Soul Searching

Not sure even how to begin this post... maybe that's the reason behind my unplanned hiatus from blogging - I can't put more than one thought into some coherent order.

The last few weeks rocked us more than I dreamed they would. Of course, we all know heading into treatment that this may not work. However, I feel that you have to get to the best place you can mentally prior to beginning a cycle. Everyone's "best place mentally" may be different than someone elses yet it doesn't make one right and the other wrong - this whole path is so personal.

Looking back I feel that we did everything we could to ensure that this cycle could work. That it WOULD work. Last summer I joined a gym to do my part and get my body ready for IVF in January, and I was dedicated three times a week. No caffeine, started prenatals again - all months before our cycle even started. They were things that I could control. We see arguably the best RE in our area, great success rates, wonderful staff, etc. Again more things we could control.

However, when it comes down to it, I realize that there is very little about this process that we have ANY control over. The best diet, workout routine, protocol or RE can't give us any guarantee for the outcome that lies ahead of us. Don't get me wrong, I still feel these things are important, but small pieces of an ever complex puzzle.

I've spent the last few weeks digging for answers, for support. I've had dinner with friends, went back to HEAL (the support group we became a part of after our miscarriage), e-mailed an acquaintance about her IVF journey, researched online and anything else I could think of to try and clear my head of all these questions. While I haven't uncovered a miraculous nugget of truth, yet, I have gained support and direction.

At the prompting of some friends and our own thoughts, we've decided to get a second opionion from another RE. We don't have plans to switch doctors, just simply to see if he finds something we've missed. The nagging question over the last few weeks is have we been so focused on the known MFI issue that we've missed something else? According to my RE and what I can find medically, the miscarriage and the chemical pregnancy are "unrelated". But after two textbook IVF cycles, good fertilization rates with ICSI, quality embryos and smooth transfers, we're still falling on the wrong side of the statistics. I need to really know that these two things are "unrelated" before moving into an FET with our precious two embabies. We've got an appointment this coming Wednesday for a consultation with the new doctor. He also does acupuncture in his practice so maybe that's something to look into as well.

I've taken time recently to exchange e-mails with a family acquaintance who now lives in another state about their IVF journey - 6 IUI rounds, 1st IVF/ICSI transferred 2 (pregnant with twins, miscarried at 8 weeks) followed by a FET with early miscarriage/chem pregnancy. The e-mail I received back was one of the most beautiful things I've EVER read and was an amazing view of this journey. I cried reading it, and cried as I re-read it for the second and third times. There were parts of it that were hard to read. Let me share a few things that she wrote:

"During the process, I tried to be “open” to the message that this was giving me—I wondered whether it was supposed to mean that we should adopt and even discussed special needs kids given my professional background…and eventually what came to me was that I needed to learn patience and give up control over everything, trust others, have faith, accept help from others.  I think the journey can teach us each the lesson WE need.  Maybe your lesson is knowing when to give up or maybe it is when to persist in the face of defeat…you and Jeff can only answer that—and you may each have different answers.  That doesn’t mean one is right—you’ll just have to find a way to work through it."

Wow. I don't know that I've been very open to any lessons along the way. But sometimes we can't see those lessons while we're in them, we only see them when looking back on them. Something I realized when I read this part of her e-mail:



 "I can’t even name the ways in which the process changed me—it made me more appreciative of my friends, smiling strangers, it gave me a perspective on what grief and hopelessness really feels like, it makes me think twice when someone is snappy with me because I realize they might be in personal pain.  I love my kids a little deeper, I know what it feels like to love a doctor for the life they have given you and even the small moments of compassion they provided when we needed it.  It taught me to be an advocate for my health and my children’s health, it taught me what I really wanted in life and what I was willing to sacrifice to get it.  It brought people into my life that otherwise wouldn’t have.  It made me truly believe that small moments change your life—deciding for M to take a job in Cincinnati where we had IVF coverage (at a time when it was unusual and didn’t even consider it) and to Dr. A and ultimately to a world renowned high risk OB unit that allowed the trips to be born healthy…When a new acquaintance mentioned she had struggled with infertility and ultimately she directed me towards Dr. A… my best friend from HS offering to be a surrogate—something that makes me cry even now as I type it because it’s one of the most selfless gestures I have ever received.  It’s not that I am glad I went through the process because it was soooooooo hard and terrifying and sad—but besides having a healthy and loving family, I also received so much more from it.  Know that you are growing and stretching in a way that is necessary and good, even when it feels like you are making no forward progress.  It will be years or decades maybe before you can see it with perspective, but try to appreciate the little moments of grace as they are presented to you."

I don't know if those words affected you like they did me but this whole journey is taking on a new perspective for me lately. No, I don't like it and wouldn't have chosen it. Nor do I enjoy the strain it's put on my marriage and other relationships. But I can look back and see those special people that have come into my life and heart as a result of this path.

A friend I had known for years introduced me to a friend of hers also struggling through IF. That girl, H, has since become my closest friend and confidant. She and her husband had a failed IVF #1 right before Jeff and I did our first IVF and we've shared the ups and downs of this journey side-by-side. After the miscarriage we were introduced to a group here locally called HEAL that is a parent support group for families who've experienced miscarriage, neonatal death, infant loss, etc. I never saw myself going to something like that but it has been priceless for us. S, the lady who started the group is a nurse and had a son who was still born in 1988 and has since devoted her life to supporting and educating parents and also research to prevent these losses. Through her devastation, she has reached hundreds of families to help them through their darkest days - she has truly been an angel for us, very possibly one of the best people I've ever met. Through that group, we've met several other couples that we're becoming good friends with. I think once you've shared the darkest or hardest parts of your life with someone, everything else comes so easily. Another girl I've recently met through my sister and now they are scheduled for a consultation with Dr. S (at the clinic we go to) in the next few weeks about surrogacy. I also would never have "met" such wonderful people through blogging, and I count you guys in that group of special people as well.

I'm not sure that any of this flows together the way I would like it to, but I wanted to get some of those thoughts out and share them with you. Of course I'm not saying that everything is wonderful for us right now - we still have alot of rough moments and rough days. We're not out of the woods yet. But I wanted to share what was on my mind and heart.

I've got alot of catching up to do on everyone's blogs - I feel like an awful friend for being on hiatus for so long. I'm sure I've missed alot. Stick with me as I get back into the swing of things. I'll try not to fall off the planet again.



Home from Retrieval

Hi ladies! Just wanted to post a quick update on today's retrieval.

We had to be at our RE's office at 7:00 this morning, so we got up at 5:00 to be sure we weren't rushed since their office is about 45 minutes away. I think Jeff was a little worried we'd be late as he felt the need to drive pretty fast all the way there! We made it and even arrived about 15 minutes early thanks to my little speedracer hubby!

Our sweet little nurse, H, greeted us this morning and just made us feel really comfortable. I was so happy that she was there with us today, we've really had a connection with her through this process and it was nice that she was able to share today with us. She hugged us as we left this morning and wished us luck.

I can still only remember bits and pieces of the actual procedure... I remember telling them that I wanted to work there!! Not really sure what I could do since I'm not in the medical field at all, but who knows. They probably get a good laugh from some of the things us girls say while under the influence of those drugs! Dr. S did our retrieval and he was very nice and came out and talked to Jeff as soon as the procedure was done so he would know I was ok.

The good news is... they were actually able to retrieve 12 eggs!! We were so excited! They had only been counting 10 but it's probably hard to tell for sure when they're all packed in such a little space. I feel alot better about things knowing that we have almost double the eggs we did on our last cycle (7).

We were in recovery for a little while so I could sleep off some of the anesthesia and then I started feeling a little shaky so they kept us a little while longer. I think we left their office about 10:00 and then stopped to get breakfast at a little cafe near their office. After that we came home and just slept for a few hours.

We'll have our fertilization report tomorrow morning and we'll know how many embabies we have! They are doing ICSI on all 12 and I'm hopeful for a good number!

Thank you for all your well wishes and support! I love having this blog and sharing this experience with new found friends. The e-mail address that is linked to this comes straight to my phone and as you wonderful ladies comment it's like getting little text messages from friends and it just makes my day!

Just When You Think You're OK

Don't get me wrong, I really don't feel too bad today. Still excited about where we are in our journey and excited about this IVF, but sometimes things just catch you off guard.

A girl at church recently had a baby and hadn't been back yet so alot of people hadn't seen her in weeks and had never seen the baby. My mom was kind enough to text me this morning to give me a heads-up she heard they were coming this morning. I thanked her for telling me and we decided to not arrive super early so we wouldn't get caught in all the oohing and aahing over said baby. It's not like I didn't know it was coming, but it's still hard.

I guess I should give you the back story on this too, this girl was once my very best friend.

We've known each other since we were about 7 and grown up together. We had our times growing up when we weren't close but we've always been a part of each others lives. We went to high school together, played basketball and volleyball together, graduated together and were both in each others weddings.

Our lives have taken slightly different paths, she got married two weeks after we graduated while I had just started dating someone (who is now my husband). By the time I got married she already had one little boy. We decided to wait before having kids and by then she had baby #2. We were never really sharing the same life experiences after H.S. but we go to the same church and stayed close.

She is not aware of the details of our struggle with IF but obviously knows of our desire to have children. We had been ttc for nearly a year when she announced she was pregnant with baby #3 (summer '08). I remember being so excited at the time (and so naive) and thinking how much fun it would be for us to be pregnant together. But as we all know, that never happened.

When my little sister announced in March of '10 that she was pregnant she did what a good friend should do - asked me out to dinner to see how I was doing. We talked and cried for several hours as I poured out my heart as to how I felt. How hurtful it was that we had been trying for over 2.5 years and now my little sister was pregnant before me. I remember even telling her that night how sometimes I wished I could pick up her adorable little baby and just pretend that he was mine. Trying to convey to her the hurt that it caused every time someone else so easily got pregnant.

The interesting thing about this dinner was the fact that our relationship was never the same again. Maybe I was too honest with her. I looked at it like she could never figure out how to be friends with my sister and me at the same time. She had her three kids and now my sister was pregnant, of course she'd want to be happy for the little pregnant girl! We talked less and less, we got together less and less.

When we got pregnant after IVF #1 (January '11) I made an attempt to include her. Before we made a big announcement to everyone else, I called her and personally told her the news myself. Of course she was ecstatic and for a few weeks we were "close" again.

Those precious weeks were shortlived as we miscarried shortly after that. The thing that bothered me the most was that 99% of those people who jumped on our happy pregnant bandwagon were no where to be found. Including her. Don't get me wrong, she dropped off a card a few days later but it happened to be when I wasn't home. My mom had talked me into getting out of the house for a few hours so I wasn't there. I called her when I got home and got her voicemail and then I text her as well to say thank you. And that was the end of our conversation.

I had the sneaking suspicion that they were "trying" again too but I didn't think too much of it, I had enough of my own stuff to worry about. I should've paid more attention to that suspicion... One day in June while I was at work, I got an email from her. I can't recall all of it right now but she wanted me to hear it from her that they were pregnant again. Maybe I shouldn't have been surprised but what really bothered me was the fact that a girl who was once my best friend emailed me this news. At work, in the middle of the day and now I have to go on with the rest of my day like nothing's wrong. Not just that, but we live on the same street, exactly six houses apart - I'm a realtor and sold her the house. Why couldn't she have walked down the street and come to my house to tell me face to face, friend to friend?

The ensuing email responses pretty much told her how I felt about that and also alot of other stuff that had happened over the last several years. I was probably a little more blunt than what I should've been in those emails but it's how I felt.

Anyways, that baby arrived on January 25 and I saw him for the first time today. Of course he is beautiful and perfect. It wasn't easy, but I made myself go over and see him after service was over. I had to get it over with and I knew people would be watching to see if we did.

It's just really hard to see a baby that little and put a face with what we're missing. It's hard to see that "friend" who now has two little boys that have both been born since we've been ttc and yet our arms are still empty. It was hard to hear everyone's comments about this little boy, their 4th, while we're still waiting to experience it once.

But I guess there's nothing easy about IF, we all know that. Today was just one of those days it got to me a little more. But today is also a day that makes me happy that I started this blog. That I can share these feelings and emotions with wonderful women who truly understand them. That I can take the time to work through them, write them down and be lucky enough to have the support of other women who have been in similar situations.

So to all of you out there, thank you. For taking the time to be there for someone you've never met and joining hands as we all trek through these uncharted waters together.

Socks from Finland

Several weeks ago, Cristy at Searching For Our Silver Lining organized a sock exchange and I signed up! I was paired up with a blogger I wasn't familiar with but was excited to get in touch with someone new. In turn I've started following JustHeather over at BattleFish and I'm so glad that we've "met".

After we exchanged info, I found out she lived in Finland! So neat! I live in plain 'ole Ohio! :)

I just received the socks that she sent and I love them! They're even made in Finland!

She also sent me the cutest little angel charm that she made. I'm trying to find a place to put it so that every time I see it I think of her and all of you ladies that I've gotten to know over the last few months. Maybe in my car, then I'll have you guys with me everywhere I go and especially on my drive to the RE's office!

I'm really glad that I've gotten to know such wonderful people even through our shared difficulties. Somedays we're able to make it through because we know we have someone to share it and walk through it with us.

Thanks again JustHeather, I love them!!

This and That

First off, thank you to all of you ladies who commented on my letter to family and friends. Your thoughts and feedback really helps as I'm putting the finishing touches on this letter.

I guess I should've clarified that our immediate family knows of our struggles, infertility and IVF(s). Both sets of parents, my brother (wife), sister (husband) and a few close friends know what we're going through. But that's about it. I wrote the letter with our extended family and friends in mind; aunts, uncles, cousins, other friends, etc. There are probably about 50 people on the e-mail so far. I may add some more personal/ emotion to it but this is going to so many different people I have to be careful.

I'm really not sure what I expect from sending this letter. There will be a few who read it and do nothing. Others will talk about it amongst themselves, and I'll probably hear from some of the remainder. But maybe this letter isn't at all about their response. Maybe it's simply about us - taking the next step, pulling the curtain back and saying here's what we're facing. Putting a face to this disease and creating awareness.

In the last several years, I've struggled with being angry at people who seemed to ignore everything we're going through. Maybe some of the blame lies with me for being so private and not sharing more of our story. Either way, it's made me more sensitive to things that people around me are going through. I remember being conflicted after getting pregnant last year (IVF #1) and thinking "all these people are here now and genuinely happy for us. But where were they when we needed them most?" That same crowd quickly dissipated after our miscarriage, mom says it's because people don't know what to do... my response is "try something!"

My sister knows my feelings about all of this and sent me this quote the other day:

"If you're absent during my struggle, don't expect to be present during my success."

I can't say it any better than that. There are alot of you out there who have/ are experiencing the same thing. I think that may be some of push behind this letter, I want and need people behind me during all of this. If there are people out there who can read that letter and still be absent from this part of my life, I know where that relationship is going. This is me, opening the door and saying "Come on in!" and I'm sure some will. But if others choose to continue standing on the porch, all I have to do is shut the door. How they respond is out of my control.

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On another note, we are officially in IVF #2! We went in for bloodwork Saturday and also got all of our meds ordered. I've been so excited about starting again but on the way to Dr. A's office I got really emotional. The last time I walked in his office was the worst day of my life. We hadn't been there since the miscarriage. We had a consultation with him the week after but at a small satellite office.

When we sat down with a nurse to order our meds and go over the treatment plan I started feeling better. We're IVF with ICSI again but with a little addition to the stims. She was an angel and explained everything so well, but then sat and answered our questions and talked with us like friends. She didn't ignore our loss and that we were so close last time and that they would work even harder to make it happen this time. Things like that make me remember we're at the right place.

For our last cycle, all of the meds were ordered from Wal greens Specialty Pharm. Since then, they've found a new pharmacy in Europe (London) and the stims are considerably cheaper! For any of you with IVF coming up, ask your doctor about IVFmeds(dot)com. I know for us it's a savings of almost $1,000 between the Menopur and Bravelle! That's always a nice surprise!

We don't start any injections until the 27th so we're in the waiting stage (again!).





A letter to family and friends

Below is a letter that I've written to send out to family and some friends to share our struggle. DH ("J") has not read this letter yet, but he seems hesitant about sending it out. I thought I would post it on here to get some feedback from some friends. After 4.5 years, I'm tired of struggling in silence and dealing with this, for the most part, alone. For me, it's time to speak up and do something. I know that there are so many other couples out there struggling through this awful battle and maybe our story can help them. I may tweak it a little still but let me know what you think.

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To our family and friends – It’s no secret that J and I have wanted to start a family for some time now. We’ve never really shared a lot about it because it is such a private thing. However, maybe by saying something it will prevent this disease from being in the shadows forever. Chances are that with infertility affecting 1 in 6 American couples, you know more people than just us who have been touched by it. Maybe our story will educate one person so they realize they are not alone. Maybe it will educate another person so they can reach out to someone they know and not be afraid to help them on their journey. Maybe awareness and making a difference starts with us…

We became pregnant with our first child after a successful in vitro (IVF) procedure. While we never got to hold that child, we believe that we will be able to one day. And while that gives us hope, our hearts are still broken by that loss and the fact that our arms are still empty here. Most of you probably have no reason to know a whole lot about the IVF process except the crazy news stories that surface every once in a while. Those extreme stories are also very far from what most couples truly face. But before you make a judgment call and say “I would never…” take a good like at your own children or grandchildren. Now, try to imagine your life without them. And even if you didn’t have to, aren’t they worth moving heaven and earth for if it was in your power to do so? Sadly, for 1 in 6 American couples, it takes those measures to bring our children into this world. We haven’t rushed into these decisions or taken them lightly, and we’ve shed a lot of tears and said a lot of prayers.

We will be pursuing another IVF procedure at some point this year. If you have sincere questions, we’d be happy to answer what we can. If you do not agree with our choices, that is fine as well; but keep in mind we’re not asking for anyone’s approval. We do not plan to share the exact timeline of it as we would like to maintain a little privacy. But we do ask for your love, your support and your prayers during this challenging time in our lives. Take a minute if you would to check out this link www.tearsandhope.com. We hope that it will help you better understand our struggle and our dreams.

A Discount to Pass Along

Hey ladies - this is a new thing for me but I've heard so many of you talk about Circle and Bloom that I had to check it out. I'm still not sure about how all of it works but it can't hurt to try it, right? I could certainly use some relaxation and some positive thinking!

So, in my researching it I came across a discount code that I believe is good through the end of the year. Just enter HOLIDAY35 at checkout for 35% off any product! The IVF/ IUI one is normally $59.99 for download and it came down to $38.99 with the discount.

If anybody has ever done it before let me know... although I already bought it so if you didn't like it it's too late to warn me! :-) But seriously, let me know your thoughts about it if you've used it. And if you haven't... check it out... especially with 35% off!

I can't keep up my normal workout (which I love) after the first of the year when we start IVF so I also bought Strong Yoga for Fertility. Didn't find a discount on that one though. Anybody tried that one? I've never done yoga but I have friends who love it. Again, a little quiet relaxation and postivity certainly can't hurt!

Just wanted to pass this along to you girls... best wishes!!

Doing Our Part

Hey Ladies - not sure how many of you have checked out Resolve's website but it is a wonderful place to find information on infertility, treatment, coping, etc. They also do some political action type stuff and largely due to their efforts, a bill has been introduced to the House and the Senate known as the Family Act of 2011. Now before I lose you, I'm not getting all "political" on you! Check this out:

Key provisions of the House and Senate bill:

• The Family Act covers the out-of-pocket costs associated with in vitro fertilization (IVF) including diagnostic tests, laboratory charges, professional charges, and medications for IVF.
• The Family Act covers the out-of-pocket costs of fertility preservation procedures if the man or woman is diagnosed with cancer and the cancer treatment or disease itself may result in infertility.
• The Family Act has a cost sharing provision allowing 50% of all applicable medical expenses to be  covered up to a lifetime maximum of $13,360. You would need to have out-of-pocket costs totaling $26,720 to claim the entire credit in your lifetime.
• If you do not owe taxes in a particular year, do not owe enough taxes to use the whole credit, or do not reach the max amount in one tax year, it carries over to the next year for a max of five years after the first year you use the credit. 
• The Family Act is available to couples filing jointly with adjusted gross incomes of less than $222,520, but the credit is smaller for those earning between $182,500 and $222,520. 

Now if you're like us, this would make a serious difference in your lives! With absolutely no insurance coverage for IVF, we have paid completely out of pocket, as I'm sure alot of you have. If you click on this link Family Act of 2011 you can send a letter to your Congressmen and Senators, all through their website and it only takes about 5 minutes! Don't wait on someone else to do it! If we all do our part we can begin to change things!

It starts with us!

A Beautiful Evening

Last night DH and I were part of a beautiful evening to honor the child we lost. We are part of a group known as HEAL (Helping Endure A Loss) and they held their annual tree lighting ceremony last night. First off, let me say that the lady who runs the organization is an angel. She had a son who was born sleeping over 25 years ago and has started this group to help others through the most awful time in their life. The group is open to anyone who has experienced a miscarriage, neonatal death, infant loss, etc.

Registration began at 6:30 but when we arrived, the church was packed. If I ventured a guess, I would say there were close to 500 people there! What an amazing event! If you had RSVP'd, which we did, there were Christmas ornament personalized with your babies name as well as a small gift bag for each family. Each person's story was different but for one night we came together to honor our children and tell the world that they matter and have forever changed our lives.

Each child's name was read and the parents came forward, lit a candle and then placed their ornament on a gorgeous Christmas tree. At the end of the reading, the tree was illuminated and it was absolutely splendid! I've got pictures that I promise I'll post (hopefully later today).

My family went with us to show their support, it was so nice to have them there with us. There were siblings, grandparents and friends who came out to stand arm in arm with their loved ones as they honored the children that we lost too soon.

What an amazing event that in the middle of this Holiday Season that can be so tough, we found some comfort, some peace and some "validation" in these losses that so few people can understand.

The courage of one woman to start an organiztion such as this one to help others through their grief is absolutely amazing. Not all of us will do something of that magnitude, but it goes to show that if we're willing to do something we never know the difference we can make in someone's life.

I wish you could have all been there with us last night and I pray that you find something that brings you some comfort this Holiday Season!

My First ICLW

So I'm still pretty new to the whole blogging world and this is my first ICLW... I love it!

It's so nice to be able to connect with other women in this community, share our stories and in turn, hopefully bring a little encouragement to each others lives. I've been so busy trying to comment and find new blogs to follow that I hadn't taken the time to post myself!

When I finally decided to start a blog, my original intention was to send a link to some friends and family members and use it as a tool to tell them about what we had been through. Very few know the details of our situation, and even fewer know that we did IVF. The more I thought about it, I didn't send that link out because I knew I would forever have to be careful and censor what I wrote on here.

After my first couple of posts, I quickly realized that this would be an avenue for me to express my true feelings. As I started getting my first comments I understood how powerful this could become. For me, blogging was not about telling family and friends our story, that can come later. This is about community. It's those of us who are part of a club we never would've asked to join, but trying to make the best of it anyway. We don't even like the criteria for membership, but the shoe fits. Sharing our feelings, the good days and the bad, and reaching out to those around us to lend a helping hand through a difficult time in their lives.

I've realized through my own journey that no matter where you are in life, there is always someone out there who can use your help. Be ready. Listen. Support. Care. Reach out. Be the person for someone else that you need someone to be for you... it will come back around.

Thanks to all of you who have visited my blog and those who have commented. It's already making a difference in my life after only a few short weeks.