Saturday, November 26, 2011

I just can't do it today...

I'm supposed to be on my way to the last of five Thanksgiving dinners that DH and I were to attend. Supposed to be... I thought I could do it. I even made my cheesecake last night and was going to put the hash brown casserole in the oven this morning.

I got up like any other Saturday morning and went to the gym at 9:30, had a great time and was in a pretty good mood. When I got to the car and checked my phone, I had a text from my mom, "Hey, just a heads-up, your cousin "R" may be coming with her new little boy. Just didn't want it to catch you off guard. Love you." I guess that's what turned my day. Now let me explain, I couldn't tell you the last time I saw R and had no idea she was pregnant. I believe this is her third. I wasn't too excited about going anyway, but that kind of sealed it for me.

We've held it together pretty good this week through the other four dinners but I knew this one would be rough. My mom is one of six kids and all of them have several kids each. Which translates into alot of cousins with a lot of little kids. If I've counted right there will be at least a dozen kids about 6 and under there today. At least half of whom have been born since we've been ttc. (There are more than that in the family, but they won't be there today). Two cousins and my sister have one year olds and my sister is pregnant again. I don't think alot of the family knows that so I'm sure they'll find out today.

I text my mom back and just said "Thanks Mom, but I don't think we're coming. I just can't do it today." I was a little worried she'd be upset but she was supportive and just said, "Ok honey, do you want me to let you know if she's not there?" I just said no, that we weren't really up to it either way.

I can't take the pictures with grandpa showing four generations. I can't take the discussions about who's kid is walking and who said their first words. I can't take the pregnancy announcement again. I can't take all the adorable little kids running around having fun and getting in trouble.

The question comes up, "What's new with you guys?" What are we going to have to share... The child that should be at this dinner with us? Our next IVF cycle? How we've been saving money for months years in order to have another chance at what you so easily achieved?

My grandpa is in from out of town and I haven't seen him in months - I feel guilty. Why is this so hard? I know we did the right thing for us and I'm glad we didn't put ourselves in that position, but it makes me crazy.

I'm trying to think of something for DH and I to do... maybe we'll catch a college basketball game tonight. I wan't to do something fun and get out of the house. I feel worse when I just sit here... I need a little distraction sometimes...

Does this ever get any easier?

15 comments:

  1. I think you made the right decision. It sounds like this would have been a very difficult situation and, quite frankly, you don't need it. The imagine of 4 generations is a hard one and I can't imagine making it through that photo without being somewhat inebriated.

    Regarding whether it gets any easier: that's completely dependent on the couple. While doing or preparing for treatments, I think you're so raw from being in the middle of all of this that it can be very hard. But I do know couples who come to peace with where they are at. Don't beat yourself up, though.

    I hope you two find the distraction you need today. Big hug to you

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  2. Let me know if you get the answer to "does it get any easier"? I am looking for that answer myself today!

    *hugs*

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  3. There's a post by Tertia from So Close titled Surviving Infertility that helps me. The first thing she lists is "Your loyalty lies to yourself first". I am really hoping that it does get better. xoxo, Chanel.

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  4. I know exactly how you feel, I wouldn't have gone either. You have to do what makes you happy right now. Happy ICLW!

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  5. Thanks for coming to comment on my blog. I am glad you have found our community. Many of my followers/friends have been with me from my first month of blogging and it's been invaluable, especially since I lost my twins. Some of them are still struggling and others have newborns now. Those are hard sometimes, but I know how hard they worked to get there.

    I am trying for our next pregnancy in January and I am so nervous, but I am grateful that I have people to go through it with.

    MissConception

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  6. The holidays can be so hard. I hope you found something fun to do with your hubby. We found starting some traditions of our own for the holidays has eased it a little. I was too quick to say things like, "when we have a baby we can do this or that" but we decided that we needed to create fun traditions for us and with our friends what we can truly look forward to and enjoy for the holidays.
    Happy ICLW!

    Chrissie
    ICLW #10

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  7. I think that was the best decision you could have made. I wish I had skipped dinner last night. I just don't wanna be around anyone now. Hope you had fun with your Hubby.

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  8. Oh I wish I can give you a hug...

    By the way, Tell Me About Yourself Blog Award has been passed on to you. I wish you well!

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  9. Clicking over from LFCA - welcome to the community! Wish you didn't have to be here : (
    I'm really sorry for your loss. And, yup, the holidays are really tough - and IF makes them tougher. We are limping our way through as well.

    hang in there.

    Mo

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  10. Hoping and Praying for you!!

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  11. The holidays can be hard. I'm ok with babies, but it makes my stomach ache to see pregnant women. I don't know why it's so easy for so many people, and yet so difficult for some of us. I wish you all the best.

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  12. Five is just too much! Even in my darkest days I could drag myself to our family T-giving, but it was just one day. You need a break!

    That being said, the only reason why I kept going to family functions while ttc was because of my grandparents. I knew they wouldn't be alive for much longer, and I wanted to enjoy every moment with them that I could. Everything about this process is just..so...hard, especially around the holidays. Find something to do with your hubby and be good to yourself and to him when the rest of the world isn't.
    Friday round up

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  13. Hi there. Found you through Mel's round-up. I'm sorry Sat. was so tough for you. As a fellow IF/loss survivor, I'm not sure it does get easier. And what can you really say when people ask you what's new? I always think of things like, "Well, just had my D&C for miscarriage #2," and end up saying something completely bland like, "Nothing much! We're thinking of painting the kitchen."

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  14. Good for you. It's ok to not go, it's ok to not be ok. Take care of you. xoxxo

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  15. Over fromo Mel's round-up.

    1) Yes it does get easier. But it takes time, and I'm glad you recognise when you need to protect yourself.

    2) Why don't you pop around to see Grand-pa after everyone else has left?

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