Sunday, March 11, 2012

Beta = 11

Eleven. That's our beta # at 11dp5dt.

If you read my last post you know that some spotting started Friday morning and then let up. By Friday afternoon it was full on and I knew something was wrong. I called the nurse back and asked to go ahead with a blood test on Saturday instead of waiting until Monday. She agreed and set up the appointment for Saturday morning.

She called a few hours later and delivered the news. It came back with a low positive. 11.

It was news I was expecting at that point but "a low positive?"... what does that mean?! Does it mean that 3 days ago I was pregnant and now I'm not? I asked the nurse what it meant and she said it sounds like something (Zoom) tried to implant and take off but didn't make it.

I honestly haven't cried much because I'm still in shock with the whole thing. If I'm honest I've just been angry. I wasn't even crying writing this post until I typed our little nickname, Zoom.

The nurse told me to continue taking my Endometrin through Monday, just to be safe, because we "can't give up all hope yet." Of course I'm following those orders but I feel like I'm being strung along. Not by my doctor's office, I know this is out of their control, but by hope. That's the word that's kept us going over the last few years. The middle name we wanted to use if we had a little girl after IVF #1. The word I have tattooed on my left foot. But I don't know how much hope I have left.

They still want me to come back in on Monday for another beta to be sure what that number is doing. I'm not expecting much as it would take a miracle to change things now. Honestly I'm just scared that something else is going on and would require a D&C. I haven't even spoken of those fears to Jeff or anyone else. I don't want him to worry about it.

Based on the amount of bleeding I'm having, I don't think I need to worry about it. My periods are normally very light and this is anything but that.

I'm not sure where to go from here. Jeff and I have dealt with loss and grief before and we'll make it, but it's never easy. We deal with things so differently, but I think most couples are like that. I could stay on the couch and be angry, sad or whatever other emotion comes at the time while Jeff can't be cooped up that long. He just left to go for a drive just to get out of the house for a while and clear his head. I'm glad that we realize and respect our differences though.

I just don't know what I'm grieving at this point... a failed cycle, a chemical pregnancy... but maybe it doesn't matter. So many of us have grieved alot of different things and our grief is still valid. It could be a different scenario than someone else but the pain is no less real. That's what I love about this community.

I'll update again with our results tomorrow and hopefully we have more information.

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This post wouldn't be complete though without a HUGE shout-out of congratulations to two of my cycle sisters who just got their BFP's!!!

Rachel at A Sarti Party (she does not have this info on her blog but you can email to congratulate her!)
Joys Truly at Gonna Do It For Baby 

I am truly happy for both of you ladies! I'm glad we've gotten to know each other through blogging and I'll still be following along. Live it up!! xoxo

20 comments:

  1. I am so so sorry. :( Hope is such a tough and bittersweet thing in this world of IF and loss. My heart just breaks for you. Biggest hugs.

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  2. I'm so sorry :( It is so painful when we go through all of this treatment and it doesn't turn out the way we hope. Sending you hugs.

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  3. Lora, I'm so sorry to hear this. I can't imagine how you must be feeling, I HOPE your nurse is right and in a couple of days things will come together. My heart goes out to you and your husband, hang in there. Thank you so much for the shout out, I'm glad we were able to connect even if it's over IF! I'll be thinking of you and Zoom and praying for a miracle :)

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  4. Ugh - I know this is tough and ambiguous news to hear. I'm so, so sorry. I will continue to hope for you for the next few days, but wish you weren't going through this right now.

    Mo

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  5. Hon, I am still praying for you! Big hugs!!

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  6. So sad to read this news today. My heart hurts for you and your husband. This all sucks so much. Hanging on to hope is a struggle for sure.

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  7. So sorry you two are going through this. I am still holding hope or you. Take care of each other and be good to you.

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  8. I am so sorry! I have been in similar shoes and know it is not easy. I will hope & pray for you!!

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  9. I am so sorry, Lora. Being in limbo is a horrible place. I hope you can get more conclusive information tomorrow. So sorry this is happening. I'm thinking of you.

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  10. Lora, I'm in tears reading this. I'm so sorry and I wish I could be there to put my arms around you and cry with you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help. In the meantime, I'm holding you in my heart.

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  11. I'm so sorry. It's horrible not knowing what is happening. I hope you get more answers than questions on Monday.

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  12. I'm absolutely gutted for you Lora. The tears are streaming, I have a gross knot in my stomach, and I want to scream at someone. Although, I know this is NOTHING compared to what you are feeling right now. I just wish I could make it all better for you.

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  13. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through... after all the cycles I've done, I don't know what's worse - a BFN or a low beta and not knowing... but I do know that grief for the cycle is real and like having a miscarriage. PUPO for two weeks is so real... and so much hope... but the clinics and others don't provide much support. We're all here for you and know what it's like... hugs to you from afar. Thinking of you xoxo

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  14. Ugh, more limbo. That is horrible. My fingers are crossed for you, though. *hugs*

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  15. Lora, you have been there for me and I want to be the same for you. I know how hard it is to hear that this isn't your cycle. I am holding out a small bit or hope for you until we hear the results on Monday. I wish you could be celebrating right now. I know you are angry and upset and you have every right to be. I think you are handling it really well however. Just the fact that you can take the time to understand the differences in your and your husband's grieving is a positive thing. You are strong and brave and I do think that this isn't the end for you.
    Thinking of you and wishing I could give you a hug.
    MissC

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  16. It is so hard to keep hoping in the face of low numbers and heavy bleeding. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I still hold on to some hope for you. I'm waiting with you in spirit and holding your hand.

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  17. Lora, I am so sorry about this. Life can be so unfair and cruel sometimes and it just doesn't make sense. We're are holding the hope for you this weekend until we know more Monday. I know its hard for you right now so just let yourself process however you need to
    We're all thinking of you and holding you and jeff in our thoughts. Xoxo

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  18. I know your pain honey, mine wasnt an IVF cycle but another chemical. My beta was 12. And now 2.4 and waiting for bleeding to start. I am so sorry sweets.

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    1. this can be very hard to go through, especially when you've been through it before, but hang in there and dont give up, it'll happen one day

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  19. Lora, I am so sorry for the bleeding and bleak outlook. I will continue to have hope that if not this time that very soon you will be celebrating your rainbow baby. My heart hurts for you. Sending you a hug and love and support to you and your husband.

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