I got up like any other Saturday morning and went to the gym at 9:30, had a great time and was in a pretty good mood. When I got to the car and checked my phone, I had a text from my mom, "Hey, just a heads-up, your cousin "R" may be coming with her new little boy. Just didn't want it to catch you off guard. Love you." I guess that's what turned my day. Now let me explain, I couldn't tell you the last time I saw R and had no idea she was pregnant. I believe this is her third. I wasn't too excited about going anyway, but that kind of sealed it for me.
We've held it together pretty good this week through the other four dinners but I knew this one would be rough. My mom is one of six kids and all of them have several kids each. Which translates into alot of cousins with a lot of little kids. If I've counted right there will be at least a dozen kids about 6 and under there today. At least half of whom have been born since we've been ttc. (There are more than that in the family, but they won't be there today). Two cousins and my sister have one year olds and my sister is pregnant again. I don't think alot of the family knows that so I'm sure they'll find out today.
I text my mom back and just said "Thanks Mom, but I don't think we're coming. I just can't do it today." I was a little worried she'd be upset but she was supportive and just said, "Ok honey, do you want me to let you know if she's not there?" I just said no, that we weren't really up to it either way.
I can't take the pictures with grandpa showing four generations. I can't take the discussions about who's kid is walking and who said their first words. I can't take the pregnancy announcement again. I can't take all the adorable little kids running around having fun and getting in trouble.
The question comes up, "What's new with you guys?" What are we going to have to share... The child that should be at this dinner with us? Our next IVF cycle? How we've been saving money for
My grandpa is in from out of town and I haven't seen him in months - I feel guilty. Why is this so hard? I know we did the right thing for us and I'm glad we didn't put ourselves in that position, but it makes me crazy.
I'm trying to think of something for DH and I to do... maybe we'll catch a college basketball game tonight. I wan't to do something fun and get out of the house. I feel worse when I just sit here... I need a little distraction sometimes...
Does this ever get any easier?