I guess I should've clarified that our immediate family knows of our struggles, infertility and IVF(s). Both sets of parents, my brother (wife), sister (husband) and a few close friends know what we're going through. But that's about it. I wrote the letter with our extended family and friends in mind; aunts, uncles, cousins, other friends, etc. There are probably about 50 people on the e-mail so far. I may add some more personal/ emotion to it but this is going to so many different people I have to be careful.
I'm really not sure what I expect from sending this letter. There will be a few who read it and do nothing. Others will talk about it amongst themselves, and I'll probably hear from some of the remainder. But maybe this letter isn't at all about their response. Maybe it's simply about us - taking the next step, pulling the curtain back and saying here's what we're facing. Putting a face to this disease and creating awareness.
In the last several years, I've struggled with being angry at people who seemed to ignore everything we're going through. Maybe some of the blame lies with me for being so private and not sharing more of our story. Either way, it's made me more sensitive to things that people around me are going through. I remember being conflicted after getting pregnant last year (IVF #1) and thinking "all these people are here now and genuinely happy for us. But where were they when we needed them most?" That same crowd quickly dissipated after our miscarriage, mom says it's because people don't know what to do... my response is "try something!"
My sister knows my feelings about all of this and sent me this quote the other day:
"If you're absent during my struggle, don't expect to be present during my success."
I can't say it any better than that. There are alot of you out there who have/ are experiencing the same thing. I think that may be some of push behind this letter, I want and need people behind me during all of this. If there are people out there who can read that letter and still be absent from this part of my life, I know where that relationship is going. This is me, opening the door and saying "Come on in!" and I'm sure some will. But if others choose to continue standing on the porch, all I have to do is shut the door. How they respond is out of my control.
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On another note, we are officially in IVF #2! We went in for bloodwork Saturday and also got all of our meds ordered. I've been so excited about starting again but on the way to Dr. A's office I got really emotional. The last time I walked in his office was the worst day of my life. We hadn't been there since the miscarriage. We had a consultation with him the week after but at a small satellite office.
When we sat down with a nurse to order our meds and go over the treatment plan I started feeling better. We're IVF with ICSI again but with a little addition to the stims. She was an angel and explained everything so well, but then sat and answered our questions and talked with us like friends. She didn't ignore our loss and that we were so close last time and that they would work even harder to make it happen this time. Things like that make me remember we're at the right place.
For our last cycle, all of the meds were ordered from Wal greens Specialty Pharm. Since then, they've found a new pharmacy in Europe (London) and the stims are considerably cheaper! For any of you with IVF coming up, ask your doctor about IVFmeds(dot)com. I know for us it's a savings of almost $1,000 between the Menopur and Bravelle! That's always a nice surprise!
We don't start any injections until the 27th so we're in the waiting stage (again!).
I am proud that you are moving forward with the e-mail. Since our loss, we have opened up to many more people about what we went through to acheieve that pregnancy hoping that it would shed better light on our situation. As you said, some have responded really well while others have almost ignored both the struggle and loss.
ReplyDeleteWe can't control those people but your letter should at least open some doors for those who want to be there. As long as they know they can talk to you about it openly, maybe they will.
I am pulling for you this time around and I hope it works out magically.
MissC
Such great news! I'll be thinking of you and hoping this next cycle bring a new adventure that leads to the end of your struggle.
ReplyDeleteI love that quote, it's so true. Being a part of this ALI community has helped me reassess a lot of my relationships and I think I've come out losing some dead weight but gaining the strongest. Let us know how it goes once you send it. I've had a similar one written and sitting in my email drafts for a couple months now!
If you don't mind could you tell me exactly how much your cycle of IVF is going to cost you total. I see the paper work and cost sheets but I always kind of wonder still.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I definitely think the email is a good idea. You are very brave for going forward with it. It is freeing being open.
Yay for getting the show on the road!
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say hi and let you know I am a new follower (found you through Stirrup Queens). The letter you are planning to send out is a wonderful idea. I just recently opened my blog up publicly and I already feel so much better knowing that my story is "out there" rather than feeling like I am hiding some secret shame. I will pray for this IVF round to be successful for you!
ReplyDeleteUgh! My computer restarted while I was in the middle of the comment! Ok gonna try this again and sorry it will not be as good as what I originally wrote.
ReplyDeleteYAY for starting IVF#2!! When I told family I made sure I told them exactly what I needed of them before I explained the situation. Like your Mom said, they don't know what to do or say and they are probably scared of doing or saying something that will hurt you. To make sure you have a better chance to get what you need you may want to state your request before you get into the actual IF info. When I told people I said something like this
"I am telling you this for my own mental health and for the need of getting it off my chest. I am also telling you because I would like your love and support during this difficult time. There will be times I don't want to discus things and I will tell you if that is the case and I ask that you respect that. I would really appreciate if you would open your ears and heart while I talk and we can discus everything when I am done."
In a letter, I think it is a good idea to repeat your request at least once more so it really sinks in while they are reading. There is a whole chapter about telling people in Melissa Ford's book. Navigating The Land Of IF. It really helped me. Maybe you should check it out.
I love the quote. It's exactly how I feel regarding the people in my life too. We have an amazing support system during this process, but too many have abandoned us during this time using the excuse that they don't know what to say. It's been very hard not to be bitter with them and I do plan on keeping those individuals at arms length when we finally resolve.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on starting IVF#2! May you get many eggs and that you have good news to share soon.
First, I found your blog just the other day and, I must say- it has helped me work through some things. Our stories are very different, but the feelings are the same. So, thank you.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, congrats on starting on your 2nd IVF cycle! That's huge. Monumental even. It takes a lot of guts to get up in that chair after what you and your husband have been through. Don't downplay your strength.
Lastly, I admire the courage it took to write that letter. I feel like it will be so cathartic when you finally press that [send] button. I've been semi-open about our journey so far- telling a dozen or so people. People that I specially handpicked to show my pain to. Not all of them have been supportive. My sister loves me and means well, but the support that I told her I needed, I'm just not sure she knows how to give. On the other hand, my best friend (who easily got pregnant and is currently 27 weeks) has been my rock. I often apologize because I'm guessing it is pretty exhausting for her sometimes, to deal with me. But from her words, and tender emails... I know that she's my biggest cheerleader. And that helps. A lot. Sometimes you don't find support where you'd expect it. So even if your letter brings just 1 more person that stands behind you firm and strong, well- that's another person that you can take strength from. And that is what you need.
That is a fabulous quote...and one I needed today. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteHope #2 is easy and fast! xo
Glad all the meds arrived and so brave of you to write this letter. It will definitely bring you the support you need (and sometimes from people whom you would least expect it from)
ReplyDelete