Soul Searching

Not sure even how to begin this post... maybe that's the reason behind my unplanned hiatus from blogging - I can't put more than one thought into some coherent order.

The last few weeks rocked us more than I dreamed they would. Of course, we all know heading into treatment that this may not work. However, I feel that you have to get to the best place you can mentally prior to beginning a cycle. Everyone's "best place mentally" may be different than someone elses yet it doesn't make one right and the other wrong - this whole path is so personal.

Looking back I feel that we did everything we could to ensure that this cycle could work. That it WOULD work. Last summer I joined a gym to do my part and get my body ready for IVF in January, and I was dedicated three times a week. No caffeine, started prenatals again - all months before our cycle even started. They were things that I could control. We see arguably the best RE in our area, great success rates, wonderful staff, etc. Again more things we could control.

However, when it comes down to it, I realize that there is very little about this process that we have ANY control over. The best diet, workout routine, protocol or RE can't give us any guarantee for the outcome that lies ahead of us. Don't get me wrong, I still feel these things are important, but small pieces of an ever complex puzzle.

I've spent the last few weeks digging for answers, for support. I've had dinner with friends, went back to HEAL (the support group we became a part of after our miscarriage), e-mailed an acquaintance about her IVF journey, researched online and anything else I could think of to try and clear my head of all these questions. While I haven't uncovered a miraculous nugget of truth, yet, I have gained support and direction.

At the prompting of some friends and our own thoughts, we've decided to get a second opionion from another RE. We don't have plans to switch doctors, just simply to see if he finds something we've missed. The nagging question over the last few weeks is have we been so focused on the known MFI issue that we've missed something else? According to my RE and what I can find medically, the miscarriage and the chemical pregnancy are "unrelated". But after two textbook IVF cycles, good fertilization rates with ICSI, quality embryos and smooth transfers, we're still falling on the wrong side of the statistics. I need to really know that these two things are "unrelated" before moving into an FET with our precious two embabies. We've got an appointment this coming Wednesday for a consultation with the new doctor. He also does acupuncture in his practice so maybe that's something to look into as well.

I've taken time recently to exchange e-mails with a family acquaintance who now lives in another state about their IVF journey - 6 IUI rounds, 1st IVF/ICSI transferred 2 (pregnant with twins, miscarried at 8 weeks) followed by a FET with early miscarriage/chem pregnancy. The e-mail I received back was one of the most beautiful things I've EVER read and was an amazing view of this journey. I cried reading it, and cried as I re-read it for the second and third times. There were parts of it that were hard to read. Let me share a few things that she wrote:

"During the process, I tried to be “open” to the message that this was giving me—I wondered whether it was supposed to mean that we should adopt and even discussed special needs kids given my professional background…and eventually what came to me was that I needed to learn patience and give up control over everything, trust others, have faith, accept help from others.  I think the journey can teach us each the lesson WE need.  Maybe your lesson is knowing when to give up or maybe it is when to persist in the face of defeat…you and Jeff can only answer that—and you may each have different answers.  That doesn’t mean one is right—you’ll just have to find a way to work through it."

Wow. I don't know that I've been very open to any lessons along the way. But sometimes we can't see those lessons while we're in them, we only see them when looking back on them. Something I realized when I read this part of her e-mail:



 "I can’t even name the ways in which the process changed me—it made me more appreciative of my friends, smiling strangers, it gave me a perspective on what grief and hopelessness really feels like, it makes me think twice when someone is snappy with me because I realize they might be in personal pain.  I love my kids a little deeper, I know what it feels like to love a doctor for the life they have given you and even the small moments of compassion they provided when we needed it.  It taught me to be an advocate for my health and my children’s health, it taught me what I really wanted in life and what I was willing to sacrifice to get it.  It brought people into my life that otherwise wouldn’t have.  It made me truly believe that small moments change your life—deciding for M to take a job in Cincinnati where we had IVF coverage (at a time when it was unusual and didn’t even consider it) and to Dr. A and ultimately to a world renowned high risk OB unit that allowed the trips to be born healthy…When a new acquaintance mentioned she had struggled with infertility and ultimately she directed me towards Dr. A… my best friend from HS offering to be a surrogate—something that makes me cry even now as I type it because it’s one of the most selfless gestures I have ever received.  It’s not that I am glad I went through the process because it was soooooooo hard and terrifying and sad—but besides having a healthy and loving family, I also received so much more from it.  Know that you are growing and stretching in a way that is necessary and good, even when it feels like you are making no forward progress.  It will be years or decades maybe before you can see it with perspective, but try to appreciate the little moments of grace as they are presented to you."

I don't know if those words affected you like they did me but this whole journey is taking on a new perspective for me lately. No, I don't like it and wouldn't have chosen it. Nor do I enjoy the strain it's put on my marriage and other relationships. But I can look back and see those special people that have come into my life and heart as a result of this path.

A friend I had known for years introduced me to a friend of hers also struggling through IF. That girl, H, has since become my closest friend and confidant. She and her husband had a failed IVF #1 right before Jeff and I did our first IVF and we've shared the ups and downs of this journey side-by-side. After the miscarriage we were introduced to a group here locally called HEAL that is a parent support group for families who've experienced miscarriage, neonatal death, infant loss, etc. I never saw myself going to something like that but it has been priceless for us. S, the lady who started the group is a nurse and had a son who was still born in 1988 and has since devoted her life to supporting and educating parents and also research to prevent these losses. Through her devastation, she has reached hundreds of families to help them through their darkest days - she has truly been an angel for us, very possibly one of the best people I've ever met. Through that group, we've met several other couples that we're becoming good friends with. I think once you've shared the darkest or hardest parts of your life with someone, everything else comes so easily. Another girl I've recently met through my sister and now they are scheduled for a consultation with Dr. S (at the clinic we go to) in the next few weeks about surrogacy. I also would never have "met" such wonderful people through blogging, and I count you guys in that group of special people as well.

I'm not sure that any of this flows together the way I would like it to, but I wanted to get some of those thoughts out and share them with you. Of course I'm not saying that everything is wonderful for us right now - we still have alot of rough moments and rough days. We're not out of the woods yet. But I wanted to share what was on my mind and heart.

I've got alot of catching up to do on everyone's blogs - I feel like an awful friend for being on hiatus for so long. I'm sure I've missed alot. Stick with me as I get back into the swing of things. I'll try not to fall off the planet again.



It's Official... BFN

I got the call pretty early this afternoon and my hcg level is down to two. That's it... it's over. I'm still having a hard time processing all of this. It's not supposed to be this hard.

The nurse that called was fine but just not the friendliest nurse either... of course I was obviously on edge too. She gave me the news, answered some of my questions about the cycle and an FET but said that we would need to start meds today for an FET since my period had started on Friday. That totally threw me off as I didn't think about it being that quick!!

After we hung up and Jeff and I talked, we both felt we wanted to talk to Dr. A before making a decision. So I called back, left a message that we had some questions and would like to talk to him. Don't you know the same nurse called me back?! Asked me what questions I had and she would try and answer them. Ugh! I just wanted to talk to my doctor. He was working from another location today and she said he wouldn't be able to call me back until tomorrow. I pressed her on it because I wanted to talk to him first and she said we needed to start meds tonight if we were moving forward. She then said it would "probably" be ok to wait on meds until tomorrow.

That did it for me. I said "With all the money we've spent with you guys and the money we're getting ready to spend, I'm not ok making a decision like this on 'probably'. I'm not trying to be rude and I know I'm emotional but I would think I'd be able to talk to my doctor for something like this." I think that's about the time I started crying and she seemed to soften up a little and said she'd be sure he called me today. She then became very helpful!

So, here's the info I got after my RE called me this evening:

He feels implantation did occur since we did have a slightly positive number. I'm sure it was higher a few days prior to the first beta since my period had already started by then. They classify it as a bio-chemical pregnancy which is what I thought happened based on how I felt last week and then the ensuing heavy bleeding (which he said was a good sign of implantation).

I asked his thoughts on moving immediately into our FET versus waiting a month and he said it was personal preference. They don't feel that one is better or more successful than the other, whatever we prefer.

We have two frozen embryos (blasts) and he said with an FET they would probably thaw both and transfer both if they both make it.

At this point we've had a successful IVF #1 followed by a miscarriage and a chemical after IVF #2. So of course I asked the question, is there something going on with me that we need to look into in more detail? I don't necessarily feel like there is but I had to ask. Our only known issue is MFI which we've overcome with the help of ICSI and resulting in perfectly "normal" embryos. He doesn't feel that there's an issue like that either, maybe based on how my body has responded to both cycles and my hormone levels, etc. Don't get me wrong, I certainly don't want another issue on top of this but at this point I just want some answers.

Jeff and I talked over the weekend about all of these questions and how soon we should look at an FET, since we basically already knew the results of this cycle. He felt we should go right into it but after more discussion tonight, I think we're going to give it a month in between. It's just too quick to go right back at it.

I don't think this has even completly sunk in for us yet and I'm not sure when it will. It seems surreal and like we're on the outside looking in at our lives with no control of any of it. The last few days have been a blur as we started to grieve but tried to hang on to hope as long as we could. It's been a weird mix of emotions these few days.

Just a month to clear our heads and take a little pressure off. We have a 4 day trip coming up in April and if we moved forward with an FET now, we would be due to get results during that trip. Neither one of us care to even cancel that trip completely but I think we need it. Some time for just the two of us to get away from it all, enjoy each other and have some fun.

We're still trying to wrap our heads around the whirlwind of the last few months and give our broken hearts a chance to heal up a little more before putting them out there one more time...

Beta = 11

Eleven. That's our beta # at 11dp5dt.

If you read my last post you know that some spotting started Friday morning and then let up. By Friday afternoon it was full on and I knew something was wrong. I called the nurse back and asked to go ahead with a blood test on Saturday instead of waiting until Monday. She agreed and set up the appointment for Saturday morning.

She called a few hours later and delivered the news. It came back with a low positive. 11.

It was news I was expecting at that point but "a low positive?"... what does that mean?! Does it mean that 3 days ago I was pregnant and now I'm not? I asked the nurse what it meant and she said it sounds like something (Zoom) tried to implant and take off but didn't make it.

I honestly haven't cried much because I'm still in shock with the whole thing. If I'm honest I've just been angry. I wasn't even crying writing this post until I typed our little nickname, Zoom.

The nurse told me to continue taking my Endometrin through Monday, just to be safe, because we "can't give up all hope yet." Of course I'm following those orders but I feel like I'm being strung along. Not by my doctor's office, I know this is out of their control, but by hope. That's the word that's kept us going over the last few years. The middle name we wanted to use if we had a little girl after IVF #1. The word I have tattooed on my left foot. But I don't know how much hope I have left.

They still want me to come back in on Monday for another beta to be sure what that number is doing. I'm not expecting much as it would take a miracle to change things now. Honestly I'm just scared that something else is going on and would require a D&C. I haven't even spoken of those fears to Jeff or anyone else. I don't want him to worry about it.

Based on the amount of bleeding I'm having, I don't think I need to worry about it. My periods are normally very light and this is anything but that.

I'm not sure where to go from here. Jeff and I have dealt with loss and grief before and we'll make it, but it's never easy. We deal with things so differently, but I think most couples are like that. I could stay on the couch and be angry, sad or whatever other emotion comes at the time while Jeff can't be cooped up that long. He just left to go for a drive just to get out of the house for a while and clear his head. I'm glad that we realize and respect our differences though.

I just don't know what I'm grieving at this point... a failed cycle, a chemical pregnancy... but maybe it doesn't matter. So many of us have grieved alot of different things and our grief is still valid. It could be a different scenario than someone else but the pain is no less real. That's what I love about this community.

I'll update again with our results tomorrow and hopefully we have more information.

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This post wouldn't be complete though without a HUGE shout-out of congratulations to two of my cycle sisters who just got their BFP's!!!

Rachel at A Sarti Party (she does not have this info on her blog but you can email to congratulate her!)

Joys Truly at Gonna Do It For Baby 

I am truly happy for both of you ladies! I'm glad we've gotten to know each other through blogging and I'll still be following along. Live it up!! xoxo

In Honor of ICLW

I've been thinking over the last few weeks and wondering why I never used my real name on my blog and instead set it as "Still Hoping." I keep meaning to go back and change it but never had, until today!

I've also never posted any pictures of hubby and I but I think he's pretty cute so I will share him with you ladies too!

Let me introduce you to us... Jeff and Lora!

This is a vacation pic from fall 2010 in Orlando in front of Landry's Seafood.

This is a pic from last summer at a friends party.

So now you've met us! I've changed my "name" to Lora instead of "Still Hoping" but I'll keep my profile picture the same so you'll remember who I am. :)

For those of you stopping by for the first time, here's a little bit about our journey:

* We have been ttc for 4.5 years

* Got our BFP after IVF #1 on January 3rd, 2011

* Suffered a miscarriage on February 22nd, 2011

* Started IVF #2 in January

* Trigger shot tonight

* Retrieval on Thursday

* Transfer on Sunday or Tuesday (3 day vs 5 day)

Some random facts (because I love random stuff):

* I have one tattoo on my foot that I got a few weeks after our miscarriage and my best friend got one that matches. We're linked forever! (I got it touched up a few weeks ago before we get pregnant from this IVF!)

* I'm a huge Cincinnati Reds fan. My dad used to take me to games and now I take him when I can.

* Hubby is a motorhead and loves classic cars. He has a '52 Chevy in the garage while the cars we actually drive sit out in the weather.

* I started college to head into Physical Therapy but now I'm in Real Estate.

* We live in a small town where I grew up at, Jeff is from this area too. 

* We go to the small church that I grew up in, my family goes there too.

* Until I was in Junior High, my hair was really long, long enough that I could sit on it. As you can see from the pictures I went the opposite direction!

* We love to go camping and boating during the summer.

* We got married when I was 20 and Jeff was 22, young, I know. We are now 28 and 30.

* We are hanging on to hope and each other as we pursue our dream of children!

Thanks for stopping by, looking forward to getting to know more of you better during this week!

A few more days

Had another u/s and bloodwork Friday morning. Looks like we've got about 5 on each side right now, some still a little small. So, we're stimming a few more days and then another u/s on Monday morning and probably triggering Monday night for a Wednesday retrieval. Which actually works out better so hubby and I will only have to take one day off next week since the transfer will be Saturday.

It also means that our retrieval will in fact land on a very special, yet emotional day for us. I still feel pretty much the same about this as I did when I realized a few weeks ago that this was a possibility. It's as if things have come full circle and this was meant to be.

I am a little sad because I found out that my doctor, Dr. A, is out ALL next week at a conference! So, he won't be there for my retrieval and I doubt he'll be working Saturday for the transfer. I'm kind of disappointed because I really like him and we're comfortable with him. But we've met both of the other doctors, they're both very nice and also very good so I know we're in good hands with either one of them.

I do have some questions... We switched to stims 6 days into this cycle, stimming for 11, trigger on day 17, retrieval on day 19, transfer on day 22... so I'm a little confused on how this all works since the transfer will be pretty late in my cycle. I would be due to start my period a week after transfer. With IVF #1, we transferred several days earlier in the cycle. Has anyone ever transferred late too? Or had some spotting and still been pregnant? Any info on your experiences would be great!

This afternoon I went in again for another massage and it was wonderful. Again, I have no idea that this will increase chances of conception, but it certainly was nice and relaxing which we can all certainly use! That hour went by way too fast!

Hoping that you are all enjoying this weekend. As always, thanks for taking the time to stop by and for sharing your thoughts!

And Here Come the Stims

My appointment with Dr A Wednesday morning went well, just a quick u/s to make sure the Lup.ron was effective and that the ovaries were "quiet". He said everything looked really good and had us switch from Lup.ron to stims on Thursday.

He was so sweet when he came in, asked how I was feeling and said it was good to see me again. He's always so comforting to talk to. He said how sorry he was about last time, that it was heart-breaking, and he wanted to be sure it worked this time. As awful as the miscarriage was, I was glad that he didn't ignore the elephant in the room.  It's a part of us and a part of our story.

Last cycle we were just on Bra.velle, this time we're on a combination of that and Men.opur. Higher dosages as well. My hat's off to any of you ladies out there who can give these shots to yourselves. Wow! I can barely sit still while hubby does it, I forgot how bad those suckers burn! I am excited that our RE switched things up a little this cycle, hoping to get more eggs and more mature eggs.

I've got an appoinment Monday morning for another u/s and bloodwork to see how the follicles are growing. My RE has a satellite office that's only about 20 minutes from me but he won't be at that location on Monday, he'll be downtown (about 45 minutes). They probably think I'm crazy because I asked to go downtown Monday just since he's there. But I figure with everything we're doing to make this work, I'm going to see him if I can! Even if it's just to make me more comfortable.

Hubby seems a little stressed this week, they've been swamped at work and he has to work again tomorrow. He'll have about 60 hours in this week. Sure the o/t is nice on the paycheck but it's running him down. As if we don't have enough going on already! Yesterday he was a little short when we were getting our shot ready and I got kind of upset. I know alot of that is just the hormones but it bothered me. He noticed and apologized and said that he was just really sorry that we had to go through all this again and that I had to endure all these shots. Sometimes I still get little glimpses of how MFI is affecting him, I just wish I could make it better. I want to be able to give that to him.

We're hoping and praying that this cycle is the answer. That this is the beginning of realizing our dreams. It just has to be.

Sorting Out My Thoughts

After one week on Lup.ron, AF showed up yesterday. I don't know if this is the same for everyone but our instructions were 10 units of Lup.ron for two weeks or until AF showed up, whichever happens first. I called yesterday to report the start of my cycle and thought I would have to go in today or Monday for bloodwork and an ultrasound. The nurse said I could come in any day between Monday and Wednesday as they wouldn't be switching me to stims until Thursday anyway. I thought that was interesting, I think we switched to stims a little earlier with IVF #1.

I'll be sure to ask what the difference is when I go in on Wednesday. I know he said they were trying a little different protocol this time around, maybe this is part of it along with a little change in the stims from last time. IVF #1 we only had seven eggs retrieved, six fertilized but we got pregnant. I'm hoping for more eggs this time. Well, let's be honest... we're just hoping for a bring-home baby this time.

Which brings me to my next thought in this process; I knew that this IVF would overlap the time we were pregnant last year. Which also meant it would be close to the date of our miscarriage. The way I had it figured up, February 22 would fall sometime during our 2ww. But since we're not starting stims until February 9, we may be doing a retrieval or transfer right around February 22. That brings up some mixed emotions for me... sadness for what we lost, excitement for what we have to gain, etc.

Could the worst day of our lives suddenly become one of the best too? I'm not upset about this possibility, just a little confused. Through this whole process I feel like our baby is watching over us; maybe even helping us along this road. Maybe that sounds crazy, but it's the way I feel. That baby will forever be a part of our lives and our story.

Even though part of me is confused about all of this, there's a part of me that finds it interesting, like it was meant to be. I wouldn't necessarily "planned" it this way, I would've liked to done this a little sooner but it just didn't work out that way. I obviously realized and understood that February 22 was going to creep up on us during this cyle, the last of the anniversaries to make it through. I just didn't realize how close this all "could" be.

We've done what we can to honor our baby and to remember "her" (we didn't know what we were having, I just always think it was a girl). On September 8, what should've been our due date, we both took the day off work just to spend it together. We went to our local greenhouse and bought a dwarf weeping cherry tree and planted it in the middle of our flowerbeds at the front of our house. I think of her every day when I see it. We joined a support group in our community which became a HUGE part of our healing process. This group meets monthly and it really just an open forum for everyone to share their story and their child. Through that group we met some amazing families, some of which we've become friends with. In October, we attended this group's "Walk to Remember" which honored the lives among us that were gone too soon. In December, we joined in on the "Memory Tree Lighting" to honor our baby and the countless others represented by the hundreds of people who were there.

I guess what I'm trying to say (or convince myself of), is that we've made as much peace as we can with where we are. I wish I was holding a 5 month old in my arms today instead of writing this post, but I'm not. I wish I was changing a diaper instead of injecting shots every day, but I'm not. Maybe there's a point we all reach (somehow) where we decide that we've done all we can to honor those lives that we lost too soon and realize that we're moving forward. We're not forgetting and moving on, we're remembering and moving forward.

Looking at this now, I'm glad we didn't rush forward with another IVF before that baby's due date. Maybe that's right for some people but I don't think it was the right timing for us. Miss Conception mentioned this in her post on Thursday and as I was commenting on her post, I started thinking about our situation.

So this is where we are. If our retrieval or transfer lands on that day, I think I'll be ok with it. Sure it will hold mixed emotions, but I'll have to think that our baby is looking down on us knowing how much she is loved and also putting in a good word for us with her future sibling(s). Our angel will be with us through the whole thing.

This and That

First off, thank you to all of you ladies who commented on my letter to family and friends. Your thoughts and feedback really helps as I'm putting the finishing touches on this letter.

I guess I should've clarified that our immediate family knows of our struggles, infertility and IVF(s). Both sets of parents, my brother (wife), sister (husband) and a few close friends know what we're going through. But that's about it. I wrote the letter with our extended family and friends in mind; aunts, uncles, cousins, other friends, etc. There are probably about 50 people on the e-mail so far. I may add some more personal/ emotion to it but this is going to so many different people I have to be careful.

I'm really not sure what I expect from sending this letter. There will be a few who read it and do nothing. Others will talk about it amongst themselves, and I'll probably hear from some of the remainder. But maybe this letter isn't at all about their response. Maybe it's simply about us - taking the next step, pulling the curtain back and saying here's what we're facing. Putting a face to this disease and creating awareness.

In the last several years, I've struggled with being angry at people who seemed to ignore everything we're going through. Maybe some of the blame lies with me for being so private and not sharing more of our story. Either way, it's made me more sensitive to things that people around me are going through. I remember being conflicted after getting pregnant last year (IVF #1) and thinking "all these people are here now and genuinely happy for us. But where were they when we needed them most?" That same crowd quickly dissipated after our miscarriage, mom says it's because people don't know what to do... my response is "try something!"

My sister knows my feelings about all of this and sent me this quote the other day:

"If you're absent during my struggle, don't expect to be present during my success."

I can't say it any better than that. There are alot of you out there who have/ are experiencing the same thing. I think that may be some of push behind this letter, I want and need people behind me during all of this. If there are people out there who can read that letter and still be absent from this part of my life, I know where that relationship is going. This is me, opening the door and saying "Come on in!" and I'm sure some will. But if others choose to continue standing on the porch, all I have to do is shut the door. How they respond is out of my control.

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On another note, we are officially in IVF #2! We went in for bloodwork Saturday and also got all of our meds ordered. I've been so excited about starting again but on the way to Dr. A's office I got really emotional. The last time I walked in his office was the worst day of my life. We hadn't been there since the miscarriage. We had a consultation with him the week after but at a small satellite office.

When we sat down with a nurse to order our meds and go over the treatment plan I started feeling better. We're IVF with ICSI again but with a little addition to the stims. She was an angel and explained everything so well, but then sat and answered our questions and talked with us like friends. She didn't ignore our loss and that we were so close last time and that they would work even harder to make it happen this time. Things like that make me remember we're at the right place.

For our last cycle, all of the meds were ordered from Wal greens Specialty Pharm. Since then, they've found a new pharmacy in Europe (London) and the stims are considerably cheaper! For any of you with IVF coming up, ask your doctor about IVFmeds(dot)com. I know for us it's a savings of almost $1,000 between the Menopur and Bravelle! That's always a nice surprise!

We don't start any injections until the 27th so we're in the waiting stage (again!).





A letter to family and friends

Below is a letter that I've written to send out to family and some friends to share our struggle. DH ("J") has not read this letter yet, but he seems hesitant about sending it out. I thought I would post it on here to get some feedback from some friends. After 4.5 years, I'm tired of struggling in silence and dealing with this, for the most part, alone. For me, it's time to speak up and do something. I know that there are so many other couples out there struggling through this awful battle and maybe our story can help them. I may tweak it a little still but let me know what you think.

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To our family and friends – It’s no secret that J and I have wanted to start a family for some time now. We’ve never really shared a lot about it because it is such a private thing. However, maybe by saying something it will prevent this disease from being in the shadows forever. Chances are that with infertility affecting 1 in 6 American couples, you know more people than just us who have been touched by it. Maybe our story will educate one person so they realize they are not alone. Maybe it will educate another person so they can reach out to someone they know and not be afraid to help them on their journey. Maybe awareness and making a difference starts with us…

We became pregnant with our first child after a successful in vitro (IVF) procedure. While we never got to hold that child, we believe that we will be able to one day. And while that gives us hope, our hearts are still broken by that loss and the fact that our arms are still empty here. Most of you probably have no reason to know a whole lot about the IVF process except the crazy news stories that surface every once in a while. Those extreme stories are also very far from what most couples truly face. But before you make a judgment call and say “I would never…” take a good like at your own children or grandchildren. Now, try to imagine your life without them. And even if you didn’t have to, aren’t they worth moving heaven and earth for if it was in your power to do so? Sadly, for 1 in 6 American couples, it takes those measures to bring our children into this world. We haven’t rushed into these decisions or taken them lightly, and we’ve shed a lot of tears and said a lot of prayers.

We will be pursuing another IVF procedure at some point this year. If you have sincere questions, we’d be happy to answer what we can. If you do not agree with our choices, that is fine as well; but keep in mind we’re not asking for anyone’s approval. We do not plan to share the exact timeline of it as we would like to maintain a little privacy. But we do ask for your love, your support and your prayers during this challenging time in our lives. Take a minute if you would to check out this link www.tearsandhope.com. We hope that it will help you better understand our struggle and our dreams.

A Year Ago Today

What a difference a year makes...

A year ago today, after an IVF procedure that seemed to be picture perfect, we heard the most wonderful words we'd ever been told... "You're pregnant!"

We never imagined that one year later we would be embarking on our second IVF journey. I'm due to start my period on Wednesday and that will trigger the start of our cycle. I'm excited about starting again and the hope that it brings but I have mixed emotions especially because of the timing. I know they're just dates but you girls know that dates are linked closely to our emotions. This whole IVF cycle will cover the same dates that we were pregnant last year.

I'm sure that there will be days where this will be overwhelming but we feel that we're making the right decision. We can't change what has happened but at the same time, that baby will forever be a part of our lives. Miss Conception put it best when she said she hoped to meet her twins (Michael & Alena) sibling soon. That has stuck with me and helped me as we're moving forward. Our baby's sibling is out there and we're hoping to hold them soon.

I know there are alot of you ladies out there who will be cycling with us and I wish you all the best of luck. If I have one piece of advice after going through this once it would be to enjoy every single minute of it that you can. It's an emotional journey but it is wonderful and beautiful. I'm excited to have the opportunity to be doing it again and what the future might hold.

So thankful to have all of you by my side, and as close as my computer, this time around. In the few short months that I've been blogging, I can't put into words how special and helpful it is for me. I never imagined that I would feel so close to people that I've never met and that live states or even countries away from me.

Looking forward to your continued support and friendship and hoping that I can be there for alot of you as well. Here's to great things to come in 2012!!

Hard to do...

I know I've shared before that my little sister is pregnant with baby #2 and as hard as that is, it brought up another dilemma recently.

You see, we started our first IVF cycle in November of last year and that's the same month my nephew was born. My sister has always been very supportive of us and our decision and was excited for us. When we got our BFP on January 3 she was ecstatic right along with us! She quickly offered to let me borrow her maternity clothes, pregnancy books, body pillow, etc. I remember having a little twinge of something (maybe jealousy) because I should've experienced all this before her. But still, it was so fun to finally be having these types of conversations and sharing this with her.

Within the next few days I had everything laid out on the bed in the spare bedroom, the soon to be nursery, and was so excited at the thought of what was ahead. The cute little t-shirts and dresses... I was going to be so proud wearing all this stuff. I did get some use out of the "belly band" because some of my jeans got a little snug. I immediately started reading several of the books she gave me and tracked our baby's progress daily.

Sadly, I never got to wear those maternity clothes. On February 22, just two days shy of 12 weeks, our world changed forever. Unable to even go in that room for quite some time, those clothes continued to lay there... for quite a while. My sweet hubby cleaned up some stuff that had piled up in there, but I couldn't bring myself to even look at those clothes. They stared at me like a ghost of what should have been. They haunted me.

I really don't remember how long they sat there before one day while I was home by myself, I went in that room and in between sobs, I just threw everything into plastic bags and shoved it all into the top of the closet. "I'll need it again one day." That was no comfort at all then but as the months passed, I could begin to see myself in those clothes one day.

That was, until October 9. The day that little sis told me she was pregnant. Again. I cried, just like the first time she got pregnant. I had no idea they were even trying for #2 and now she's pregnant?! She cried too and apologized because it all just happened so quick...! Really? I'm sorry that good things like pregancy happen so quick... we've been on this road 4.5 years... nothing quick about that! I know she just didn't really know what to say... no one does. And there's nothing in me that would wish any of this on anyone, let alone my sister.

Within the same day that she told me, my mind drifted back to those clothes hiding in the shadows of my closet and it hit me, "She's going to need those clothes back before I ever get to wear them." And it was like someone kicked me in the stomach all over again. I never thought about that happening. Or maybe I just never let myself go there...

I mentioned it to my mom one time thinking maybe she'd offer to come get them but she never mentioned it again. I haven't had a conversation with my sister about them, I couldn't. So those clothes have continued to haunt me from their perch in the closet. But I knew I couldn't wait for her to ask for them back, I couldn't handle that discussion.

Every time I thought I could muster a little courage and deal with it, I would wimp out. Until yesterday on my way home from work it hit me... "I'm taking those clothes over to mom's and then sis can pick them up from there." I came home, grabbed them all in one big armload and threw them in the trunk. I didn't even stop to really think about what I was doing or I would've wimped out again.

I visited my mom for a while and then told her that I brought all those clothes over and sis could just pick them up from her house. "I won't be needing them," I said. To which she replied, "Yet." What I really wanted to say is that I never imagined she'd need them back before I ever got to use them, but I didn't. Why couldn't I just say that? I probably would've started crying but who cares? I have a bad habit of censoring what I'm really feeling, even if it's when talking to someone close to me.

My mom keeps telling me that I need to try and focus on myself and not on what's going on with other people. While I understand there's some truth in that, it's hard to completely ignore everything around you... I'm excited for what's ahead for DH and I, but there is grief and extreme sadness to deal with on a daily basis too. Of course it bothers me that sis is pregnant again but more than jealousy, it's bitter sadness for us and our empty arms. I don't want her babies, I want mine.

She made the big announcement on FB yesterday (a friend called and told me, I deleted my account over a year ago) and it just breaks my heart. How many people will contact us just to say they're thinking of us? My guess... very few, if any. Don't they understand they can be happy for her and sad for us at the same time? It's hard when our lives are so intertwined with alot of the same people. I feel like there's very few people I can share my true feelings with because they know her too.

This whole ride is just so emotionally draining. So thankful I have this outlet and new found friends that I can share with... and you guys get it.

I just can't do it today...

I'm supposed to be on my way to the last of five Thanksgiving dinners that DH and I were to attend. Supposed to be... I thought I could do it. I even made my cheesecake last night and was going to put the hash brown casserole in the oven this morning.

I got up like any other Saturday morning and went to the gym at 9:30, had a great time and was in a pretty good mood. When I got to the car and checked my phone, I had a text from my mom, "Hey, just a heads-up, your cousin "R" may be coming with her new little boy. Just didn't want it to catch you off guard. Love you." I guess that's what turned my day. Now let me explain, I couldn't tell you the last time I saw R and had no idea she was pregnant. I believe this is her third. I wasn't too excited about going anyway, but that kind of sealed it for me.

We've held it together pretty good this week through the other four dinners but I knew this one would be rough. My mom is one of six kids and all of them have several kids each. Which translates into alot of cousins with a lot of little kids. If I've counted right there will be at least a dozen kids about 6 and under there today. At least half of whom have been born since we've been ttc. (There are more than that in the family, but they won't be there today). Two cousins and my sister have one year olds and my sister is pregnant again. I don't think alot of the family knows that so I'm sure they'll find out today.

I text my mom back and just said "Thanks Mom, but I don't think we're coming. I just can't do it today." I was a little worried she'd be upset but she was supportive and just said, "Ok honey, do you want me to let you know if she's not there?" I just said no, that we weren't really up to it either way.

I can't take the pictures with grandpa showing four generations. I can't take the discussions about who's kid is walking and who said their first words. I can't take the pregnancy announcement again. I can't take all the adorable little kids running around having fun and getting in trouble.

The question comes up, "What's new with you guys?" What are we going to have to share... The child that should be at this dinner with us? Our next IVF cycle? How we've been saving money for months years in order to have another chance at what you so easily achieved?

My grandpa is in from out of town and I haven't seen him in months - I feel guilty. Why is this so hard? I know we did the right thing for us and I'm glad we didn't put ourselves in that position, but it makes me crazy.

I'm trying to think of something for DH and I to do... maybe we'll catch a college basketball game tonight. I wan't to do something fun and get out of the house. I feel worse when I just sit here... I need a little distraction sometimes...

Does this ever get any easier?

Dear Similac

Maybe some of you can relate to this as well...

Dear Similac,
I was having a perfectly "fine" day until I came home and checked my mail. As I opened the mailbox, the contents nearly fell into the road because there was little room for them after the box of formula samples you sent me. Now I've gotta tell you, this is not the first disturbing delivery I've received from you, I receive your coupons on a regular basis. I'm not even sure how I ended up on your list.

However, the problem is that I don't need your coupons or your samples. You see, back in February we suffered a miscarriage. I'm sure that our baby would've loved your wonderful product and I would've appreciated the coupons. On several occasions, I've thought about writing you to ask you to please take me off your mailing list because it still hurts to receive these items. Then I wonder about the future and think "maybe someday we'll want to receive these things again..." and then I'm a mess.

I'm sure your deliveries are normally received with great pleasure by it's recipients. But I just wanted to bring to your attention that there are those of us out there who dread them. We understand that things don't always work out how they should.

Maybe I'm just hyper-sensitive, but it still hurts, almost 9 months later.

P.S. This goes for you too Baby Talk Magazine, Enfamil and Pampers!

Hope Deferred

Proverbs 13:12 - Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But desire fulfilled is a tree of life.

Hope deferred has been the story of our lives for the last four years (we're still waiting on that "desire fulfilled" part). In July of 2007 we decided that we were ready to start our family. Neither of us were in a big hurry so when things didn't happen immediately, we weren't too concerned. About a year and a half into it, we followed up with my gynecologist who ordered some tests but didn't seem too concerned.

We began to really feel the effects of infertility in 2009. Everyone around us seemed to have no trouble starting or growing their families. Friends, family, people at work... the list just kept growing, but our names weren't on it. Every time someone else made an announcement, the obvious question followed... "when are you guys going to have kids?" While meant innocently, it was salt in a wound for us. Those emotions flood in every time the pregnancy announcement is for someone other than you. It's happened more times than I care to count in the last four years. We waited and prayed, thinking that it was bound to happen eventually.

2010 followed in that same pattern and we realized that we had to do what we could. During that year, we asked our doctor to refer us to an infertility specialist. We were given three names but quickly realized that we were at the right place with the first one we visited. In a world where we had no idea what to expect or even what to ask, these people were angels! Once we got the ball rolling there we both felt we were on the right track. It took a while to come to grips with the fact that this is where life led us, but with a slight delay during the summer due to a car accident Fourth of July weekend, we continued moving forward towards IVF. We had been through so much and waited so long, we were ready to move forward.

This time last year we were starting the process and things progressed along quite well. At the same time every evening DH would faithfully give me shots (I was too wimpy to do it myself); we were so excited at the thoughts of what this could bring! Doctor's appointments followed, typically 1-2 times a week, to make sure everything was going as planned. A week before Christmas we had our transfer and that started the longest two weeks of our lives. Two healthy embryos were transferred back to us and the rest was out of our hands. It would be two weeks before we knew if the transfer was successful but those fourteen days, while scary, were some of the best days we'd had in a long time... this might be our long time dream fulfilled!

On January 3 we went for bloodwork for our pregnancy test and within a few hours received the best news we'd ever heard... the words, "You're pregnant!!!" Words cannot describe the pure joy that came over us in that moment. The nurse on the other end of the phone kept talking but neither of us could remember much of what she said because we were both crying and laughing by then. We quickly started making phone calls to the few people who knew so we could share our news with them. While we wanted to shout it from the rooftops, we waited until our first ultrasound to start telling other people. Our entire life was turned upside down as we started looking at nursery decor, paint colors, etc. and were finally able to walk into Babies-R-Us with a smile instead of avoiding it like the plague as we had for so long.

After several appointments with the specialist, everything looked great and we had been released to go back to our regular doctor. Of course, I scheduled that appointment for the end of February and couldn't wait for it to get here. Sadly, we never made it to that appointment. On February 21st, I started to have some pain and cramping and immediately called the doctor. They advised me to take it easy and stay off my feet but to call if I didn't get any better. By the next day I was worse so they got me in for an ultrasound where our worst fears were confirmed. I don't remember much of what the doctor said that day except the haunting words, "I can't find a heartbeat." The next days and weeks were just a blur as reality began to sink in. After everything we'd been through already, I never imagined that this would happen to us. It wasn't a thought that had even entered my mind. We had come so far!

I know some of you reading this may have different emotions and opinions about our choices. Maybe you've faced similar things in your life and you can relate to us. Maybe you haven't and you question the choices we made and think, "I would never do that." Let me share one thing I've learned in the last few years, you don't know what you'd do in someone else's situation because you've never been in their shoes.

There are some of you that know us but had no idea about any of this. It's been a long hard struggle for us and a very personal one as I'm sure you can imagine. We made the decision early on to only tell a very few people that were closest to us. It was the safest thing to do. And while we don't regret that decision, we both feel that moving forward we'll approach it a little differently. People struggling with infertility need a voice. They need an advocate. They need a shoulder to lean on. What if that awareness starts with us?

I'm sure that this post will get some people talking, and maybe that's a good thing. Educating and making people aware is the first step towards changing things and bringing this disease out of the shadows. I guess that's the whole point of this post and hopefully this blog. If our story can help a few other people, create awareness, open minds and plant a seed of hope then we've succeeded.

Here's hoping for better things ahead...