Hard to do...

I know I've shared before that my little sister is pregnant with baby #2 and as hard as that is, it brought up another dilemma recently.

You see, we started our first IVF cycle in November of last year and that's the same month my nephew was born. My sister has always been very supportive of us and our decision and was excited for us. When we got our BFP on January 3 she was ecstatic right along with us! She quickly offered to let me borrow her maternity clothes, pregnancy books, body pillow, etc. I remember having a little twinge of something (maybe jealousy) because I should've experienced all this before her. But still, it was so fun to finally be having these types of conversations and sharing this with her.

Within the next few days I had everything laid out on the bed in the spare bedroom, the soon to be nursery, and was so excited at the thought of what was ahead. The cute little t-shirts and dresses... I was going to be so proud wearing all this stuff. I did get some use out of the "belly band" because some of my jeans got a little snug. I immediately started reading several of the books she gave me and tracked our baby's progress daily.

Sadly, I never got to wear those maternity clothes. On February 22, just two days shy of 12 weeks, our world changed forever. Unable to even go in that room for quite some time, those clothes continued to lay there... for quite a while. My sweet hubby cleaned up some stuff that had piled up in there, but I couldn't bring myself to even look at those clothes. They stared at me like a ghost of what should have been. They haunted me.

I really don't remember how long they sat there before one day while I was home by myself, I went in that room and in between sobs, I just threw everything into plastic bags and shoved it all into the top of the closet. "I'll need it again one day." That was no comfort at all then but as the months passed, I could begin to see myself in those clothes one day.

That was, until October 9. The day that little sis told me she was pregnant. Again. I cried, just like the first time she got pregnant. I had no idea they were even trying for #2 and now she's pregnant?! She cried too and apologized because it all just happened so quick...! Really? I'm sorry that good things like pregancy happen so quick... we've been on this road 4.5 years... nothing quick about that! I know she just didn't really know what to say... no one does. And there's nothing in me that would wish any of this on anyone, let alone my sister.

Within the same day that she told me, my mind drifted back to those clothes hiding in the shadows of my closet and it hit me, "She's going to need those clothes back before I ever get to wear them." And it was like someone kicked me in the stomach all over again. I never thought about that happening. Or maybe I just never let myself go there...

I mentioned it to my mom one time thinking maybe she'd offer to come get them but she never mentioned it again. I haven't had a conversation with my sister about them, I couldn't. So those clothes have continued to haunt me from their perch in the closet. But I knew I couldn't wait for her to ask for them back, I couldn't handle that discussion.

Every time I thought I could muster a little courage and deal with it, I would wimp out. Until yesterday on my way home from work it hit me... "I'm taking those clothes over to mom's and then sis can pick them up from there." I came home, grabbed them all in one big armload and threw them in the trunk. I didn't even stop to really think about what I was doing or I would've wimped out again.

I visited my mom for a while and then told her that I brought all those clothes over and sis could just pick them up from her house. "I won't be needing them," I said. To which she replied, "Yet." What I really wanted to say is that I never imagined she'd need them back before I ever got to use them, but I didn't. Why couldn't I just say that? I probably would've started crying but who cares? I have a bad habit of censoring what I'm really feeling, even if it's when talking to someone close to me.

My mom keeps telling me that I need to try and focus on myself and not on what's going on with other people. While I understand there's some truth in that, it's hard to completely ignore everything around you... I'm excited for what's ahead for DH and I, but there is grief and extreme sadness to deal with on a daily basis too. Of course it bothers me that sis is pregnant again but more than jealousy, it's bitter sadness for us and our empty arms. I don't want her babies, I want mine.

She made the big announcement on FB yesterday (a friend called and told me, I deleted my account over a year ago) and it just breaks my heart. How many people will contact us just to say they're thinking of us? My guess... very few, if any. Don't they understand they can be happy for her and sad for us at the same time? It's hard when our lives are so intertwined with alot of the same people. I feel like there's very few people I can share my true feelings with because they know her too.

This whole ride is just so emotionally draining. So thankful I have this outlet and new found friends that I can share with... and you guys get it.