It's Official... BFN

I got the call pretty early this afternoon and my hcg level is down to two. That's it... it's over. I'm still having a hard time processing all of this. It's not supposed to be this hard.

The nurse that called was fine but just not the friendliest nurse either... of course I was obviously on edge too. She gave me the news, answered some of my questions about the cycle and an FET but said that we would need to start meds today for an FET since my period had started on Friday. That totally threw me off as I didn't think about it being that quick!!

After we hung up and Jeff and I talked, we both felt we wanted to talk to Dr. A before making a decision. So I called back, left a message that we had some questions and would like to talk to him. Don't you know the same nurse called me back?! Asked me what questions I had and she would try and answer them. Ugh! I just wanted to talk to my doctor. He was working from another location today and she said he wouldn't be able to call me back until tomorrow. I pressed her on it because I wanted to talk to him first and she said we needed to start meds tonight if we were moving forward. She then said it would "probably" be ok to wait on meds until tomorrow.

That did it for me. I said "With all the money we've spent with you guys and the money we're getting ready to spend, I'm not ok making a decision like this on 'probably'. I'm not trying to be rude and I know I'm emotional but I would think I'd be able to talk to my doctor for something like this." I think that's about the time I started crying and she seemed to soften up a little and said she'd be sure he called me today. She then became very helpful!

So, here's the info I got after my RE called me this evening:

He feels implantation did occur since we did have a slightly positive number. I'm sure it was higher a few days prior to the first beta since my period had already started by then. They classify it as a bio-chemical pregnancy which is what I thought happened based on how I felt last week and then the ensuing heavy bleeding (which he said was a good sign of implantation).

I asked his thoughts on moving immediately into our FET versus waiting a month and he said it was personal preference. They don't feel that one is better or more successful than the other, whatever we prefer.

We have two frozen embryos (blasts) and he said with an FET they would probably thaw both and transfer both if they both make it.

At this point we've had a successful IVF #1 followed by a miscarriage and a chemical after IVF #2. So of course I asked the question, is there something going on with me that we need to look into in more detail? I don't necessarily feel like there is but I had to ask. Our only known issue is MFI which we've overcome with the help of ICSI and resulting in perfectly "normal" embryos. He doesn't feel that there's an issue like that either, maybe based on how my body has responded to both cycles and my hormone levels, etc. Don't get me wrong, I certainly don't want another issue on top of this but at this point I just want some answers.

Jeff and I talked over the weekend about all of these questions and how soon we should look at an FET, since we basically already knew the results of this cycle. He felt we should go right into it but after more discussion tonight, I think we're going to give it a month in between. It's just too quick to go right back at it.

I don't think this has even completly sunk in for us yet and I'm not sure when it will. It seems surreal and like we're on the outside looking in at our lives with no control of any of it. The last few days have been a blur as we started to grieve but tried to hang on to hope as long as we could. It's been a weird mix of emotions these few days.

Just a month to clear our heads and take a little pressure off. We have a 4 day trip coming up in April and if we moved forward with an FET now, we would be due to get results during that trip. Neither one of us care to even cancel that trip completely but I think we need it. Some time for just the two of us to get away from it all, enjoy each other and have some fun.

We're still trying to wrap our heads around the whirlwind of the last few months and give our broken hearts a chance to heal up a little more before putting them out there one more time...

Transfer Day!!!

We're home from our transfer!! Everything went well and I am laying on the couch catching up on my blogs!

One of the nurses took us to a room where we could both change and she went over all of our instructions. Basically, rest today, continue prenatal vitamins and conitinue Endometrin.

We both changed into our scrubs and they took us back. Dr A came in with a picture of the best two of our embabies. Of course, they are beautiful! Then he asked how many we wanted to transfer. Through this whole process, we planned on transferring two. And we transferred two last time.

I responded with "two" but that wasn't set in stone, and we asked what he would recommend. Since the embryos were high quality and made it to a day 5 transfer, he recommended that we only transfer one. I asked what our "chances" of pregnancy would be with one versus two and he felt that it would be about the same. He showed some concern at the idea of me carrying twins (my size) and the increased risk for complications. Because of my small build, he was concerned about late term complications. And we've had one miscarriage. I understand his concern, these are things I've certainly thought about too. I'm small and I'm sure it could be hard. Hard on me, hard on them.

He made a point to stop and ask Jeff what his thoughts were which really meant alot to me. Jeff replied that he wanted whatever was best for me. As much as we want a baby, we don't want to make an irrational decision against our doctor's recommendations. What is it about IF...? we're forced to make  big decisions in small amounts of time with small pieces of information.

Dr A was great to let us ask questions and took his time to answer them honestly. As of right now, it looks like we still have 3 embabies growing and they will (hopefully) be frozen tomorrow (full blastocyst stage).

So... we took his advice and transferred one perfect little embryo! While he was doing the transfer, Dr. A. was talking and as this little guy showed up on the ultrasound screen he called him Zoom! Who knows where that came from but we all laughed and now we have our babies nickname... meet Zoom!

We're very excited and in love with him already!

Of course, in the back of my head I keep wondering if we made the right decision on transferring one but I feel like we did. With our doctor's advice we made the decision we felt was right for us. Again, big decisions, small amounts of time.

We're praying that Zoom is digging in for the next 9 months and that those remaining embabies keep growing. In a perfect world, it would be nice to have one baby and then do a FET to try for another. We're just taking it one day at a time and enjoying where we are right now.

Thank you for all your thoughts, prayers and well-wishes! It's nice to have so many people cheering us along on this journey.

Change of Plans

We anxiously waited for a phone call this morning to tell us if our transfer was getting bumped to Tuesday for a day 5 transfer or not. No phone call meant we were transferring today and we were to arrive at 9:15. By 7:00 we hadn't heard anything so we got up and started getting ready.

I barely got any sleep last night, I was more nervous about the transfer than I was for the retrieval! I remember waking up around 1:00 this morning and then every hour after that until the alarm went off.

We hit the road with my water bottle in hand so I'd have a partially full bladder when we arrived. However, we were nearing the exit for their office when my phone rang. When it popped up Dr. A's office, I think my heart stopped. Why would they be calling 10 minutes before our appt time unless something was wrong?!

The nurse introduced herself and said that the lab had checked our embabies this morning and they were recommending that we wait for a day 5 transfer!! That's about the point I caught my breath again. I said, "Oh, I thought we were supposed to hear something by 7:00 if we were doing a day 5? We're getting off the interstate now." She apologized and said she would check with the lab about going today. I quickly stopped her and said that we were fine with waiting until Tuesday that she just caught me off guard.

On Sundays there are very few people there and she kept apologizing that she had just finished up an appt and had a chance to call. I assured her that we didn't mind at all and that we would just go get breakfast instead. We asked her how our embabies were doing and they are all still growing!!! Aaahh! I didn't have a pen to write all of it down but I think she said that one was a 6 cell, one was 8, two were 10, two were 12 and two were 14!!!

We hung up talking with her and got back on the interstate. I looked over at Jeff and there were tears in his eyes. I think we were both so afraid that something was wrong and instead we received wonderful news. He seems so much more relaxed now and so excited.

We'll get a call tomorrow to set up our appointment time for Tuesday. We plan to transfer two and hope that we have some that we can freeze as well. We didn't have any to freeze last time, but it will be nice just to have that little peace of mind.

It was so nice to get a phone call like that and it was bringing good news for a change! Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers! Here's to Tuesday!!

Fertilization Report

Just got a call from Dr. A's office! Out of the 12 eggs retrieved, 10 were mature and 8 of them fertilized with ICSI! We're really excited as we're working with more than we had last cycle.

We have a tentative appointment set up for 9:15 on Sunday morning for transfer. The lab will check our embabies on Sunday morning and call us by 7:00 with their recommendation to transfer Sunday or wait to transfer on Tuesday (day 5). Still nervous about this part but I know that they are in good hands while they're away from us.

The nurse that called assured us that if they decided to transfer on day 3 not to think it was a bad thing. The lab will make the call on what they feel is best and if there's any question about them continuing to divide out to blastocyst stage, we'll move forward with Sunday's transfer and not wait for day 5. She said "our job is to transfer at the best time to get you pregnant, whatever day that ends up being."

Thanks for all your well wishes! Keep sending love and prayers to our embabies that they will all be strong and keep dividing as they should!

Now I guess I should get back to work... don't know how productive I'll be today with all of this on my mind!

Retrieval Scheduled

So apparently I need a little longer stim time and after a quick check this morning, Dr. B. suggested we stim one more day (today) and trigger tomorrow. He said that seven eggs were "ready to go" but he thinks we can get ten if we bump everything by a day. Of course, ten would be better so I agreed to do whatever he thought was best. Our retrieval is set for Thursday morning and we are supposed to arrive at their office by 7 am (and we're about 45 minutes away). The good thing is that we should beat most of the traffic because we'll be so early!

Our u/s today was at their small satellite office and they were kind of slow so we were able to sit and talk with Dr. B as he went over our schedule for the next week or so. They are now recommending (like many of your clinics) a day 5 transfer which I wasn't aware of. He really took his time and answered all the questions I could come up with about the differences in the day 3 and day 5 transfer, some of which I was aware of but it was nice to hear all of this directly from my doctor.

They had to check the schedule with the main office before actually giving me a time for the retrieval, and they called me this afternoon with specific times. When I answered, I heard the voice of my favorite nurse, H, on the other end of the line! I just love her! She went over all of our retrieval instructions, times and specifics to make sure we were clear on everything. Then she surprised me by saying she had notes written on my chart that she would be the nurse handling my retrieval! I was so happy to hear that she would be with me that day, I'm really comfortable with her and especially with Dr. A being gone, it will be so nice to have her there with us on Thursday!

As for the transfer, we're on standby for Sunday morning until the embryologist checks our embabies and gives their recommendation. If they're still growing and dividing they will typically recommend waiting and doing a day 5 (blastocyst) transfer on Tuesday. If they feel that it would be better to proceed with a day 3 transfer, they'll call us to come on down on Sunday morning. Works out nicely that it's on a Sunday and we're both off. I'm excited but a little nervous about this!

That's all the updates for us right now but I wanted to share a funny story with you that Dr. B told us today. We were talking about running into patients down the road and how he remembers people and their stories. He was grocery shopping years ago when a woman ran up to him and excitedly shouted, "Dr. B!! You got me pregnant!!!" He was convinced she shouted it loud enough that half of the store heard it so he quickly greeted her and responded, "Helped! I 'helped' you get pregnant!!" I'm sure that every shopper in that aisle had whiplash as they tried to take in that whole exchange!

So just a little piece of advice if you run into your RE in public... choose your words wisely!