Monday, March 12, 2012

It's Official... BFN

I got the call pretty early this afternoon and my hcg level is down to two. That's it... it's over. I'm still having a hard time processing all of this. It's not supposed to be this hard.

The nurse that called was fine but just not the friendliest nurse either... of course I was obviously on edge too. She gave me the news, answered some of my questions about the cycle and an FET but said that we would need to start meds today for an FET since my period had started on Friday. That totally threw me off as I didn't think about it being that quick!!

After we hung up and Jeff and I talked, we both felt we wanted to talk to Dr. A before making a decision. So I called back, left a message that we had some questions and would like to talk to him. Don't you know the same nurse called me back?! Asked me what questions I had and she would try and answer them. Ugh! I just wanted to talk to my doctor. He was working from another location today and she said he wouldn't be able to call me back until tomorrow. I pressed her on it because I wanted to talk to him first and she said we needed to start meds tonight if we were moving forward. She then said it would "probably" be ok to wait on meds until tomorrow.

That did it for me. I said "With all the money we've spent with you guys and the money we're getting ready to spend, I'm not ok making a decision like this on 'probably'. I'm not trying to be rude and I know I'm emotional but I would think I'd be able to talk to my doctor for something like this." I think that's about the time I started crying and she seemed to soften up a little and said she'd be sure he called me today. She then became very helpful!

So, here's the info I got after my RE called me this evening:

He feels implantation did occur since we did have a slightly positive number. I'm sure it was higher a few days prior to the first beta since my period had already started by then. They classify it as a bio-chemical pregnancy which is what I thought happened based on how I felt last week and then the ensuing heavy bleeding (which he said was a good sign of implantation).

I asked his thoughts on moving immediately into our FET versus waiting a month and he said it was personal preference. They don't feel that one is better or more successful than the other, whatever we prefer.

We have two frozen embryos (blasts) and he said with an FET they would probably thaw both and transfer both if they both make it.

At this point we've had a successful IVF #1 followed by a miscarriage and a chemical after IVF #2. So of course I asked the question, is there something going on with me that we need to look into in more detail? I don't necessarily feel like there is but I had to ask. Our only known issue is MFI which we've overcome with the help of ICSI and resulting in perfectly "normal" embryos. He doesn't feel that there's an issue like that either, maybe based on how my body has responded to both cycles and my hormone levels, etc. Don't get me wrong, I certainly don't want another issue on top of this but at this point I just want some answers.

Jeff and I talked over the weekend about all of these questions and how soon we should look at an FET, since we basically already knew the results of this cycle. He felt we should go right into it but after more discussion tonight, I think we're going to give it a month in between. It's just too quick to go right back at it.

I don't think this has even completly sunk in for us yet and I'm not sure when it will. It seems surreal and like we're on the outside looking in at our lives with no control of any of it. The last few days have been a blur as we started to grieve but tried to hang on to hope as long as we could. It's been a weird mix of emotions these few days.

Just a month to clear our heads and take a little pressure off. We have a 4 day trip coming up in April and if we moved forward with an FET now, we would be due to get results during that trip. Neither one of us care to even cancel that trip completely but I think we need it. Some time for just the two of us to get away from it all, enjoy each other and have some fun.

We're still trying to wrap our heads around the whirlwind of the last few months and give our broken hearts a chance to heal up a little more before putting them out there one more time...

42 comments:

  1. I am so sorry to hear!! I hope that you enjoy the month break & have a great time on your trip! Hope that your FET is the magical cycle for you!!

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  2. I'm so sorry about your chemical. I just got over one myself after IUI #1. I took a cycle off in between too (in the middle of that cycle, currently WTO). I know that mix of emotions you're experiencing. Trying to look on the bright side that you got pg, while worried that something is wrong, while feeling this strange level of grief... I know it and I just wanted to say I'm sorry. And it does get better.

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  3. I'm so sorry Lora. I really hoped that you'd get your miracle. I can imagine how hard it must be.
    I do think you should go on your trip and have a good time. You guys need a little breather. A month off sounds good. Will they have you start birth control now in preparation?

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    1. Hey girl, he didn't mention bcp for me, he said I would be on estrogen and progesterone. Ill have to ask and see, I know a lot of girls do that first too - do you know the reasoning?

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  4. I'm sorry! I'm glad you stood up for yourself with the nurse. Getting away is always nice...I hope you are still able to do that.

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  5. I am so so sorry hun. TTC and loss isn't fair. Infertility sucks!!1

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    1. How are you doing hun? Thinking about you!

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  6. Lora, I'm so very sorry. My heart breaks over and over again for you and Jeff. I think given what you've been through that taking a month is good, as it will allow you some time to gather your thoughts and will give you two a chance to enjoy your vacation.

    In the meantime, please take care of yourself. I'm continuing to hold you in my heart while sending you love and peace.

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  7. I'm so sorry to hear your news... thinking of you with all my heart and share your frustration with the clinics when, in such emotionally difficult moments, they brush us off as though we don't really matter. Lovely that you could get answers from your doctor to help make a decision... I've always found months off to really help rejuvenate me. With you every step of the way and might be cycling with you next time. Love always xoxo

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  9. Mending is important right now and doing that on your schedule is even more important. When you don't know which direction is up, things are a bit crazy- all you can do if follow what you think is right. That is the ONLY correct decision.

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  10. I'm so sorry, Lora. I need to take a page out of your book for advocating for yourself--so impressed that you insisted on talking to your doctor, even with all the difficult emotions you're dealing with. I think a month off sounds like a great decision for you.

    Really sorry. :(

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  11. I think a month of sounds like a good idea. I'm sure the rest and relaxation will do your body, your mind, and your relationship a lot of good.

    I'm sending you lots of positive vibes through the internet for a wonderful vacation and a positive cycle afterwords :)

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  12. I hope the getaway is just what you need to rejuvenate. You have been through a whirlwind.

    Wanting more answers as to why things aren't working is completely normal - sometimes things just don't seem to add up. I am so sorry you have had to go through the miscarriage and now the chemical pregnancy. Praying your next cycle is the perfect one!

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  13. *big hugs* Lora! I'm so sorry for this loss. As others have said, a month of relaxation and a trip sound like fun!

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  14. I'm so sorry to hear this. I totally get your decision to wait a month, hopefully the trip is rejuvenating for the two of you!

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  15. I'm so sorry to hear that. :( I think that taking some time will be a good thing! Hugs!

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  16. Ugh. I'm sorry. :( The trip might be a good thing for you guys if you feel you need a break!

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  17. Oh no, I'm so so sorry. I didn't want to take time off after our BFN but we are and it feels right. It's nice to feel somewhat normal for awhile and not feel restricted or overly anxious. I hope you enjoy your little getaway regardless of what y'all decide. I'm praying for hope and peace!!

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  18. So sorry.
    http://43andchildless.blogspot.com/

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  19. I am so sorry! I was really hoping this was the one for you! Big hugs!

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  20. Lora,
    I am so sorry. Take all the time you need so you can go into your FET strong willed and hopeful. Sucks our disappointments need time to heal but it can be the best thing for us. I am so glad to tear you have a trip planned and some fun on the horizon. Thinking of you!

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  21. I'm so sorry Lora. I wish you had gotten better news.It's easy to feel rushed and like your wasting time by waiting, but sometimes that's what your body, mind and soul need. Hoping this month goes by quickly and you are preparing for your FET before you know it!

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  22. I'm so sorry Lora. It's so unfair, I know you're so unbelievably ready for your take home baby. I'm thinking of you, xoxo.

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  23. I'm so sorry. IF is such a murky area, its disheartening when you realize even the experts can only do so much.

    I discovered I was vitamin D deficient after my second loss, and since then I've spent an unbelievable amount of time reading up on it. According to one study 91 % of infertile women are deficient and it strongly implicated in both female and male infertility- maybe its a good idea to get both yours and hubby's levels checked and become replete for the next round--- I've given plenty of references for how it is involved in infertility here.

    http://aboutplanb.blogspot.com/p/science-of-in-fertility.html

    Best of luck with the next round!

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  24. I'm praying for healing and comfort, Lora. You deserve some R&R after giving it your all the past few months and hope the trip helps. Check out griefshare.org - it's helped me with my bag of emotions. Hugs!

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  25. I'm so sorry :( We decided to take a break between our failed IUIs and our first IVF and I am so glad we did. We really recharged our batteries. This time, after IVF#1 we were forced to break for 6 weeks while I recovered and went back on BCP in preparation. But I am glad we needed to wait a bit. It's been a nice break from needles and appointments. Hang in there!

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  26. So sorry to hear :( I definitely think you should go on your trip and try to enjoy yourself!

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  27. I can't imagine how difficult this is for you and your husband. I truly hope your baby is waiting for you and this FET is the answer to your prayers. I hope this trip is just what you need to treat yourselves after such a tough loss. I will be thinking about you and I hear the FET round is an easier ride compared to IVF, no one should have to go through that EVER let alone more than once :( I really admire you for sharing your story so openly and inspiring others struggling with IF. Keep your head up and I'll be following along waiting for your good news :)

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  28. I'm sorry Lora. I am glad you guys talked it over and made the right decision for you two. Take the time you need. I hope you have a great trip! Here for you. Hugz!

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  29. One other thing you could consider is getting your embryos tested to see if they are chromosomally normal. Chromosomal abnormalities are the more frequent cause of miscarriages - if you test for them you can then only transfer "normals."

    Either way, I'm sorry you have to go through this. Hopefully this next FET will work for you - you have 2 more chances, which is great!

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  30. Just started following you...so sorry to read about how long and painful this journey has been for you. Sounds like a few days away might be a nice thing to look forward to while going through this long and tortuous path toward motherhood. Thinking of you and cheering you on for your next FET.

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  31. Thinking of you and praying for hope.

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  32. Hi Lora. I am sorry for the delayed reply - we have been away in NZ. I was devastated to read your post. I hope that you are holding up ok. Have you thought of having more blood tests done? I've written more about this in my last few posts - I've discovered I have a gene mutation of my blood which can cause clotting and even fine clots can cause implantation failure (as the invasion & connection of the embryo's blood vessels with the mother's is such a delicate process). My doctors have been saying our infertility is unexplained for years, but sometimes it's worth pushing for more tests. That said, take this time out to rest and recuperate. I am so glad I've taken two months off myself! Lots of hugs to you. B xxx

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  33. Sorry, this sucks ;( Good luck on your next procedure.

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  34. Lora - First, I'm your sock buddy and after reading your story, I'm so happy to find you some really great socks for the FET. I'm sorry about the chemical pg...I had one 6 months ago. I hope the FET goes smoothyly!

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  35. I so sorry that it has been so hard! Good luck with the FET!

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  36. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I hope the next round gives a happier result.

    ICLW #61

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  37. I'm so sorry about how this cycle turned out for you. And I'm more sorry that you have questions about embryo quality that can't really be answered right now, and even with doctors saying things are fine, that nagging in the back never makes ANY decision easier, much less when to start again. Sometimes, though, I really just think that we need to follow our guts, no matter how much it defies the logic or the medicine or the science. I wish I'd done that with my first pregnancy. My son would be alive today, had I. If you strongly feel like you may have an issue with embryo quality, or with you that maybe wasn't detected before, I'd get that cleared up and save yourself that nagging and the heartache of not knowing. It's so hard. Again, my most sincere apologies. I wish it was different for you.

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  38. Hey, are you ok? Haven't heard from you in awhile and just checking in.

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  39. I got the call pretty early this afternoon and my hcg level is down to two. That's it... it's over. I'm still having a hard time processing all of this. It's not supposed to be this hard.swtor gold
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