I got the call pretty early this afternoon and my hcg level is down to two. That's it... it's over. I'm still having a hard time processing all of this. It's not supposed to be this hard.
The nurse that called was fine but just not the friendliest nurse either... of course I was obviously on edge too. She gave me the news, answered some of my questions about the cycle and an FET but said that we would need to start meds today for an FET since my period had started on Friday. That totally threw me off as I didn't think about it being that quick!!
After we hung up and Jeff and I talked, we both felt we wanted to talk to Dr. A before making a decision. So I called back, left a message that we had some questions and would like to talk to him. Don't you know the same nurse called me back?! Asked me what questions I had and she would try and answer them. Ugh! I just wanted to talk to my doctor. He was working from another location today and she said he wouldn't be able to call me back until tomorrow. I pressed her on it because I wanted to talk to him first and she said we needed to start meds tonight if we were moving forward. She then said it would "probably" be ok to wait on meds until tomorrow.
That did it for me. I said "With all the money we've spent with you guys and the money we're getting ready to spend, I'm not ok making a decision like this on 'probably'. I'm not trying to be rude and I know I'm emotional but I would think I'd be able to talk to my doctor for something like this." I think that's about the time I started crying and she seemed to soften up a little and said she'd be sure he called me today. She then became very helpful!
So, here's the info I got after my RE called me this evening:
He feels implantation did occur since we did have a slightly positive number. I'm sure it was higher a few days prior to the first beta since my period had already started by then. They classify it as a bio-chemical pregnancy which is what I thought happened based on how I felt last week and then the ensuing heavy bleeding (which he said was a good sign of implantation).
I asked his thoughts on moving immediately into our FET versus waiting a month and he said it was personal preference. They don't feel that one is better or more successful than the other, whatever we prefer.
We have two frozen embryos (blasts) and he said with an FET they would probably thaw both and transfer both if they both make it.
At this point we've had a successful IVF #1 followed by a miscarriage and a chemical after IVF #2. So of course I asked the question, is there something going on with me that we need to look into in more detail? I don't necessarily feel like there is but I had to ask. Our only known issue is MFI which we've overcome with the help of ICSI and resulting in perfectly "normal" embryos. He doesn't feel that there's an issue like that either, maybe based on how my body has responded to both cycles and my hormone levels, etc. Don't get me wrong, I certainly don't want another issue on top of this but at this point I just want some answers.
Jeff and I talked over the weekend about all of these questions and how soon we should look at an FET, since we basically already knew the results of this cycle. He felt we should go right into it but after more discussion tonight, I think we're going to give it a month in between. It's just too quick to go right back at it.
I don't think this has even completly sunk in for us yet and I'm not sure when it will. It seems surreal and like we're on the outside looking in at our lives with no control of any of it. The last few days have been a blur as we started to grieve but tried to hang on to hope as long as we could. It's been a weird mix of emotions these few days.
Just a month to clear our heads and take a little pressure off. We have a 4 day trip coming up in April and if we moved forward with an FET now, we would be due to get results during that trip. Neither one of us care to even cancel that trip completely but I think we need it. Some time for just the two of us to get away from it all, enjoy each other and have some fun.
We're still trying to wrap our heads around the whirlwind of the last few months and give our broken hearts a chance to heal up a little more before putting them out there one more time...
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Monday, March 12, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Beta = 11
Eleven. That's our beta # at 11dp5dt.
If you read my last post you know that some spotting started Friday morning and then let up. By Friday afternoon it was full on and I knew something was wrong. I called the nurse back and asked to go ahead with a blood test on Saturday instead of waiting until Monday. She agreed and set up the appointment for Saturday morning.
She called a few hours later and delivered the news. It came back with a low positive. 11.
It was news I was expecting at that point but "a low positive?"... what does that mean?! Does it mean that 3 days ago I was pregnant and now I'm not? I asked the nurse what it meant and she said it sounds like something (Zoom) tried to implant and take off but didn't make it.
I honestly haven't cried much because I'm still in shock with the whole thing. If I'm honest I've just been angry. I wasn't even crying writing this post until I typed our little nickname, Zoom.
The nurse told me to continue taking my Endometrin through Monday, just to be safe, because we "can't give up all hope yet." Of course I'm following those orders but I feel like I'm being strung along. Not by my doctor's office, I know this is out of their control, but by hope. That's the word that's kept us going over the last few years. The middle name we wanted to use if we had a little girl after IVF #1. The word I have tattooed on my left foot. But I don't know how much hope I have left.
They still want me to come back in on Monday for another beta to be sure what that number is doing. I'm not expecting much as it would take a miracle to change things now. Honestly I'm just scared that something else is going on and would require a D&C. I haven't even spoken of those fears to Jeff or anyone else. I don't want him to worry about it.
Based on the amount of bleeding I'm having, I don't think I need to worry about it. My periods are normally very light and this is anything but that.
I'm not sure where to go from here. Jeff and I have dealt with loss and grief before and we'll make it, but it's never easy. We deal with things so differently, but I think most couples are like that. I could stay on the couch and be angry, sad or whatever other emotion comes at the time while Jeff can't be cooped up that long. He just left to go for a drive just to get out of the house for a while and clear his head. I'm glad that we realize and respect our differences though.
I just don't know what I'm grieving at this point... a failed cycle, a chemical pregnancy... but maybe it doesn't matter. So many of us have grieved alot of different things and our grief is still valid. It could be a different scenario than someone else but the pain is no less real. That's what I love about this community.
I'll update again with our results tomorrow and hopefully we have more information.
If you read my last post you know that some spotting started Friday morning and then let up. By Friday afternoon it was full on and I knew something was wrong. I called the nurse back and asked to go ahead with a blood test on Saturday instead of waiting until Monday. She agreed and set up the appointment for Saturday morning.
She called a few hours later and delivered the news. It came back with a low positive. 11.
It was news I was expecting at that point but "a low positive?"... what does that mean?! Does it mean that 3 days ago I was pregnant and now I'm not? I asked the nurse what it meant and she said it sounds like something (Zoom) tried to implant and take off but didn't make it.
I honestly haven't cried much because I'm still in shock with the whole thing. If I'm honest I've just been angry. I wasn't even crying writing this post until I typed our little nickname, Zoom.
The nurse told me to continue taking my Endometrin through Monday, just to be safe, because we "can't give up all hope yet." Of course I'm following those orders but I feel like I'm being strung along. Not by my doctor's office, I know this is out of their control, but by hope. That's the word that's kept us going over the last few years. The middle name we wanted to use if we had a little girl after IVF #1. The word I have tattooed on my left foot. But I don't know how much hope I have left.
They still want me to come back in on Monday for another beta to be sure what that number is doing. I'm not expecting much as it would take a miracle to change things now. Honestly I'm just scared that something else is going on and would require a D&C. I haven't even spoken of those fears to Jeff or anyone else. I don't want him to worry about it.
Based on the amount of bleeding I'm having, I don't think I need to worry about it. My periods are normally very light and this is anything but that.
I'm not sure where to go from here. Jeff and I have dealt with loss and grief before and we'll make it, but it's never easy. We deal with things so differently, but I think most couples are like that. I could stay on the couch and be angry, sad or whatever other emotion comes at the time while Jeff can't be cooped up that long. He just left to go for a drive just to get out of the house for a while and clear his head. I'm glad that we realize and respect our differences though.
I just don't know what I'm grieving at this point... a failed cycle, a chemical pregnancy... but maybe it doesn't matter. So many of us have grieved alot of different things and our grief is still valid. It could be a different scenario than someone else but the pain is no less real. That's what I love about this community.
I'll update again with our results tomorrow and hopefully we have more information.
*************************
This post wouldn't be complete though without a HUGE shout-out of congratulations to two of my cycle sisters who just got their BFP's!!!
Rachel at A Sarti Party (she does not have this info on her blog but you can email to congratulate her!)
Joys Truly at Gonna Do It For Baby
I am truly happy for both of you ladies! I'm glad we've gotten to know each other through blogging and I'll still be following along. Live it up!! xoxo
Sunday, January 15, 2012
So, about that letter...
Remember the letter to my family and friends that I've been so obsessed with sending out? Well, I got it to a point that I was happy with and finally showed the "finished product" to hubby before hitting send. He knew about the letter but hadn't read it until one night this week. I knew he wasn't real keen on the idea of sending this letter, but I thought once he read it he might change his mind.
Umm, no.
He wasn't sold on it. Honestly, I think it made things a little worse and brought up some suppressed emotions for him.
I've never really shared alot on here about details of our situation becuase for me, it didn't matter. We're all here together working towards a common goal. Details are different for everyone but the finish line is the same. We're doing IVF w/ ICSI and to our knowledge, a low sperm count is our only "issue." Low enough though that we skipped IUI's all together and jumped directly to the big gun. The events of the last few years have been really hard on him and there are times that I see it even more plainly.
Reading that letter was one of those times. He's afraid that sending that letter will only create more questions and more talk. His family was one of the specific groups he mentioned regarding people "talking." He didn't know why I felt like we needed to share all of this with alot of people who hadn't even made an effort to be there for us over the last several years. One thing he said was that "all of this is my fault." More emotions kept showing the more he talked.
I didn't even try to convince him otherwise or explain my motives. They were pure and I honestly think most people assume it's a "female" issue and then he wouldn't have to worry about these types of questions. But the more he talked the worse I felt. I felt guilty and sad for making him feel this way.
I know how IF has affected me but it certainly changes our husbands too. Needless to say, that letter won't be leaving my draft folder anytime soon. My main concern and loyalty has to be to my husband. I still feel like it would be a good thing but if he's not convinced yet, I can't rush it. We have to be on the same page as much as possible, we're the two walking down this road - not anyone else.
So for now this blog will continue to be my outlet. Only time will tell how much we share with other people, maybe we will at some point down the road. I'll just focus on our upcoming IVF and take care of my hubby as much as I can. I just wish that I could take some of his pain away. This is not his "fault", it's simply the hand we've been dealt. We'll keep working through it the only way we know how - together.
Umm, no.
He wasn't sold on it. Honestly, I think it made things a little worse and brought up some suppressed emotions for him.
I've never really shared alot on here about details of our situation becuase for me, it didn't matter. We're all here together working towards a common goal. Details are different for everyone but the finish line is the same. We're doing IVF w/ ICSI and to our knowledge, a low sperm count is our only "issue." Low enough though that we skipped IUI's all together and jumped directly to the big gun. The events of the last few years have been really hard on him and there are times that I see it even more plainly.
Reading that letter was one of those times. He's afraid that sending that letter will only create more questions and more talk. His family was one of the specific groups he mentioned regarding people "talking." He didn't know why I felt like we needed to share all of this with alot of people who hadn't even made an effort to be there for us over the last several years. One thing he said was that "all of this is my fault." More emotions kept showing the more he talked.
I didn't even try to convince him otherwise or explain my motives. They were pure and I honestly think most people assume it's a "female" issue and then he wouldn't have to worry about these types of questions. But the more he talked the worse I felt. I felt guilty and sad for making him feel this way.
I know how IF has affected me but it certainly changes our husbands too. Needless to say, that letter won't be leaving my draft folder anytime soon. My main concern and loyalty has to be to my husband. I still feel like it would be a good thing but if he's not convinced yet, I can't rush it. We have to be on the same page as much as possible, we're the two walking down this road - not anyone else.
So for now this blog will continue to be my outlet. Only time will tell how much we share with other people, maybe we will at some point down the road. I'll just focus on our upcoming IVF and take care of my hubby as much as I can. I just wish that I could take some of his pain away. This is not his "fault", it's simply the hand we've been dealt. We'll keep working through it the only way we know how - together.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Hard to do...
I know I've shared before that my little sister is pregnant with baby #2 and as hard as that is, it brought up another dilemma recently.
You see, we started our first IVF cycle in November of last year and that's the same month my nephew was born. My sister has always been very supportive of us and our decision and was excited for us. When we got our BFP on January 3 she was ecstatic right along with us! She quickly offered to let me borrow her maternity clothes, pregnancy books, body pillow, etc. I remember having a little twinge of something (maybe jealousy) because I should've experienced all this before her. But still, it was so fun to finally be having these types of conversations and sharing this with her.
Within the next few days I had everything laid out on the bed in the spare bedroom, the soon to be nursery, and was so excited at the thought of what was ahead. The cute little t-shirts and dresses... I was going to be so proud wearing all this stuff. I did get some use out of the "belly band" because some of my jeans got a little snug. I immediately started reading several of the books she gave me and tracked our baby's progress daily.
Sadly, I never got to wear those maternity clothes. On February 22, just two days shy of 12 weeks, our world changed forever. Unable to even go in that room for quite some time, those clothes continued to lay there... for quite a while. My sweet hubby cleaned up some stuff that had piled up in there, but I couldn't bring myself to even look at those clothes. They stared at me like a ghost of what should have been. They haunted me.
I really don't remember how long they sat there before one day while I was home by myself, I went in that room and in between sobs, I just threw everything into plastic bags and shoved it all into the top of the closet. "I'll need it again one day." That was no comfort at all then but as the months passed, I could begin to see myself in those clothes one day.
That was, until October 9. The day that little sis told me she was pregnant. Again. I cried, just like the first time she got pregnant. I had no idea they were even trying for #2 and now she's pregnant?! She cried too and apologized because it all just happened so quick...! Really? I'm sorry that good things like pregancy happen so quick... we've been on this road 4.5 years... nothing quick about that! I know she just didn't really know what to say... no one does. And there's nothing in me that would wish any of this on anyone, let alone my sister.
Within the same day that she told me, my mind drifted back to those clothes hiding in the shadows of my closet and it hit me, "She's going to need those clothes back before I ever get to wear them." And it was like someone kicked me in the stomach all over again. I never thought about that happening. Or maybe I just never let myself go there...
I mentioned it to my mom one time thinking maybe she'd offer to come get them but she never mentioned it again. I haven't had a conversation with my sister about them, I couldn't. So those clothes have continued to haunt me from their perch in the closet. But I knew I couldn't wait for her to ask for them back, I couldn't handle that discussion.
Every time I thought I could muster a little courage and deal with it, I would wimp out. Until yesterday on my way home from work it hit me... "I'm taking those clothes over to mom's and then sis can pick them up from there." I came home, grabbed them all in one big armload and threw them in the trunk. I didn't even stop to really think about what I was doing or I would've wimped out again.
I visited my mom for a while and then told her that I brought all those clothes over and sis could just pick them up from her house. "I won't be needing them," I said. To which she replied, "Yet." What I really wanted to say is that I never imagined she'd need them back before I ever got to use them, but I didn't. Why couldn't I just say that? I probably would've started crying but who cares? I have a bad habit of censoring what I'm really feeling, even if it's when talking to someone close to me.
My mom keeps telling me that I need to try and focus on myself and not on what's going on with other people. While I understand there's some truth in that, it's hard to completely ignore everything around you... I'm excited for what's ahead for DH and I, but there is grief and extreme sadness to deal with on a daily basis too. Of course it bothers me that sis is pregnant again but more than jealousy, it's bitter sadness for us and our empty arms. I don't want her babies, I want mine.
She made the big announcement on FB yesterday (a friend called and told me, I deleted my account over a year ago) and it just breaks my heart. How many people will contact us just to say they're thinking of us? My guess... very few, if any. Don't they understand they can be happy for her and sad for us at the same time? It's hard when our lives are so intertwined with alot of the same people. I feel like there's very few people I can share my true feelings with because they know her too.
This whole ride is just so emotionally draining. So thankful I have this outlet and new found friends that I can share with... and you guys get it.
You see, we started our first IVF cycle in November of last year and that's the same month my nephew was born. My sister has always been very supportive of us and our decision and was excited for us. When we got our BFP on January 3 she was ecstatic right along with us! She quickly offered to let me borrow her maternity clothes, pregnancy books, body pillow, etc. I remember having a little twinge of something (maybe jealousy) because I should've experienced all this before her. But still, it was so fun to finally be having these types of conversations and sharing this with her.
Within the next few days I had everything laid out on the bed in the spare bedroom, the soon to be nursery, and was so excited at the thought of what was ahead. The cute little t-shirts and dresses... I was going to be so proud wearing all this stuff. I did get some use out of the "belly band" because some of my jeans got a little snug. I immediately started reading several of the books she gave me and tracked our baby's progress daily.
Sadly, I never got to wear those maternity clothes. On February 22, just two days shy of 12 weeks, our world changed forever. Unable to even go in that room for quite some time, those clothes continued to lay there... for quite a while. My sweet hubby cleaned up some stuff that had piled up in there, but I couldn't bring myself to even look at those clothes. They stared at me like a ghost of what should have been. They haunted me.
I really don't remember how long they sat there before one day while I was home by myself, I went in that room and in between sobs, I just threw everything into plastic bags and shoved it all into the top of the closet. "I'll need it again one day." That was no comfort at all then but as the months passed, I could begin to see myself in those clothes one day.
That was, until October 9. The day that little sis told me she was pregnant. Again. I cried, just like the first time she got pregnant. I had no idea they were even trying for #2 and now she's pregnant?! She cried too and apologized because it all just happened so quick...! Really? I'm sorry that good things like pregancy happen so quick... we've been on this road 4.5 years... nothing quick about that! I know she just didn't really know what to say... no one does. And there's nothing in me that would wish any of this on anyone, let alone my sister.
Within the same day that she told me, my mind drifted back to those clothes hiding in the shadows of my closet and it hit me, "She's going to need those clothes back before I ever get to wear them." And it was like someone kicked me in the stomach all over again. I never thought about that happening. Or maybe I just never let myself go there...
I mentioned it to my mom one time thinking maybe she'd offer to come get them but she never mentioned it again. I haven't had a conversation with my sister about them, I couldn't. So those clothes have continued to haunt me from their perch in the closet. But I knew I couldn't wait for her to ask for them back, I couldn't handle that discussion.
Every time I thought I could muster a little courage and deal with it, I would wimp out. Until yesterday on my way home from work it hit me... "I'm taking those clothes over to mom's and then sis can pick them up from there." I came home, grabbed them all in one big armload and threw them in the trunk. I didn't even stop to really think about what I was doing or I would've wimped out again.
I visited my mom for a while and then told her that I brought all those clothes over and sis could just pick them up from her house. "I won't be needing them," I said. To which she replied, "Yet." What I really wanted to say is that I never imagined she'd need them back before I ever got to use them, but I didn't. Why couldn't I just say that? I probably would've started crying but who cares? I have a bad habit of censoring what I'm really feeling, even if it's when talking to someone close to me.
My mom keeps telling me that I need to try and focus on myself and not on what's going on with other people. While I understand there's some truth in that, it's hard to completely ignore everything around you... I'm excited for what's ahead for DH and I, but there is grief and extreme sadness to deal with on a daily basis too. Of course it bothers me that sis is pregnant again but more than jealousy, it's bitter sadness for us and our empty arms. I don't want her babies, I want mine.
She made the big announcement on FB yesterday (a friend called and told me, I deleted my account over a year ago) and it just breaks my heart. How many people will contact us just to say they're thinking of us? My guess... very few, if any. Don't they understand they can be happy for her and sad for us at the same time? It's hard when our lives are so intertwined with alot of the same people. I feel like there's very few people I can share my true feelings with because they know her too.
This whole ride is just so emotionally draining. So thankful I have this outlet and new found friends that I can share with... and you guys get it.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Just a little sad...
Back in October, my sister told me that baby #2 was on the way. We've been sad, hurt, upset and the whole gamut of other emotions that some of you have experienced too. We've been TTC since they began dating four and a half years ago - and now they are expecting #2. Somehow, we've been better with it than what I expected we'd be... I'm not sure how or why. We're close and she's been very supportive of us but it still strains our relationship.
This morning, I text her about some concert tickets for next summer to see if they wanted to go. Two of my favorite artists, Kenny Chesney and Tim McGraw, are in concert together and some of us are going! :-) Now, I figured that her due date was close to my birthday, June 17 but I had never asked. Is that terrible?? She said they would pass on the July 1st concert since it was only about 2 weeks after her due date... so I asked. She's due on the 18th. One day after my birthday.
I know it's silly but it bothered me. With her first pregnancy she found out the sex of the baby ON my birthday! Now baby #2 is due practically ON my birthday! Is this really happening? I feel like this can't all be coincidental even though it probably is. But seriously, what are the chances?
I'm just hoping that this new year brings good things for DH and I and the events in other peoples lives won't bother us so much because we'll be so distracted by the wonderful things happening in ours... it's just so hard to stay positive for ourselves with everything happening around us.
Just a little sad this morning... but we'll make it. We always do.
This morning, I text her about some concert tickets for next summer to see if they wanted to go. Two of my favorite artists, Kenny Chesney and Tim McGraw, are in concert together and some of us are going! :-) Now, I figured that her due date was close to my birthday, June 17 but I had never asked. Is that terrible?? She said they would pass on the July 1st concert since it was only about 2 weeks after her due date... so I asked. She's due on the 18th. One day after my birthday.
I know it's silly but it bothered me. With her first pregnancy she found out the sex of the baby ON my birthday! Now baby #2 is due practically ON my birthday! Is this really happening? I feel like this can't all be coincidental even though it probably is. But seriously, what are the chances?
I'm just hoping that this new year brings good things for DH and I and the events in other peoples lives won't bother us so much because we'll be so distracted by the wonderful things happening in ours... it's just so hard to stay positive for ourselves with everything happening around us.
Just a little sad this morning... but we'll make it. We always do.
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