A few weeks ago, Jeff and I went to see "The Vow". By the way, this is not a "spoiler" at all so you can still read on even if you haven't seen it!
We both really liked the movie but the one thing I've continued to think about was a line by Channing Tatum's character. He said, "My theory is about moments, moments of impact. My theory is that these moments of impact, these flashes of high intensity that completely turn our lives upside down actually end up defining who we are. The thing is each one of us is the sum total of every moment that we’ve ever experienced with all the people we’ve ever known. And it’s these moments that become our history. Like our own personal greatest hits of memories that we play and replay in our minds over and over again."
Those words hit me like a ton of bricks sitting in that movie theater. We've experienced alot of moments of impact during our marriage and especially in the last few years, as I'm sure most of you have. The thing is, those moments of impact can be good or bad, life-altering or earth-shaking.
As I sat and thought about our own journey, specifically the last few years and our battle through infertility, I began to see some of those moments of impact.
I remembered sitting in my gyn office as he broke the news to me that we would "never" have kids on our own. It was supposed to be just my yearly checkup so obviously Jeff wasn't with me. As he went over the MFI numbers with me I remember sitting there crying, all the while knowing that I would have to break this news to my dear husband and I knew it would crush him. I left his office and just drove around for close to an hour, trying to wrap my mind around all of this and how in the world I could deliver this news to Jeff. As soon as I walked in the door he knew something was wrong and I started crying again as I tried to repeat a small amount of what the doctor said. Denial, anger, bitterness and sadness all rushed through our living room that night as we just sat and cried together all evening. A moment of impact.
I remembered just a few days before Christmas that year when my newly married sister and her husband announced to us that they were going to start ttc and didn't want to just surprise us with a pregnancy announcement. Within 2.5 short months they were pregnant and my mom and sister came over in person to tell me the news. Once again, I just sat and cried as I muttered some sort of phony congratulations until they left and Jeff and I again just cried together. Another moment of impact.
I remembered our first appt with our RE and the excitement that we felt about finally doing something. We had a goal and we now had a plan. Within a few months we were heading into our first IVF cycle and we were so happy! The cycle progressed smoothly and on January 3, 2011, we received the news that they cycle worked and we were pregnant with our first child! Another moment of impact.
I remembered the day we learned that precious baby no longer had a heartbeat and I began to miscarry that angel. That evening spent in the ER as I was in so much pain Jeff took me to the hospital and the ensuing days and weeks of depression, isolation, bitterness and anger. Another moment of impact.
I remembered a day just a few months ago that we ventured into the RE's office again to take another shot at fulfilling our dreams. I cried on the way to the appointment and again as we sat and talked with one of the nurses about our past and our plans for the future. Another moment of impact.
There's alot of life that I could share in between all of these things, but we all have these moments of impact that change our lives. They alter the course that we thought we had so perfectly navigated. They can fulfill our dreams or leave us devastated. They can bring us to our feet or drop us to our knees. And the truth is that all of those moments do define who we are.
Moments of impact.
You see, the thing with these moments is that you don't always know they're coming. Most of them come at us out of no where, leaving us off guard and unprepared for it's aftermath. But on occasion, we know one of those moments is lingering just around the corner and we're scared of which direction that moment will take us.
None of us could prepare ourselves for the roller-coaster that is IF and treatment. But we put our hopes and dreams out there one more time for the chance to finally make our dreams come true.
We've braved the scary awesome world that is IVF again and I'm writing this as we start week 2 of our 2ww. Week one held excitement and promise, week two finds me with questions and doubts. Don't get me wrong, that glimmer of hope is still holding on but if I'm honest, I'm scared.
I find myself bracing for next Monday's moment of impact. It's one of those that I know is coming but I can't predict which way it will go. I want to believe that Monday will bring the continuation of our dreams but there's no guarantee on this road. With every fiber of my being I want to believe that our baby is growing and will continue to be a part of our lives.
Why is it that when we know these moments are coming we automatically try to protect ourselves?
Maybe it's because those moments of impact truly do change our lives forever, one way or the other. Those of us on this road have been dealt more disappointment than any of us should ever have to face and it's hard to believe that our lives could soon change for the better.
So here we are, seven days away from that next moment of impact, hoping and praying that it catapults us into the next chapter of our dream.