Catching Up

I feel like I'm out of the loop this past week with my blog! I've been trying to read and keep up on everyone's blogs and keep in touch with all of you. The typically cold and snowy winters here in Ohio have been replaced this week with beautiful sunshine and temps hitting the 60's a couple of days this week!! It's been more enticing to be outside! We've been loving it and even fired the grill up a few days ago and enjoyed our little taste of spring.

We are a week into our Lupr.on shots and I'm still feeling good. Today is the first day that I feel a little different/ moody but not too bad (hopefully hubby would agree with that)! The shots have been going well, J has been so great to give them to me every evening. I like to think I could be brave and do it myself, but I'm not so sure! A few days ago, the shot felt a little different and he said it seemed different to him. Within a few minutes it was really red and about 20 minutes later was starting to bruise. By later that night, I had a quarter-sized purple bruise on the right side of my stomach. My bff says its my battle wound! Anybody else had this happen? From what I've read it sounds like we may have hit a blood vessel but nothing to worry about.

At this point we're just waiting on AF to arrive - maybe the one time in our lives that we're looking forward to her showing up! Then it's on to the RE for an ultrasound and bloodwork to make sure we're suppressed and then the switch to Bra.velle and Men.opur.

Oh, I also promised an update on the pre-conception massage... let's just say it was wonderful! I originally scheduled appointments for J and I both but I couldn't talk him into going. So, I called my sister and she went along with me. I didn't really know what to expect but it was way more than an abdominal massage. Basically she did a full body massage and spent about 10 minutes on my stomach. I don't know how they can "prove" that it's specifically beneficial to women who are TTC but it was so wonderful and relaxing that it was worth it.

It was also nice to spend some time just me and my sister catching up. We enjoyed a nice dinner after the massage and really just had a good time together. She is 20 weeks pregnant but is sincerely making an effort to be there for us and keep our feelings in the forefront during her pregnancy. They found out on Monday that they're having another little boy. Is it bad that I was excited since that means maybe we could still have the first girl on my side? :)

So that's where we're at... full speed ahead and hanging on for dear life!

All I Ever Wanted

So my sis and her hubby had to go away for the weekend to a formal wedding about two hours away. She was worried about her little boy (14 months) being good and being able to sit still during all the festivities. The rehearsal dinner is tonight and the wedding tomorrow afternoon. She is a hairdresser so she'll be doing hair and makeup for the girls all morning tomorrow. That's alot to expect a 1 year old to sit through so she asked if we could babysit this weekend... of course we said yes!

He's been at our house since about noon today and is always so much fun. It's fun to pretend that he's ours and to imagine what our lives will be like once our babies finally arrive. Sure, there are plenty of other times that it bothers me that we still don't have kids and my younger sister does... but I try to push that part aside as much as I can.

He just woke up from a nap but was still a little sleepy... hubby picked him up and laid down on the couch with him and now they're both asleep. This is all I ever wanted...

You think we could run away before they get back from the wedding and just pretend this little guy is ours? :) It melts my heart to see hubby curled up with him.

One of these days it will happen. That's what keeps us going.



This and That

First off, thank you to all of you ladies who commented on my letter to family and friends. Your thoughts and feedback really helps as I'm putting the finishing touches on this letter.

I guess I should've clarified that our immediate family knows of our struggles, infertility and IVF(s). Both sets of parents, my brother (wife), sister (husband) and a few close friends know what we're going through. But that's about it. I wrote the letter with our extended family and friends in mind; aunts, uncles, cousins, other friends, etc. There are probably about 50 people on the e-mail so far. I may add some more personal/ emotion to it but this is going to so many different people I have to be careful.

I'm really not sure what I expect from sending this letter. There will be a few who read it and do nothing. Others will talk about it amongst themselves, and I'll probably hear from some of the remainder. But maybe this letter isn't at all about their response. Maybe it's simply about us - taking the next step, pulling the curtain back and saying here's what we're facing. Putting a face to this disease and creating awareness.

In the last several years, I've struggled with being angry at people who seemed to ignore everything we're going through. Maybe some of the blame lies with me for being so private and not sharing more of our story. Either way, it's made me more sensitive to things that people around me are going through. I remember being conflicted after getting pregnant last year (IVF #1) and thinking "all these people are here now and genuinely happy for us. But where were they when we needed them most?" That same crowd quickly dissipated after our miscarriage, mom says it's because people don't know what to do... my response is "try something!"

My sister knows my feelings about all of this and sent me this quote the other day:

"If you're absent during my struggle, don't expect to be present during my success."

I can't say it any better than that. There are alot of you out there who have/ are experiencing the same thing. I think that may be some of push behind this letter, I want and need people behind me during all of this. If there are people out there who can read that letter and still be absent from this part of my life, I know where that relationship is going. This is me, opening the door and saying "Come on in!" and I'm sure some will. But if others choose to continue standing on the porch, all I have to do is shut the door. How they respond is out of my control.

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On another note, we are officially in IVF #2! We went in for bloodwork Saturday and also got all of our meds ordered. I've been so excited about starting again but on the way to Dr. A's office I got really emotional. The last time I walked in his office was the worst day of my life. We hadn't been there since the miscarriage. We had a consultation with him the week after but at a small satellite office.

When we sat down with a nurse to order our meds and go over the treatment plan I started feeling better. We're IVF with ICSI again but with a little addition to the stims. She was an angel and explained everything so well, but then sat and answered our questions and talked with us like friends. She didn't ignore our loss and that we were so close last time and that they would work even harder to make it happen this time. Things like that make me remember we're at the right place.

For our last cycle, all of the meds were ordered from Wal greens Specialty Pharm. Since then, they've found a new pharmacy in Europe (London) and the stims are considerably cheaper! For any of you with IVF coming up, ask your doctor about IVFmeds(dot)com. I know for us it's a savings of almost $1,000 between the Menopur and Bravelle! That's always a nice surprise!

We don't start any injections until the 27th so we're in the waiting stage (again!).





A letter to family and friends

Below is a letter that I've written to send out to family and some friends to share our struggle. DH ("J") has not read this letter yet, but he seems hesitant about sending it out. I thought I would post it on here to get some feedback from some friends. After 4.5 years, I'm tired of struggling in silence and dealing with this, for the most part, alone. For me, it's time to speak up and do something. I know that there are so many other couples out there struggling through this awful battle and maybe our story can help them. I may tweak it a little still but let me know what you think.

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To our family and friends – It’s no secret that J and I have wanted to start a family for some time now. We’ve never really shared a lot about it because it is such a private thing. However, maybe by saying something it will prevent this disease from being in the shadows forever. Chances are that with infertility affecting 1 in 6 American couples, you know more people than just us who have been touched by it. Maybe our story will educate one person so they realize they are not alone. Maybe it will educate another person so they can reach out to someone they know and not be afraid to help them on their journey. Maybe awareness and making a difference starts with us…

We became pregnant with our first child after a successful in vitro (IVF) procedure. While we never got to hold that child, we believe that we will be able to one day. And while that gives us hope, our hearts are still broken by that loss and the fact that our arms are still empty here. Most of you probably have no reason to know a whole lot about the IVF process except the crazy news stories that surface every once in a while. Those extreme stories are also very far from what most couples truly face. But before you make a judgment call and say “I would never…” take a good like at your own children or grandchildren. Now, try to imagine your life without them. And even if you didn’t have to, aren’t they worth moving heaven and earth for if it was in your power to do so? Sadly, for 1 in 6 American couples, it takes those measures to bring our children into this world. We haven’t rushed into these decisions or taken them lightly, and we’ve shed a lot of tears and said a lot of prayers.

We will be pursuing another IVF procedure at some point this year. If you have sincere questions, we’d be happy to answer what we can. If you do not agree with our choices, that is fine as well; but keep in mind we’re not asking for anyone’s approval. We do not plan to share the exact timeline of it as we would like to maintain a little privacy. But we do ask for your love, your support and your prayers during this challenging time in our lives. Take a minute if you would to check out this link www.tearsandhope.com. We hope that it will help you better understand our struggle and our dreams.

And So This Is Christmas...

She's here... no matter how much we've dreaded the Holidays this year or tried to make ourselves get into the spirit. The big day is upon us.

We'll be leaving shortly to head to DH's grandma's house where his whole family will gather. We are the only ones who don't have kids yet so it's a tough group with alot of small kids running around. We'll put on our smiles and happy faces and make it through another Holiday season.

One of DH's cousins bought his grandma a digital picture frame for Christmas. Now this is an 82 year old lady who is certainly not into any sort of technology. But, cousin emailed the whole family several weeks ago and has loaded it full of pictures so it will be all set up for her (great idea)! When she emailed me and asked for pics of DH and I, I automatically went to the vacation files on my computer! "We may not have kids but we'll show everyone how much fun we have and where we've been!" Isn't that awful?! :) Oh well! I sent vacation pics from different locations, us at sporting events, etc. Let them be jealous of us for once!!

But, I am thankful that today has turned out to be pretty quiet and peaceful. We slept in, made pancakes for breakfast, ran to the store and then mixed up some homemade salsa to take to our gathering tonight, had lunch together... and had alot more fun than I thought today would be.

It is certainly not the Christmas that we had imagined it would be but we're making it. Praying that all of you find some peace and comfort in this season and bring on the New Year!

Tears and Hope

Not sure if all you ladies are following Denise over at This Blondie Wants Babies but she posted the most beautiful video I think I've ever seen. I just sat and cried as it played and I thought about everything that we've been through the last four and a half years.

Check it out when you have a minute to sit back, reflect and cry.

Empty Arms, Broken Hearts

I'm really thinking about sending a link to this video out to some family and friends who may not be aware the extent of our struggles. For the last several months I've been thinking about sending something like this but nothing really seemed to fit. I think this video says it all.

Up to this point and prior to IVF #1, we were very private about our story and doing IVF. There are alot of people who knew we were "trying" but only a handful who know the extent and about IVF. We thought that it was really no one's business what we did and so they didn't need to know. We've been through so much and at this point we don't really care who knows. I'm not sure what we expect to happen if we share our story but maybe it will at least be at start towards creating more awareness in our little corner of the world.

What do you guys think? To what extent have you shared your stories with those around you?

Just a little sad...

Back in October, my sister told me that baby #2 was on the way. We've been sad, hurt, upset and the whole gamut of other emotions that some of you have experienced too. We've been TTC since they began dating four and a half years ago - and now they are expecting #2. Somehow, we've been better with it than what I expected we'd be... I'm not sure how or why. We're close and she's been very supportive of us but it still strains our relationship.

This morning, I text her about some concert tickets for next summer to see if they wanted to go. Two of my favorite artists, Kenny Chesney and Tim McGraw, are in concert together and some of us are going! :-) Now, I figured that her due date was close to my birthday, June 17 but I had never asked. Is that terrible?? She said they would pass on the July 1st concert since it was only about 2 weeks after her due date... so I asked. She's due on the 18th. One day after my birthday.

I know it's silly but it bothered me. With her first pregnancy she found out the sex of the baby ON my birthday! Now baby #2 is due practically ON my birthday! Is this really happening? I feel like this can't all be coincidental even though it probably is. But seriously, what are the chances?

I'm just hoping that this new year brings good things for DH and I and the events in other peoples lives won't bother us so much because we'll be so distracted by the wonderful things happening in ours... it's just so hard to stay positive for ourselves with everything happening around us.

Just a little sad this morning... but we'll make it. We always do.