Sorting Out My Thoughts

After one week on Lup.ron, AF showed up yesterday. I don't know if this is the same for everyone but our instructions were 10 units of Lup.ron for two weeks or until AF showed up, whichever happens first. I called yesterday to report the start of my cycle and thought I would have to go in today or Monday for bloodwork and an ultrasound. The nurse said I could come in any day between Monday and Wednesday as they wouldn't be switching me to stims until Thursday anyway. I thought that was interesting, I think we switched to stims a little earlier with IVF #1.

I'll be sure to ask what the difference is when I go in on Wednesday. I know he said they were trying a little different protocol this time around, maybe this is part of it along with a little change in the stims from last time. IVF #1 we only had seven eggs retrieved, six fertilized but we got pregnant. I'm hoping for more eggs this time. Well, let's be honest... we're just hoping for a bring-home baby this time.

Which brings me to my next thought in this process; I knew that this IVF would overlap the time we were pregnant last year. Which also meant it would be close to the date of our miscarriage. The way I had it figured up, February 22 would fall sometime during our 2ww. But since we're not starting stims until February 9, we may be doing a retrieval or transfer right around February 22. That brings up some mixed emotions for me... sadness for what we lost, excitement for what we have to gain, etc.

Could the worst day of our lives suddenly become one of the best too? I'm not upset about this possibility, just a little confused. Through this whole process I feel like our baby is watching over us; maybe even helping us along this road. Maybe that sounds crazy, but it's the way I feel. That baby will forever be a part of our lives and our story.

Even though part of me is confused about all of this, there's a part of me that finds it interesting, like it was meant to be. I wouldn't necessarily "planned" it this way, I would've liked to done this a little sooner but it just didn't work out that way. I obviously realized and understood that February 22 was going to creep up on us during this cyle, the last of the anniversaries to make it through. I just didn't realize how close this all "could" be.

We've done what we can to honor our baby and to remember "her" (we didn't know what we were having, I just always think it was a girl). On September 8, what should've been our due date, we both took the day off work just to spend it together. We went to our local greenhouse and bought a dwarf weeping cherry tree and planted it in the middle of our flowerbeds at the front of our house. I think of her every day when I see it. We joined a support group in our community which became a HUGE part of our healing process. This group meets monthly and it really just an open forum for everyone to share their story and their child. Through that group we met some amazing families, some of which we've become friends with. In October, we attended this group's "Walk to Remember" which honored the lives among us that were gone too soon. In December, we joined in on the "Memory Tree Lighting" to honor our baby and the countless others represented by the hundreds of people who were there.

I guess what I'm trying to say (or convince myself of), is that we've made as much peace as we can with where we are. I wish I was holding a 5 month old in my arms today instead of writing this post, but I'm not. I wish I was changing a diaper instead of injecting shots every day, but I'm not. Maybe there's a point we all reach (somehow) where we decide that we've done all we can to honor those lives that we lost too soon and realize that we're moving forward. We're not forgetting and moving on, we're remembering and moving forward.

Looking at this now, I'm glad we didn't rush forward with another IVF before that baby's due date. Maybe that's right for some people but I don't think it was the right timing for us. Miss Conception mentioned this in her post on Thursday and as I was commenting on her post, I started thinking about our situation.

So this is where we are. If our retrieval or transfer lands on that day, I think I'll be ok with it. Sure it will hold mixed emotions, but I'll have to think that our baby is looking down on us knowing how much she is loved and also putting in a good word for us with her future sibling(s). Our angel will be with us through the whole thing.

A Beautiful Evening

Last night DH and I were part of a beautiful evening to honor the child we lost. We are part of a group known as HEAL (Helping Endure A Loss) and they held their annual tree lighting ceremony last night. First off, let me say that the lady who runs the organization is an angel. She had a son who was born sleeping over 25 years ago and has started this group to help others through the most awful time in their life. The group is open to anyone who has experienced a miscarriage, neonatal death, infant loss, etc.

Registration began at 6:30 but when we arrived, the church was packed. If I ventured a guess, I would say there were close to 500 people there! What an amazing event! If you had RSVP'd, which we did, there were Christmas ornament personalized with your babies name as well as a small gift bag for each family. Each person's story was different but for one night we came together to honor our children and tell the world that they matter and have forever changed our lives.

Each child's name was read and the parents came forward, lit a candle and then placed their ornament on a gorgeous Christmas tree. At the end of the reading, the tree was illuminated and it was absolutely splendid! I've got pictures that I promise I'll post (hopefully later today).

My family went with us to show their support, it was so nice to have them there with us. There were siblings, grandparents and friends who came out to stand arm in arm with their loved ones as they honored the children that we lost too soon.

What an amazing event that in the middle of this Holiday Season that can be so tough, we found some comfort, some peace and some "validation" in these losses that so few people can understand.

The courage of one woman to start an organiztion such as this one to help others through their grief is absolutely amazing. Not all of us will do something of that magnitude, but it goes to show that if we're willing to do something we never know the difference we can make in someone's life.

I wish you could have all been there with us last night and I pray that you find something that brings you some comfort this Holiday Season!