just that, but we live on the same street, exactly six houses apart - I'm a realtor and sold her the house. Why couldn't she have walked down the street and come to my house to tell me face to face, friend to friend?

The ensuing email responses pretty much told her how I felt about that and also alot of other stuff that had happened over the last several years. I was probably a little more blunt than what I should've been in those emails but it's how I felt.

Anyways, that baby arrived on January 25 and I saw him for the first time today. Of course he is beautiful and perfect. It wasn't easy, but I made myself go over and see him after service was over. I had to get it over with and I knew people would be watching to see if we did.

It's just really hard to see a baby that little and put a face with what we're missing. It's hard to see that "friend" who now has two little boys that have both been born since we've been ttc and yet our arms are still empty. It was hard to hear everyone's comments about this little boy, their 4th, while we're still waiting to experience it once.

But I guess there's nothing easy about IF, we all know that. Today was just one of those days it got to me a little more. But today is also a day that makes me happy that I started this blog. That I can share these feelings and emotions with wonderful women who truly understand them. That I can take the time to work through them, write them down and be lucky enough to have the support of other women who have been in similar situations.

So to all of you out there, thank you. For taking the time to be there for someone you've never met and joining hands as we all trek through these uncharted waters together.

And Here Come the Stims

2012-02-10T22:45:00.000-05:00

My appointment with Dr A Wednesday morning went well, just a quick u/s to make sure the Lup.ron was effective and that the ovaries were "quiet". He said everything looked really good and had us switch from Lup.ron to stims on Thursday.

He was so sweet when he came in, asked how I was feeling and said it was good to see me again. He's always so comforting to talk to. He said how sorry he was about last time, that it was heart-breaking, and he wanted to be sure it worked this time. As awful as the miscarriage was, I was glad that he didn't ignore the elephant in the room. It's a part of us and a part of our story.

Last cycle we were just on Bra.velle, this time we're on a combination of that and Men.opur. Higher dosages as well. My hat's off to any of you ladies out there who can give these shots to yourselves. Wow! I can barely sit still while hubby does it, I forgot how bad those suckers burn! I am excited that our RE switched things up a little this cycle, hoping to get more eggs and more mature eggs.

I've got an appoinment Monday morning for another u/s and bloodwork to see how the follicles are growing. My RE has a satellite office that's only about 20 minutes from me but he won't be at that location on Monday, he'll be downtown (about 45 minutes). They probably think I'm crazy because I asked to go downtown Monday just since he's there. But I figure with everything we're doing to make this work, I'm going to see him if I can! Even if it's just to make me more comfortable.

Hubby seems a little stressed this week, they've been swamped at work and he has to work again tomorrow. He'll have about 60 hours in this week. Sure the o/t is nice on the paycheck but it's running him down. As if we don't have enough going on already! Yesterday he was a little short when we were getting our shot ready and I got kind of upset. I know alot of that is just the hormones but it bothered me. He noticed and apologized and said that he was just really sorry that we had to go through all this again and that I had to endure all these shots. Sometimes I still get little glimpses of how MFI is affecting him, I just wish I could make it better. I want to be able to give that to him.

We're hoping and praying that this cycle is the answer. That this is the beginning of realizing our dreams. It just has to be.

Finding a Laugh

2012-02-06T20:53:00.001-05:00

As I've mentioned before, hubby has been so great to do all of my injections. He's usually doing something silly and trying to make me laugh while we're preparing for it. Which of course makes it hard to sit still for an injection when your laughing!

The other night I sat down on the edge of the bed to get a good pinch of skin ready while he prepared the shot. I must've been in an awkward position because the more we tried to do the shot the more we laughed. Until hubby busted out with, "why don't I just lay down, I do my best work laying down"! I was laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes! The more I tried to control it the more we laughed! I tried to get him to do the injection quickly in between laughs until I blurted out "Babe! Just stick it in there"!

We were both laughing hysterically at this point, the conversation just kept getting "dirtier" and more sexual the longer it went on!

It was nice to share a good belly-laugh with each other and have fun during all this IF stuff wherever we can. I had to share it with someone and I knew you girls would find the humor in it when no one else could.

Hope it brings a smile to your faces too!

Sorting Out My Thoughts

2012-02-04T13:44:00.001-05:00

After one week on Lup.ron, AF showed up yesterday. I don't know if this is the same for everyone but our instructions were 10 units of Lup.ron for two weeks or until AF showed up, whichever happens first. I called yesterday to report the start of my cycle and thought I would have to go in today or Monday for bloodwork and an ultrasound. The nurse said I could come in any day between Monday and Wednesday as they wouldn't be switching me to stims until Thursday anyway. I thought that was interesting, I think we switched to stims a little earlier with IVF #1.

I'll be sure to ask what the difference is when I go in on Wednesday. I know he said they were trying a little different protocol this time around, maybe this is part of it along with a little change in the stims from last time. IVF #1 we only had seven eggs retrieved, six fertilized but we got pregnant. I'm hoping for more eggs this time. Well, let's be honest... we're just hoping for a bring-home baby this time.

Which brings me to my next thought in this process; I knew that this IVF would overlap the time we were pregnant last year. Which also meant it would be close to the date of our miscarriage. The way I had it figured up, February 22 would fall sometime during our 2ww. But since we're not starting stims until February 9, we may be doing a retrieval or transfer right around February 22. That brings up some mixed emotions for me... sadness for what we lost, excitement for what we have to gain, etc.

Could the worst day of our lives suddenly become one of the best too? I'm not upset about this possibility, just a little confused. Through this whole process I feel like our baby is watching over us; maybe even helping us along this road. Maybe that sounds crazy, but it's the way I feel. That baby will forever be a part of our lives and our story.

Even though part of me is confused about all of this, there's a part of me that finds it interesting, like it was meant to be. I wouldn't necessarily "planned" it this way, I would've liked to done this a little sooner but it just didn't work out that way. I obviously realized and understood that February 22 was going to creep up on us during this cyle, the last of the anniversaries to make it through. I just didn't realize how close this all "could" be.

We've done what we can to honor our baby and to remember "her" (we didn't know what we were having, I just always think it was a girl). On September 8, what should've been our due date, we both took the day off work just to spend it together. We went to our local greenhouse and bought a dwarf weeping cherry tree and planted it in the middle of our flowerbeds at the front of our house. I think of her every day when I see it. We joined a support group in our community which became a HUGE part of our healing process. This group meets monthly and it really just an open forum for everyone to share their story and their child. Through that group we met some amazing families, some of which we've become friends with. In October, we attended this group's "Walk to Remember" which honored the lives among us that were gone too soon. In December, we joined in on the "Memory Tree Lighting" to honor our baby and the countless others represented by the hundreds of people who were there.

I guess what I'm trying to say (or convince myself of), is that we've made as much peace as we can with where we are. I wish I was holding a 5 month old in my arms today instead of writing this post, but I'm not. I wish I was changing a diaper instead of injecting shots every day, but I'm not. Maybe there's a point we all reach (somehow) where we decide that we've done all we can to honor those lives that we lost too soon and realize that we're moving forward. We're not forgetting and moving on, we're remembering and moving forward.

Looking at this now, I'm glad we didn't rush forward with another IVF before that baby's due date. Maybe that's right for some people but I don't think it was the right timing for us. Miss Conception mentioned this in her post on Thursday and as I was commenting on her post, I started thinking about our situation.

So this is where we are. If our retrieval or transfer lands on that day, I think I'll be ok with it. Sure it will hold mixed emotions, but I'll have to think that our baby is looking down on us knowing how much she is loved and also putting in a good word for us with her future sibling(s). Our angel will be with us through the whole thing.

Catching Up

2012-02-02T20:39:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'm out of the loop this past week with my blog! I've been trying to read and keep up on everyone's blogs and keep in touch with all of you. The typically cold and snowy winters here in Ohio have been replaced this week with beautiful sunshine and temps hitting the 60's a couple of days this week!! It's been more enticing to be outside! We've been loving it and even fired the grill up a few days ago and enjoyed our little taste of spring.

We are a week into our Lupr.on shots and I'm still feeling good. Today is the first day that I feel a little different/ moody but not too bad (hopefully hubby would agree with that)! The shots have been going well, J has been so great to give them to me every evening. I like to think I could be brave and do it myself, but I'm not so sure! A few days ago, the shot felt a little different and he said it seemed different to him. Within a few minutes it was really red and about 20 minutes later was starting to bruise. By later that night, I had a quarter-sized purple bruise on the right side of my stomach. My bff says its my battle wound! Anybody else had this happen? From what I've read it sounds like we may have hit a blood vessel but nothing to worry about.

At this point we're just waiting on AF to arrive - maybe the one time in our lives that we're looking forward to her showing up! Then it's on to the RE for an ultrasound and bloodwork to make sure we're suppressed and then the switch to Bra.velle and Men.opur.

Oh, I also promised an update on the pre-conception massage... let's just say it was wonderful! I originally scheduled appointments for J and I both but I couldn't talk him into going. So, I called my sister and she went along with me. I didn't really know what to expect but it was way more than an abdominal massage. Basically she did a full body massage and spent about 10 minutes on my stomach. I don't know how they can "prove" that it's specifically beneficial to women who are TTC but it was so wonderful and relaxing that it was worth it.

It was also nice to spend some time just me and my sister catching up. We enjoyed a nice dinner after the massage and really just had a good time together. She is 20 weeks pregnant but is sincerely making an effort to be there for us and keep our feelings in the forefront during her pregnancy. They found out on Monday that they're having another little boy. Is it bad that I was excited since that means maybe we could still have the first girl on my side? :)

So that's where we're at... full speed ahead and hanging on for dear life!

Socks from Finland

2012-01-26T16:56:00.000-05:00

Several weeks ago, Cristy at Searching For Our Silver Lining organized a sock exchange and I signed up! I was paired up with a blogger I wasn't familiar with but was excited to get in touch with someone new. In turn I've started following JustHeather over at BattleFish and I'm so glad that we've "met".

After we exchanged info, I found out she lived in Finland! So neat! I live in plain 'ole Ohio! :)

I just received the socks that she sent and I love them! They're even made in Finland!

She also sent me the cutest little angel charm that she made. I'm trying to find a place to put it so that every time I see it I think of her and all of you ladies that I've gotten to know over the last few months. Maybe in my car, then I'll have you guys with me everywhere I go and especially on my drive to the RE's office!

I'm really glad that I've gotten to know such wonderful people even through our shared difficulties. Somedays we're able to make it through because we know we have someone to share it and walk through it with us.

Thanks again JustHeather, I love them!!

Pre-conception Massage

2012-01-23T19:34:00.001-05:00

My sister called me the other day and was so excited about this spa she found that offered pre-conception massages that are aimed specifically at IVF patients. I was skeptical of course but I got on their website and did some research. When I called, they were very knowledgeable about the whole IVF process and the best times to come in. According to their research, these specific massages can increase your chances of conception by 65%. Now, I haven't actually seen this research yet, but if it can help us with this process - sign me up!!

I'm thinking it's similar to accupuncture during IVF from what I'm reading... "Massage therapy can help facilitate the conception process physically by breaking up adhesions and increasing pelvic blood supply, and emotionally by reducing stress and cortisol levels..whether you are trying naturally or in conjunction with appropriate medical treatment. In fact, research shows the pregnancy rate for women treated with massage techniques prior to their next IVF transfer to be 63% higher than the national average success rate for IVF."

The girls I've talked to at the spa said they recommend 2-3 treatments during your cycle. Once prior to retrieval, once between retrieval and transfer and then just a relaxation massage during the 2ww. So, I've got an appointment this Sunday for my first massage! I'm not sure what to expect but I'm looking forward to it.

Have any of you girls tried something like this?

I listened to my first Circ.le and Blo.om session today, massages scheduled and first Lup.ron shot on Friday. I think we're full speed ahead!

So, about that letter...

2012-01-15T15:53:00.000-05:00

Remember the letter to my family and friends that I've been so obsessed with sending out? Well, I got it to a point that I was happy with and finally showed the "finished product" to hubby before hitting send. He knew about the letter but hadn't read it until one night this week. I knew he wasn't real keen on the idea of sending this letter, but I thought once he read it he might change his mind.

Umm, no.

He wasn't sold on it. Honestly, I think it made things a little worse and brought up some suppressed emotions for him.

I've never really shared alot on here about details of our situation becuase for me, it didn't matter. We're all here together working towards a common goal. Details are different for everyone but the finish line is the same. We're doing IVF w/ ICSI and to our knowledge, a low sperm count is our only "issue." Low enough though that we skipped IUI's all together and jumped directly to the big gun. The events of the last few years have been really hard on him and there are times that I see it even more plainly.

Reading that letter was one of those times. He's afraid that sending that letter will only create more questions and more talk. His family was one of the specific groups he mentioned regarding people "talking." He didn't know why I felt like we needed to share all of this with alot of people who hadn't even made an effort to be there for us over the last several years. One thing he said was that "all of this is my fault." More emotions kept showing the more he talked.

I didn't even try to convince him otherwise or explain my motives. They were pure and I honestly think most people assume it's a "female" issue and then he wouldn't have to worry about these types of questions. But the more he talked the worse I felt. I felt guilty and sad for making him feel this way.

I know how IF has affected me but it certainly changes our husbands too. Needless to say, that letter won't be leaving my draft folder anytime soon. My main concern and loyalty has to be to my husband. I still feel like it would be a good thing but if he's not convinced yet, I can't rush it. We have to be on the same page as much as possible, we're the two walking down this road - not anyone else.

So for now this blog will continue to be my outlet. Only time will tell how much we share with other people, maybe we will at some point down the road. I'll just focus on our upcoming IVF and take care of my hubby as much as I can. I just wish that I could take some of his pain away. This is not his "fault", it's simply the hand we've been dealt. We'll keep working through it the only way we know how - together.

All I Ever Wanted

2012-01-14T16:51:00.000-05:00

So my sis and her hubby had to go away for the weekend to a formal wedding about two hours away. She was worried about her little boy (14 months) being good and being able to sit still during all the festivities. The rehearsal dinner is tonight and the wedding tomorrow afternoon. She is a hairdresser so she'll be doing hair and makeup for the girls all morning tomorrow. That's alot to expect a 1 year old to sit through so she asked if we could babysit this weekend... of course we said yes!

He's been at our house since about noon today and is always so much fun. It's fun to pretend that he's ours and to imagine what our lives will be like once our babies finally arrive. Sure, there are plenty of other times that it bothers me that we still don't have kids and my younger sister does... but I try to push that part aside as much as I can.

He just woke up from a nap but was still a little sleepy... hubby picked him up and laid down on the couch with him and now they're both asleep. This is all I ever wanted...

You think we could run away before they get back from the wedding and just pretend this little guy is ours? :) It melts my heart to see hubby curled up with him.

One of these days it will happen. That's what keeps us going.

This and That

2012-01-11T17:27:00.000-05:00

First off, thank you to all of you ladies who commented on my letter to family and friends. Your thoughts and feedback really helps as I'm putting the finishing touches on this letter.

I guess I should've clarified that our immediate family knows of our struggles, infertility and IVF(s). Both sets of parents, my brother (wife), sister (husband) and a few close friends know what we're going through. But that's about it. I wrote the letter with our extended family and friends in mind; aunts, uncles, cousins, other friends, etc. There are probably about 50 people on the e-mail so far. I may add some more personal/ emotion to it but this is going to so many different people I have to be careful.

I'm really not sure what I expect from sending this letter. There will be a few who read it and do nothing. Others will talk about it amongst themselves, and I'll probably hear from some of the remainder. But maybe this letter isn't at all about their response. Maybe it's simply about us - taking the next step, pulling the curtain back and saying here's what we're facing. Putting a face to this disease and creating awareness.

In the last several years, I've struggled with being angry at people who seemed to ignore everything we're going through. Maybe some of the blame lies with me for being so private and not sharing more of our story. Either way, it's made me more sensitive to things that people around me are going through. I remember being conflicted after getting pregnant last year (IVF #1) and thinking "all these people are here now and genuinely happy for us. But where were they when we needed them most?" That same crowd quickly dissipated after our miscarriage, mom says it's because people don't know what to do... my response is "try something!"

My sister knows my feelings about all of this and sent me this quote the other day:

"If you're absent during my struggle, don't expect to be present during my success."

I can't say it any better than that. There are alot of you out there who have/ are experiencing the same thing. I think that may be some of push behind this letter, I want and need people behind me during all of this. If there are people out there who can read that letter and still be absent from this part of my life, I know where that relationship is going. This is me, opening the door and saying "Come on in!" and I'm sure some will. But if others choose to continue standing on the porch, all I have to do is shut the door. How they respond is out of my control.

**************************************

On another note, we are officially in IVF #2! We went in for bloodwork Saturday and also got all of our meds ordered. I've been so excited about starting again but on the way to Dr. A's office I got really emotional. The last time I walked in his office was the worst day of my life. We hadn't been there since the miscarriage. We had a consultation with him the week after but at a small satellite office.

When we sat down with a nurse to order our meds and go over the treatment plan I started feeling better. We're IVF with ICSI again but with a little addition to the stims. She was an angel and explained everything so well, but then sat and answered our questions and talked with us like friends. She didn't ignore our loss and that we were so close last time and that they would work even harder to make it happen this time. Things like that make me remember we're at the right place.

For our last cycle, all of the meds were ordered from Wal greens Specialty Pharm. Since then, they've found a new pharmacy in Europe (London) and the stims are considerably cheaper! For any of you with IVF coming up, ask your doctor about IVFmeds(dot)com. I know for us it's a savings of almost $1,000 between the Menopur and Bravelle! That's always a nice surprise!

We don't start any injections until the 27th so we're in the waiting stage (again!).

A letter to family and friends

2012-01-06T08:49:00.000-05:00

Below is a letter that I've written to send out to family and some friends to share our struggle. DH ("J") has not read this letter yet, but he seems hesitant about sending it out. I thought I would post it on here to get some feedback from some friends. After 4.5 years, I'm tired of struggling in silence and dealing with this, for the most part, alone. For me, it's time to speak up and do something. I know that there are so many other couples out there struggling through this awful battle and maybe our story can help them. I may tweak it a little still but let me know what you think.

**************************************************************************************

To our family and friends – It’s no secret that J and I have wanted to start a family for some time now. We’ve never really shared a lot about it because it is such a private thing. However, maybe by saying something it will prevent this disease from being in the shadows forever. Chances are that with infertility affecting 1 in 6 American couples, you know more people than just us who have been touched by it. Maybe our story will educate one person so they realize they are not alone. Maybe it will educate another person so they can reach out to someone they know and not be afraid to help them on their journey. Maybe awareness and making a difference starts with us…

We became pregnant with our first child after a successful in vitro (IVF) procedure. While we never got to hold that child, we believe that we will be able to one day. And while that gives us hope, our hearts are still broken by that loss and the fact that our arms are still empty here. Most of you probably have no reason to know a whole lot about the IVF process except the crazy news stories that surface every once in a while. Those extreme stories are also very far from what most couples truly face. But before you make a judgment call and say “I would never…” take a good like at your own children or grandchildren. Now, try to imagine your life without them. And even if you didn’t have to, aren’t they worth moving heaven and earth for if it was in your power to do so? Sadly, for 1 in 6 American couples, it takes those measures to bring our children into this world. We haven’t rushed into these decisions or taken them lightly, and we’ve shed a lot of tears and said a lot of prayers.

We will be pursuing another IVF procedure at some point this year. If you have sincere questions, we’d be happy to answer what we can. If you do not agree with our choices, that is fine as well; but keep in mind we’re not asking for anyone’s approval. We do not plan to share the exact timeline of it as we would like to maintain a little privacy. But we do ask for your love, your support and your prayers during this challenging time in our lives. Take a minute if you would to check out this link www.tearsandhope.com. We hope that it will help you better understand our struggle and our dreams.

A Year Ago Today

2012-01-02T21:16:00.000-05:00

What a difference a year makes...

A year ago today, after an IVF procedure that seemed to be picture perfect, we heard the most wonderful words we'd ever been told... "You're pregnant!"

We never imagined that one year later we would be embarking on our second IVF journey. I'm due to start my period on Wednesday and that will trigger the start of our cycle. I'm excited about starting again and the hope that it brings but I have mixed emotions especially because of the timing. I know they're just dates but you girls know that dates are linked closely to our emotions. This whole IVF cycle will cover the same dates that we were pregnant last year.

I'm sure that there will be days where this will be overwhelming but we feel that we're making the right decision. We can't change what has happened but at the same time, that baby will forever be a part of our lives. Miss Conception put it best when she said she hoped to meet her twins (Michael & Alena) sibling soon. That has stuck with me and helped me as we're moving forward. Our baby's sibling is out there and we're hoping to hold them soon.

I know there are alot of you ladies out there who will be cycling with us and I wish you all the best of luck. If I have one piece of advice after going through this once it would be to enjoy every single minute of it that you can. It's an emotional journey but it is wonderful and beautiful. I'm excited to have the opportunity to be doing it again and what the future might hold.

So thankful to have all of you by my side, and as close as my computer, this time around. In the few short months that I've been blogging, I can't put into words how special and helpful it is for me. I never imagined that I would feel so close to people that I've never met and that live states or even countries away from me.

Looking forward to your continued support and friendship and hoping that I can be there for alot of you as well. Here's to great things to come in 2012!!

And So This Is Christmas...

2011-12-24T16:44:00.000-05:00

She's here... no matter how much we've dreaded the Holidays this year or tried to make ourselves get into the spirit. The big day is upon us.

We'll be leaving shortly to head to DH's grandma's house where his whole family will gather. We are the only ones who don't have kids yet so it's a tough group with alot of small kids running around. We'll put on our smiles and happy faces and make it through another Holiday season.

One of DH's cousins bought his grandma a digital picture frame for Christmas. Now this is an 82 year old lady who is certainly not into any sort of technology. But, cousin emailed the whole family several weeks ago and has loaded it full of pictures so it will be all set up for her (great idea)! When she emailed me and asked for pics of DH and I, I automatically went to the vacation files on my computer! "We may not have kids but we'll show everyone how much fun we have and where we've been!" Isn't that awful?! :) Oh well! I sent vacation pics from different locations, us at sporting events, etc. Let them be jealous of us for once!!

But, I am thankful that today has turned out to be pretty quiet and peaceful. We slept in, made pancakes for breakfast, ran to the store and then mixed up some homemade salsa to take to our gathering tonight, had lunch together... and had alot more fun than I thought today would be.

It is certainly not the Christmas that we had imagined it would be but we're making it. Praying that all of you find some peace and comfort in this season and bring on the New Year!

Hard to do...

2011-12-21T12:56:00.000-05:00

I know I've shared before that my little sister is pregnant with baby #2 and as hard as that is, it brought up another dilemma recently.

You see, we started our first IVF cycle in November of last year and that's the same month my nephew was born. My sister has always been very supportive of us and our decision and was excited for us. When we got our BFP on January 3 she was ecstatic right along with us! She quickly offered to let me borrow her maternity clothes, pregnancy books, body pillow, etc. I remember having a little twinge of something (maybe jealousy) because I should've experienced all this before her. But still, it was so fun to finally be having these types of conversations and sharing this with her.

Within the next few days I had everything laid out on the bed in the spare bedroom, the soon to be nursery, and was so excited at the thought of what was ahead. The cute little t-shirts and dresses... I was going to be so proud wearing all this stuff. I did get some use out of the "belly band" because some of my jeans got a little snug. I immediately started reading several of the books she gave me and tracked our baby's progress daily.

Sadly, I never got to wear those maternity clothes. On February 22, just two days shy of 12 weeks, our world changed forever. Unable to even go in that room for quite some time, those clothes continued to lay there... for quite a while. My sweet hubby cleaned up some stuff that had piled up in there, but I couldn't bring myself to even look at those clothes. They stared at me like a ghost of what should have been. They haunted me.

I really don't remember how long they sat there before one day while I was home by myself, I went in that room and in between sobs, I just threw everything into plastic bags and shoved it all into the top of the closet. "I'll need it again one day." That was no comfort at all then but as the months passed, I could begin to see myself in those clothes one day.

That was, until October 9. The day that little sis told me she was pregnant. Again. I cried, just like the first time she got pregnant. I had no idea they were even trying for #2 and now she's pregnant?! She cried too and apologized because it all just happened so quick...! Really? I'm sorry that good things like pregancy happen so quick... we've been on this road 4.5 years... nothing quick about that! I know she just didn't really know what to say... no one does. And there's nothing in me that would wish any of this on anyone, let alone my sister.

Within the same day that she told me, my mind drifted back to those clothes hiding in the shadows of my closet and it hit me, "She's going to need those clothes back before I ever get to wear them." And it was like someone kicked me in the stomach all over again. I never thought about that happening. Or maybe I just never let myself go there...

I mentioned it to my mom one time thinking maybe she'd offer to come get them but she never mentioned it again. I haven't had a conversation with my sister about them, I couldn't. So those clothes have continued to haunt me from their perch in the closet. But I knew I couldn't wait for her to ask for them back, I couldn't handle that discussion.

Every time I thought I could muster a little courage and deal with it, I would wimp out. Until yesterday on my way home from work it hit me... "I'm taking those clothes over to mom's and then sis can pick them up from there." I came home, grabbed them all in one big armload and threw them in the trunk. I didn't even stop to really think about what I was doing or I would've wimped out again.

I visited my mom for a while and then told her that I brought all those clothes over and sis could just pick them up from her house. "I won't be needing them," I said. To which she replied, "Yet." What I really wanted to say is that I never imagined she'd need them back before I ever got to use them, but I didn't. Why couldn't I just say that? I probably would've started crying but who cares? I have a bad habit of censoring what I'm really feeling, even if it's when talking to someone close to me.

My mom keeps telling me that I need to try and focus on myself and not on what's going on with other people. While I understand there's some truth in that, it's hard to completely ignore everything around you... I'm excited for what's ahead for DH and I, but there is grief and extreme sadness to deal with on a daily basis too. Of course it bothers me that sis is pregnant again but more than jealousy, it's bitter sadness for us and our empty arms. I don't want her babies, I want mine.

She made the big announcement on FB yesterday (a friend called and told me, I deleted my account over a year ago) and it just breaks my heart. How many people will contact us just to say they're thinking of us? My guess... very few, if any. Don't they understand they can be happy for her and sad for us at the same time? It's hard when our lives are so intertwined with alot of the same people. I feel like there's very few people I can share my true feelings with because they know her too.

This whole ride is just so emotionally draining. So thankful I have this outlet and new found friends that I can share with... and you guys get it.

A Discount to Pass Along

2011-12-19T10:23:00.000-05:00

Hey ladies - this is a new thing for me but I've heard so many of you talk about Circle and Bloom that I had to check it out. I'm still not sure about how all of it works but it can't hurt to try it, right? I could certainly use some relaxation and some positive thinking!

So, in my researching it I came across a discount code that I believe is good through the end of the year. Just enter HOLIDAY35 at checkout for 35% off any product! The IVF/ IUI one is normally $59.99 for download and it came down to $38.99 with the discount.

If anybody has ever done it before let me know... although I already bought it so if you didn't like it it's too late to warn me! :-) But seriously, let me know your thoughts about it if you've used it. And if you haven't... check it out... especially with 35% off!

I can't keep up my normal workout (which I love) after the first of the year when we start IVF so I also bought Strong Yoga for Fertility. Didn't find a discount on that one though. Anybody tried that one? I've never done yoga but I have friends who love it. Again, a little quiet relaxation and postivity certainly can't hurt!

Just wanted to pass this along to you girls... best wishes!!

Tears and Hope

2011-12-16T21:54:00.000-05:00

Not sure if all you ladies are following Denise over at This Blondie Wants Babies but she posted the most beautiful video I think I've ever seen. I just sat and cried as it played and I thought about everything that we've been through the last four and a half years.

Check it out when you have a minute to sit back, reflect and cry.

Empty Arms, Broken Hearts

I'm really thinking about sending a link to this video out to some family and friends who may not be aware the extent of our struggles. For the last several months I've been thinking about sending something like this but nothing really seemed to fit. I think this video says it all.

Up to this point and prior to IVF #1, we were very private about our story and doing IVF. There are alot of people who knew we were "trying" but only a handful who know the extent and about IVF. We thought that it was really no one's business what we did and so they didn't need to know. We've been through so much and at this point we don't really care who knows. I'm not sure what we expect to happen if we share our story but maybe it will at least be at start towards creating more awareness in our little corner of the world.

What do you guys think? To what extent have you shared your stories with those around you?

Doing Our Part

2011-12-16T08:59:00.000-05:00

Hey Ladies - not sure how many of you have checked out Resolve's website but it is a wonderful place to find information on infertility, treatment, coping, etc. They also do some political action type stuff and largely due to their efforts, a bill has been introduced to the House and the Senate known as the Family Act of 2011. Now before I lose you, I'm not getting all "political" on you! Check this out:

Key provisions of the House and Senate bill:

The Family Act covers the out-of-pocket costs associated with in vitro fertilization (IVF) including diagnostic tests, laboratory charges, professional charges, and medications for IVF.
The Family Act covers the out-of-pocket costs of fertility preservation procedures if the man or woman is diagnosed with cancer and the cancer treatment or disease itself may result in infertility.
The Family Act has a cost sharing provision allowing 50% of all applicable medical expenses to be covered up to a lifetime maximum of $13,360. You would need to have out-of-pocket costs totaling $26,720 to claim the entire credit in your lifetime.
If you do not owe taxes in a particular year, do not owe enough taxes to use the whole credit, or do not reach the max amount in one tax year, it carries over to the next year for a max of five years after the first year you use the credit.
The Family Act is available to couples filing jointly with adjusted gross incomes of less than $222,520, but the credit is smaller for those earning between $182,500 and $222,520.

Now if you're like us, this would make a serious difference in your lives! With absolutely no insurance coverage for IVF, we have paid completely out of pocket, as I'm sure alot of you have. If you click on this link Family Act of 2011 you can send a letter to your Congressmen and Senators, all through their website and it only takes about 5 minutes! Don't wait on someone else to do it! If we all do our part we can begin to change things!

It starts with us!

Dum spiro spero (While I Breathe, I Hope)

2011-12-13T08:31:00.000-05:00

While I breathe, I hope (dum spiro spero). I came across this quote the other day and it stopped me in my tracks. I thought about how much that word "hope" has been a part of my life for the last several years. I hoped we'd have kids, I hoped we'd have kids on our own, I hoped we'd have them before my husband was 30, I hoped we could do IUI, I hoped the IVF would work, I hoped we'd only have to do it once... I could fill in a lot of blanks between all those phases I've listed but that could take all day.

We all hope for things in our everyday lives, alot of times subconsciously even. We hope we won't get caught in traffic, we hope we'll have a good hair day, we hope our team wins, etc.

But that's not the hope I'm referring to. The hope that has been in my life is deep-seeded, passionate and all-consuming. More than an off the cuff remark about something we want, this hope drives us to do things we never thought possible. It's that burning desire to fulfill our dreams and achieve our goal of family. Not willing to take "no" for an answer.

But after over four years battling IF, hope and I have a love-hate relationship at times. You see, I feel that I've been betrayed by hope. All the hope in the world didn't change that fact that we have to pursue IVF to concieve. That same hope couldn't bring me a baby before my little sister. And every hope and prayer I could whisper, cry or scream, couldn't save the baby we did have.

Hope deceived me when I thought this would be our year. Abandoned me on the way to the doctor's office that cold day in February when I tried to convince myself that everything would be ok. Stabbed me in the back in the weeks and months to follow the loss of our baby as I sat and reflected on how perfect this all "should have been." And as another year's battle with IF draws to a close, I'm left wondering where hope really fits in to all this.

If I sit back in self pity and allow myself to sink into those awful depths of emotions too frequently, I might never hope again. With my heart safely locked away behind closed doors, I would keep everyone and everything at arm's length, never to be hurt that way again.

Dum spiro spero. Those words kept resonating in my mind. While I breathe, I hope. And I'm realizing that if I'm truly going to live, I have no choice but to hope. Our souls long for something more than we have. Our hearts continue to dream of the day that we hold a child of our own.

Hope seduces me back one more time and I realize that even with our tumultuous relationship, it's hope that keeps me going every day. It's hope that pushes me to get out of bed and believe that something good can happen. It inspires me to believe that this next IVF cycle could bring us the baby we've been praying for. It's hope that persuades me to trust once again that the end of this roller coaster is near.

There's a new song by Matt Hammitt, "All of Me" that I fell in love with the very first time I heard it. Actually I was on my way to work and about two lines in I was crying uncontrollably driving down the interstate. I would recommend listening to it at home first! Here is a video for the song:

What an amazing song! With an upcoming IVF cycle beginning in January, we've been scared. What if this doesn't work? What if it works but we lose this baby too? What if we spend all this money again and we're still empty handed? Like the song said, we've been afraid to love something that could break. We're so close to what we can't control and it's exciting but scary. The words of verse 2 made me think alot of the baby we lost and at the same time still pursuing our dreams and IVF again. I cherish every minute we had with that baby and "she" changed our lives and will forever be a part of us.

The child we lost is worth all of me and yet the child yet to come is worth all of me too. They are worth every tear we've cried and every thing we've been through. They're worth facing all our fears and putting ourselves out there again.

We're not entering this cycle innocently like we did last time, we know the worst. But we're choosing to "trade the fear of all that I could lose, for every moment I share with you." Every shot, every ultrasound and every blood draw will be approached with a new appreciation of life and enjoying the moment. As emotional of an experience as IVF is, it is wonderful and beautiful as well.

Through the words of this song I'm realizing that maybe it's fear that causes that love-hate relationship with hope. We're so afraid to put our hearts on the line again. We're afraid to believe that something good could happen to us because it hasn't so far. Fear stops us in our tracks and makes us timid and apprehensive. Makes us question our decisions and our future plans.

I've decided I'm tired of being bullied by fear. We know what we want and we're going for it! Will there be times that we're scared? Of course! But I refuse to let fear control my life. I choose to nurture my relationship with hope and let her lead. I trust that she knows the path better than fear does and we're following her.

As long as there is breathe in this body, there will be hope. There's a french proverb that says "Hope is the dream of a soul awake." I'm still dreaming... will you join me?

Withdrawals

2011-12-12T15:05:00.000-05:00

I'm having withdrawals! We haven't had internet service at our house all last week and won't have it until Wednesday this week. :-) We kept debating on whether to get rid of our home phone or not (I wanted to cancel it, DH thought we needed to keep it). So we compromised... we bought and installed a majicjack last week. I think it will work pretty good.

However, they take care of canceling you'r phone service so they can take over your number. So, when that happened, our internet also got cancelled too because its DSL through our phone line! So crazy! We've got it all straightened out now but our new internet won't be activated until Wednesday.

Normally I wouldn't be too worried about it being down for a few days but now that I've met so many new friends in this blogging community its driving me crazy! Thankful for smartphones and I've been able to keep up with most everyone but its not the same. :-) Hoping everyone enjoyed their weekend I'll be back up running in a few days!

Just a little sad...

2011-12-06T09:50:00.000-05:00

Back in October, my sister told me that baby #2 was on the way. We've been sad, hurt, upset and the whole gamut of other emotions that some of you have experienced too. We've been TTC since they began dating four and a half years ago - and now they are expecting #2. Somehow, we've been better with it than what I expected we'd be... I'm not sure how or why. We're close and she's been very supportive of us but it still strains our relationship.

This morning, I text her about some concert tickets for next summer to see if they wanted to go. Two of my favorite artists, Kenny Chesney and Tim McGraw, are in concert together and some of us are going! :-) Now, I figured that her due date was close to my birthday, June 17 but I had never asked. Is that terrible?? She said they would pass on the July 1st concert since it was only about 2 weeks after her due date... so I asked. She's due on the 18th. One day after my birthday.

I know it's silly but it bothered me. With her first pregnancy she found out the sex of the baby ON my birthday! Now baby #2 is due practically ON my birthday! Is this really happening? I feel like this can't all be coincidental even though it probably is. But seriously, what are the chances?

I'm just hoping that this new year brings good things for DH and I and the events in other peoples lives won't bother us so much because we'll be so distracted by the wonderful things happening in ours... it's just so hard to stay positive for ourselves with everything happening around us.

Just a little sad this morning... but we'll make it. We always do.

A Beautiful Evening

2011-12-02T11:57:00.000-05:00

Last night DH and I were part of a beautiful evening to honor the child we lost. We are part of a group known as HEAL (Helping Endure A Loss) and they held their annual tree lighting ceremony last night. First off, let me say that the lady who runs the organization is an angel. She had a son who was born sleeping over 25 years ago and has started this group to help others through the most awful time in their life. The group is open to anyone who has experienced a miscarriage, neonatal death, infant loss, etc.

Registration began at 6:30 but when we arrived, the church was packed. If I ventured a guess, I would say there were close to 500 people there! What an amazing event! If you had RSVP'd, which we did, there were Christmas ornament personalized with your babies name as well as a small gift bag for each family. Each person's story was different but for one night we came together to honor our children and tell the world that they matter and have forever changed our lives.

Each child's name was read and the parents came forward, lit a candle and then placed their ornament on a gorgeous Christmas tree. At the end of the reading, the tree was illuminated and it was absolutely splendid! I've got pictures that I promise I'll post (hopefully later today).

My family went with us to show their support, it was so nice to have them there with us. There were siblings, grandparents and friends who came out to stand arm in arm with their loved ones as they honored the children that we lost too soon.

What an amazing event that in the middle of this Holiday Season that can be so tough, we found some comfort, some peace and some "validation" in these losses that so few people can understand.

The courage of one woman to start an organiztion such as this one to help others through their grief is absolutely amazing. Not all of us will do something of that magnitude, but it goes to show that if we're willing to do something we never know the difference we can make in someone's life.

I wish you could have all been there with us last night and I pray that you find something that brings you some comfort this Holiday Season!

I just can't do it today...

2011-11-26T12:56:00.000-05:00

I'm supposed to be on my way to the last of five Thanksgiving dinners that DH and I were to attend. Supposed to be... I thought I could do it. I even made my cheesecake last night and was going to put the hash brown casserole in the oven this morning.

I got up like any other Saturday morning and went to the gym at 9:30, had a great time and was in a pretty good mood. When I got to the car and checked my phone, I had a text from my mom, "Hey, just a heads-up, your cousin "R" may be coming with her new little boy. Just didn't want it to catch you off guard. Love you." I guess that's what turned my day. Now let me explain, I couldn't tell you the last time I saw R and had no idea she was pregnant. I believe this is her third. I wasn't too excited about going anyway, but that kind of sealed it for me.

We've held it together pretty good this week through the other four dinners but I knew this one would be rough. My mom is one of six kids and all of them have several kids each. Which translates into alot of cousins with a lot of little kids. If I've counted right there will be at least a dozen kids about 6 and under there today. At least half of whom have been born since we've been ttc. (There are more than that in the family, but they won't be there today). Two cousins and my sister have one year olds and my sister is pregnant again. I don't think alot of the family knows that so I'm sure they'll find out today.

I text my mom back and just said "Thanks Mom, but I don't think we're coming. I just can't do it today." I was a little worried she'd be upset but she was supportive and just said, "Ok honey, do you want me to let you know if she's not there?" I just said no, that we weren't really up to it either way.

I can't take the pictures with grandpa showing four generations. I can't take the discussions about who's kid is walking and who said their first words. I can't take the pregnancy announcement again. I can't take all the adorable little kids running around having fun and getting in trouble.

The question comes up, "What's new with you guys?" What are we going to have to share... The child that should be at this dinner with us? Our next IVF cycle? How we've been saving money for ~~months~~ years in order to have another chance at what you so easily achieved?

My grandpa is in from out of town and I haven't seen him in months - I feel guilty. Why is this so hard? I know we did the right thing for us and I'm glad we didn't put ourselves in that position, but it makes me crazy.

I'm trying to think of something for DH and I to do... maybe we'll catch a college basketball game tonight. I wan't to do something fun and get out of the house. I feel worse when I just sit here... I need a little distraction sometimes...

Does this ever get any easier?

My First Award!!

2011-11-25T13:46:00.018-05:00

Given to me by Cristy at Searching For Our Silver Lining! Thank you!!

Liebster is a German word meaning dearest, and the award is given to up-and-coming bloggers

with less than 200 followers.

Here are the rules:

1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.

2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.

3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.

4. Hope that the people you’ve sent the award to forward it to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going!

The 5 Blogs below are the ones that I want to pass this award onto:

BW at Mummy, are we there yet?
Ally at Praying for a Pregnancy
Lady Bug at My Journey to Conception
Emily at A Blanket to Keep
Megan at Infertile Myrtle (I know you have alot of followers but I like your blog!) :-)

Much love ladies and thanks again Cristy!

My First ICLW

2011-11-23T08:34:00.001-05:00

So I'm still pretty new to the whole blogging world and this is my first ICLW... I love it!

It's so nice to be able to connect with other women in this community, share our stories and in turn, hopefully bring a little encouragement to each others lives. I've been so busy trying to comment and find new blogs to follow that I hadn't taken the time to post myself!

When I finally decided to start a blog, my original intention was to send a link to some friends and family members and use it as a tool to tell them about what we had been through. Very few know the details of our situation, and even fewer know that we did IVF. The more I thought about it, I didn't send that link out because I knew I would forever have to be careful and censor what I wrote on here.

After my first couple of posts, I quickly realized that this would be an avenue for me to express my true feelings. As I started getting my first comments I understood how powerful this could become. For me, blogging was not about telling family and friends our story, that can come later. This is about community. It's those of us who are part of a club we never would've asked to join, but trying to make the best of it anyway. We don't even like the criteria for membership, but the shoe fits. Sharing our feelings, the good days and the bad, and reaching out to those around us to lend a helping hand through a difficult time in their lives.

I've realized through my own journey that no matter where you are in life, there is always someone out there who can use your help. Be ready. Listen. Support. Care. Reach out. Be the person for someone else that you need someone to be for you... it will come back around.

Thanks to all of you who have visited my blog and those who have commented. It's already making a difference in my life after only a few short weeks.

Holidays Start Today

2011-11-19T08:00:00.001-05:00

Well today marks the unofficial start to the Holiday Season in our family. DH's family is big and everyone gathers at Grandma's on Thanksgiving Day. So big that we may barely see or speak to his parents and sister since there are so many people there. In turn, his mom decided to have Thanksgiving Dinner the Saturday before Thanksgiving so that we can all spend time together.

Don't get me wrong, I love his family and we all get along great. And this will actually be one of the easiest dinners we attend (his sister started having kids before we got married). But it's still the beginning of a season that I'm not quite ready for.

I just can't help remembering that this time last year we were just beginning our first IVF cycle and were due to start our shots Thanksgiving week. Even with the huge unknown that it represented, it brought with it a level of excitement we had long been missing. We dreamed about how it would be the last Holidays with just the two of us and how different things would be this year. Thanksgiving dinners were hard last year, but they were just a little easier with the special little secret that we shared (gotta get home to get the shot done on time). What an exciting time it was!

Things are different this year, but certainly not in a way that we expected. More family members are pregnant (again), and we'll be joining the Thanksgiving Feast with just two (again). We'll put our strong faces on this year too and try to make the most of it.

Who knows what emotions tomorrow will bring but I guess we'll just wait and see... Waiting is something we're all accustomed to by now! Stirrup Queens had a great post the other day about getting through the holidays . Check it out if you have a chance. I know I picked up some great tips from her list.

Best of luck to you all as the holiday season rolls upon us!

Dear Similac

2011-11-16T16:59:00.001-05:00

Maybe some of you can relate to this as well...

Dear Similac,
I was having a perfectly "fine" day until I came home and checked my mail. As I opened the mailbox, the contents nearly fell into the road because there was little room for them after the box of formula samples you sent me. Now I've gotta tell you, this is not the first disturbing delivery I've received from you, I receive your coupons on a regular basis. I'm not even sure how I ended up on your list.

However, the problem is that I don't need your coupons or your samples. You see, back in February we suffered a miscarriage. I'm sure that our baby would've loved your wonderful product and I would've appreciated the coupons. On several occasions, I've thought about writing you to ask you to please take me off your mailing list because it still hurts to receive these items. Then I wonder about the future and think "maybe someday we'll want to receive these things again..." and then I'm a mess.

I'm sure your deliveries are normally received with great pleasure by it's recipients. But I just wanted to bring to your attention that there are those of us out there who dread them. We understand that things don't always work out how they should.

Maybe I'm just hyper-sensitive, but it still hurts, almost 9 months later.

P.S. This goes for you too Baby Talk Magazine, Enfamil and Pampers!

Hope Deferred

2011-11-12T22:57:00.001-05:00

Proverbs 13:12 - Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But desire fulfilled is a tree of life.

Hope deferred has been the story of our lives for the last four years (we're still waiting on that "desire fulfilled" part). In July of 2007 we decided that we were ready to start our family. Neither of us were in a big hurry so when things didn't happen immediately, we weren't too concerned. About a year and a half into it, we followed up with my gynecologist who ordered some tests but didn't seem too concerned.

We began to really feel the effects of infertility in 2009. Everyone around us seemed to have no trouble starting or growing their families. Friends, family, people at work... the list just kept growing, but our names weren't on it. Every time someone else made an announcement, the obvious question followed... "when are you guys going to have kids?" While meant innocently, it was salt in a wound for us. Those emotions flood in every time the pregnancy announcement is for someone other than you. It's happened more times than I care to count in the last four years. We waited and prayed, thinking that it was bound to happen eventually.

2010 followed in that same pattern and we realized that we had to do what we could. During that year, we asked our doctor to refer us to an infertility specialist. We were given three names but quickly realized that we were at the right place with the first one we visited. In a world where we had no idea what to expect or even what to ask, these people were angels! Once we got the ball rolling there we both felt we were on the right track. It took a while to come to grips with the fact that this is where life led us, but with a slight delay during the summer due to a car accident Fourth of July weekend, we continued moving forward towards IVF. We had been through so much and waited so long, we were ready to move forward.

This time last year we were starting the process and things progressed along quite well. At the same time every evening DH would faithfully give me shots (I was too wimpy to do it myself); we were so excited at the thoughts of what this could bring! Doctor's appointments followed, typically 1-2 times a week, to make sure everything was going as planned. A week before Christmas we had our transfer and that started the longest two weeks of our lives. Two healthy embryos were transferred back to us and the rest was out of our hands. It would be two weeks before we knew if the transfer was successful but those fourteen days, while scary, were some of the best days we'd had in a long time... this might be our long time dream fulfilled!

On January 3 we went for bloodwork for our pregnancy test and within a few hours received the best news we'd ever heard... the words, "You're pregnant!!!" Words cannot describe the pure joy that came over us in that moment. The nurse on the other end of the phone kept talking but neither of us could remember much of what she said because we were both crying and laughing by then. We quickly started making phone calls to the few people who knew so we could share our news with them. While we wanted to shout it from the rooftops, we waited until our first ultrasound to start telling other people. Our entire life was turned upside down as we started looking at nursery decor, paint colors, etc. and were finally able to walk into Babies-R-Us with a smile instead of avoiding it like the plague as we had for so long.

After several appointments with the specialist, everything looked great and we had been released to go back to our regular doctor. Of course, I scheduled that appointment for the end of February and couldn't wait for it to get here. Sadly, we never made it to that appointment. On February 21st, I started to have some pain and cramping and immediately called the doctor. They advised me to take it easy and stay off my feet but to call if I didn't get any better. By the next day I was worse so they got me in for an ultrasound where our worst fears were confirmed. I don't remember much of what the doctor said that day except the haunting words, "I can't find a heartbeat." The next days and weeks were just a blur as reality began to sink in. After everything we'd been through already, I never imagined that this would happen to us. It wasn't a thought that had even entered my mind. We had come so far!

I know some of you reading this may have different emotions and opinions about our choices. Maybe you've faced similar things in your life and you can relate to us. Maybe you haven't and you question the choices we made and think, "I would never do that." Let me share one thing I've learned in the last few years, you don't know what you'd do in someone else's situation because you've never been in their shoes.

There are some of you that know us but had no idea about any of this. It's been a long hard struggle for us and a very personal one as I'm sure you can imagine. We made the decision early on to only tell a very few people that were closest to us. It was the safest thing to do. And while we don't regret that decision, we both feel that moving forward we'll approach it a little differently. People struggling with infertility need a voice. They need an advocate. They need a shoulder to lean on. What if that awareness starts with us?

I'm sure that this post will get some people talking, and maybe that's a good thing. Educating and making people aware is the first step towards changing things and bringing this disease out of the shadows. I guess that's the whole point of this post and hopefully this blog. If our story can help a few other people, create awareness, open minds and plant a seed of hope then we've succeeded.

Here's hoping for better things ahead...