Saturday, February 4, 2012

Sorting Out My Thoughts

After one week on Lup.ron, AF showed up yesterday. I don't know if this is the same for everyone but our instructions were 10 units of Lup.ron for two weeks or until AF showed up, whichever happens first. I called yesterday to report the start of my cycle and thought I would have to go in today or Monday for bloodwork and an ultrasound. The nurse said I could come in any day between Monday and Wednesday as they wouldn't be switching me to stims until Thursday anyway. I thought that was interesting, I think we switched to stims a little earlier with IVF #1.

I'll be sure to ask what the difference is when I go in on Wednesday. I know he said they were trying a little different protocol this time around, maybe this is part of it along with a little change in the stims from last time. IVF #1 we only had seven eggs retrieved, six fertilized but we got pregnant. I'm hoping for more eggs this time. Well, let's be honest... we're just hoping for a bring-home baby this time.

Which brings me to my next thought in this process; I knew that this IVF would overlap the time we were pregnant last year. Which also meant it would be close to the date of our miscarriage. The way I had it figured up, February 22 would fall sometime during our 2ww. But since we're not starting stims until February 9, we may be doing a retrieval or transfer right around February 22. That brings up some mixed emotions for me... sadness for what we lost, excitement for what we have to gain, etc.

Could the worst day of our lives suddenly become one of the best too? I'm not upset about this possibility, just a little confused. Through this whole process I feel like our baby is watching over us; maybe even helping us along this road. Maybe that sounds crazy, but it's the way I feel. That baby will forever be a part of our lives and our story.

Even though part of me is confused about all of this, there's a part of me that finds it interesting, like it was meant to be. I wouldn't necessarily "planned" it this way, I would've liked to done this a little sooner but it just didn't work out that way. I obviously realized and understood that February 22 was going to creep up on us during this cyle, the last of the anniversaries to make it through. I just didn't realize how close this all "could" be.

We've done what we can to honor our baby and to remember "her" (we didn't know what we were having, I just always think it was a girl). On September 8, what should've been our due date, we both took the day off work just to spend it together. We went to our local greenhouse and bought a dwarf weeping cherry tree and planted it in the middle of our flowerbeds at the front of our house. I think of her every day when I see it. We joined a support group in our community which became a HUGE part of our healing process. This group meets monthly and it really just an open forum for everyone to share their story and their child. Through that group we met some amazing families, some of which we've become friends with. In October, we attended this group's "Walk to Remember" which honored the lives among us that were gone too soon. In December, we joined in on the "Memory Tree Lighting" to honor our baby and the countless others represented by the hundreds of people who were there.

I guess what I'm trying to say (or convince myself of), is that we've made as much peace as we can with where we are. I wish I was holding a 5 month old in my arms today instead of writing this post, but I'm not. I wish I was changing a diaper instead of injecting shots every day, but I'm not. Maybe there's a point we all reach (somehow) where we decide that we've done all we can to honor those lives that we lost too soon and realize that we're moving forward. We're not forgetting and moving on, we're remembering and moving forward.

Looking at this now, I'm glad we didn't rush forward with another IVF before that baby's due date. Maybe that's right for some people but I don't think it was the right timing for us. Miss Conception mentioned this in her post on Thursday and as I was commenting on her post, I started thinking about our situation.

So this is where we are. If our retrieval or transfer lands on that day, I think I'll be ok with it. Sure it will hold mixed emotions, but I'll have to think that our baby is looking down on us knowing how much she is loved and also putting in a good word for us with her future sibling(s). Our angel will be with us through the whole thing.

6 comments:

  1. This is a powerful post. Too often, there's a focus about moving on after a loss, thinking that if you can just move forward everything will be okay. What is not focused on is the fact that miscarriage means the loss of a loved one. And no matter how much the world may minimize that, they wil forever be in our hearts.

    The timing of your retrieval with this anniversary gave me shivers. I understand where you're coming from about having mixed emotions, but I also wonder about the possibility of your angel being a guardian angel not only for you and DH, but also for this future baby(ies). That a day of sorrow could become a day of joy is a powerful image. I want that for you. I really do.

    Glad to hear AF showed up (so strange to write that ;)) and will be cheering you on as you start your stims!

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  2. I am so glad you are feeling good and right about moving forward now. It's a hard thing to get through...all the dates and milestones. I still have one to get through and it may be the hardest one yet.
    It sounds like you are growing stronger and that you are ready for a new chapter. I know you won't forget the one before - I never will. But it is a nice idea that our babies are watching over us as we try to concieve thier siblings.
    Good luck with those stims!

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  3. Moving forward is the only direction to go :) I hope I can be this positive moving forward...when I ever get a chance, that is.

    Your protocol sounds totally normal to me. During your 'Lupron period' is when they give you your baseline US, and it can be anywhere from cycle day 3 to 5, and then stims after that if the Lup has done it's job. I started on my stims reeeeeallly late last cycle, because they saw some fluid during my baseline, which was late anyway, and then they waited for two days after that for my doc to take a look. (he was at a conference). I got in just under the wire, but I still had plenty of time to stim during the cycle.

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  4. It's never an easy "anniversary", is it? I'm glad that this time of year is filled with hope for you, though. My thoughts are with you! (And also, it's not weird to feel like your first baby is still with you. I kind of believe that the same little soul that I lost will wait for another pregnancy and another chance to be a part of our family.)

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  5. Your baby is definitely watching over you. Every moment, every day, every injection. You are moving forward and she will be with you, every step of the way.

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  6. I always believe loved ones are always with us and watching over us. I hope you find peace in moving forward.

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